“That doesn’t mean you can just quit.”
“Think about how you would feel, if you had to go through what I did when we came back from the Underground. You can’t… sit here and say it wouldn’t be unbearable,” Charlie said.
This much is true. Just the mention of Charlie dying has you completely melting down, Oberi offered.
“It’s more than that. The idea of you taking your own life…” I put a hand over my mouth, because it was too much to speak out loud.
“It wasn’t a sensible reaction, I get it, but it was an understandable one, because my emotions were out of control. You can’t realize the kind of damage that night did to me.”
I couldn’t, but I could guess. Charlie hadn’t been the same since. He tried to hide it, but I caught little cracks here and there in the facade he put on. He acted like everything was fine, because I was still here, but the memories of that night would always haunt him.
“I know it must’ve been really hard for you,” I said. “But it scares me you wouldn’t go on without me, because you promised that you would. And knowing that you wouldn’t makes me feel like if I was ever in that place again, I couldn’t cross over knowing you’d follow. I would hold myself back because I don’t want you hurting yourself, and that feels abusive.”
“That’s why I never told you, because I didn’t want you feeling that way,” Charlie said gently. “Because even though it felt true at the time— that I wanted to kill myself— I had decided to stay. I need you to know that if anything like that happens again, I’m going to keep living.”
“So you’re not still… thinking about it?” My voice broke. The thought that he might still be in that place terrified me to the core. I couldn’t bear to see him hurting like that.
“No,” he promised. “I never told you about it because I never tried to go through with it. It was just a thought, and it was a bad one. When your soul was gone, it felt like mine was, too. Maybe other couples can recover from that, but you’re literally a part of me. Losing you felt like losing Oberi and myself, too— all the pieces of our soul all at once. It was the greatest pain I could imagine. So yeah, for a fleeting moment, I thought about ending it all. But that moment is over, Ava.”
I wasn’t sure if it was. I felt myself retreating away, becoming cold. This was just too much to handle. I wanted to help Charlie so badly, but at the same time, I mentally felt myself shutting down. I didn’t think I was strong enough to have this conversation, even though I knew our marriage required it. I didn’t wish for somebody to love me so much that they’d consider death a possibility over losing me… even though, I guess I’d done that in the Underground to save him.
Our love could kill us—hadkilled me. And when you had a love that powerful, it was scary.
Charlie caught my thoughts and added, “You want to know what I said to Oberi in that hospital room, right before I told the doctors to pull the plug?I love her more than I need her. And it’s true, pidge. I wanted you to make your own choice, and I truly believed that you’d chosen to stay in the Ancestral Lands. I didn’t think you’d want to live on machines. I promised you I’d go on, and I knew that I would, even if I didn’t want to. I decided to stay here and fulfill the prophecy. So I was going to let you go.”
“And if thathadhappened, what would you have done once you fulfilled the prophecy?” My guts twisted as I thought about what Chancey had said. “Would you have gone on any longer?”
Charlie wore a contemplative look. “I don’t know for sure. If you hadn’t come back, then maybe Iwouldhave fulfilled the prophecy and been done with it. But youdidcome back, and things changed. I’m not the same guy I was when I lost you. I’m glad you chose to come back to me, because even if Icouldfight without you, I didn’t want to. It’s selfish— I know. I hate what I brought you back to, but at the same time, I’m glad you’re here with me. And if you ever chose to leave again, I’d let you go.”
My stomach clenched, because I realized in that moment that Ihadwanted to give up not that long ago. I thought it was different when I asked Charlie to end my life, but maybe it wasn’t. Emotional pain could be just as debilitating as physical pain. It nearly broke me knowing my husband had faced that kind of torture.
He kept reading my mind, and I didn’t mind that he did, because I didn’t have the capacity to form words. “I get it. I’d face that heartbreak all over again,” Charlie continued. “And I’d do it proudly, because I know now that nothing can keep us apart, not even time. I would be with you again, as it should be. And if I couldn’t, I’d find a way to move on.”
“If something happens to me, I want you to find someone else,” I said immediately. That fucking hurt, too, which didn’t make a damn bit of sense, but I felt it deep down inside of me. Iwantedhim to move on without me, because I wanted him to be happy.
Charlie shook his head. “I don’t think I could love someone again after you. You’re all there is for me.”
You two basically function as each other’s internal organs now,Oberi said dryly.I don’t think it’s possible for either of you to exist without the other. Not with this kind of soul bond. It’s worse than losing a partner. It’s losing part of yourself.
It went against so much of what I stood for. I wanted both of us to have the ability to walk away if we weren’t happy anymore.
Charlie added, “If you wanted a divorce, I’d let you have one. I wouldn’t force you to stay by threatening suicide. You know I’d never do that. What happened after the Underground was different. If we split up, at least I know it was your choice, and I’d want you to find that happiness somewhere else, because that’s what means the most to me. You’d be alive and thriving, because that’s what Ava does. And even though I’d be brokenhearted, I’d be able to go on, because that’s what you decided was best. It wouldn’t be like what happened with the Underground, where we had our future ripped away from us.”
“Nothing’s guaranteed. We’re never promised a future,” I insisted.
“I don’t believe that. I didn’t believe in destiny, or any of that bullshit before I met you. But when you died, everything just feltwrong.You depend on your intuition all the time, but I never really had any of that guidance, until you were gone. My heart just told me we were supposed to be together, and no matter what, I had to set it straight so we could have that future.”
“At what cost? Of losing ourselves?”
“I don’t think it’s a bad thing for us to be dependent on each other. We can admit that we need one another, and that’s okay.”
“I just don’t want it to get to a place where it’s unhealthy, for either of us.” I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to ward off the chill that had come over me ever since this conversation started. “If something happens to me, I don’t want you to die. I want you to move on, and be happy.”
Charlie squeezed my fingers. “I couldn’t do that. I’d try, for your sake, but it wouldn’t happen. But maybe it could be possible for you.”
His words weighed so heavily on my heart that it ached. He wanted to ask me to move on if something happened to him— I could feel that intent through our bond— but he was too afraid to say it out loud.
It would be really hard to be with another man after him. Trusting Charlie, being with him, after what had happened to me, had taken an immense bout of courage. I wasn’t sure if I could let someone else into my heart like that.
