Ava seemed to melt into the mattress. After several long beats, she spoke up. “It was about John.”
My stomach knotted, and rage ignited in my belly. Ineverwanted to hear that name. To think that he’d permeated her thoughts whenIwas making love to her made me want to tear down this prison and go after him. I hated that the memories of what he’d done to her would never go away, and that there was nothing I could do to make those nightmares stop.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Ava said. “I know I’m safe with you. It’s something else… John was caught. He’s going on trial, and I want to testify.”
Forget about tearing down the Institute. I’d bury this whole damn island to get to that motherfucker. I was going to be a supernatural bounty hunter one day, and I’d make damn sure he was the first person I hunted. If he went to prison, I’d never get to make him pay.
“I know you probably don’t want me to, because I’d have to face him again,” Ava started.
My first response was blinding rage, but the last thing I wanted to do was deprive Ava of the chance to stand up to him. This wasn’t about me. I needed to calm down and ask what she wanted.
“I don’t think that,” I told her.
“You can be honest with me,” she said softly. “I can feel your anger.”
“I’m angry athim, not you,” I assured her. “I want you to do whatever feels right. If that means staying here and never entering the courtroom, then I’m here for you, and I’ll make sure you’ll never have to face him again. If that means getting on that stand and telling your story, I’m here for that, too.”
“I don’t know what I want to do, Charlie,” she whispered. “Both options terrify me. I felt so much shame when it happened that I never came forward. Now I feel guilty that I didn’t turn him in, because he went after other girls.”
“That’s not your fault,” I insisted. It broke my heart that she could feel guilty for whathedid.
“I know,” Ava said. “John’s the only one to blame for his actions, but I can’t help but think those girls would be in a better place if I’d come forward. Now I have the chance to put him behind bars, but to do that, I have to live through all that shame again. I have to face him. And I’m not sure I’m ready for it, or if I’ll ever be.”
I smoothed her hair down. “Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I know it. And I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”
She squeezed my hand. “Thanks. I don’t know what my choice is going to be. But if I’m going to do this, I’m going to need to be really brave… braver than I ever have been.”
“You’re the bravest person I know. It’s completely up to you if you want to pursue this or not.”
I hesitated before I added, “I was surprised you were so ready to jump into this, after what happened.”
I didn’t say it out loud, but I figured Ava wouldneverwant to be tied up or held down, especially not in a situation that resembled anything sexual.
“It’s not the same,” she said immediately. “When you’ve got me bound and I can’t move, it feels safe… like I’m being embraced instead of trapped. I know I’m in a place where someone else is considering what my needs are one hundred percent. That’s nothing like what happened to me.”
“I didn’t know if this was going to be something you liked. You hate being told what to do.”
“Yes and no. When you give me instructions like you just did, it shuts the voices out and makes them stop. Ihaveto be in the moment, because there’s no other choice. It makes my thoughts go still. My whole life, it’s always felt like my brain doesn’t belong to me. It’s just some monster that runs rampant and ruins my life.”
“Well, you did beautifully.”
“I like being submissive. I don’t have to be in control.”
I wasn’t sure I was getting her point. “Can you explain it a little better?”
She nestled in closer to me. “I know on the outside, it appears like I’m a hurricane, destroying everything in my path. But you have no idea how much work it takes to keep that hurricane a small storm, and not a total calamity. I have to be in control of my lifeall the time. My thoughts, feelings, actions, every second of my day has to be monitored to keep me from spinning out. It’s gotten so much worse since I’ve been in a wheelchair, because now my body has to be monitored, too. I just can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I want to turn it all off, like a switch, but it’s always stuck toon. Then you came in here with that rope, and everything seemed to center into one moment. I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. It went away.”
Ava squeezed my sides tighter. “Anyway, how’d you get the idea to do all that?”
“Ivy,” I said simply.
“I thought you two weren’t talking.”
“We’re… working it out,” I said. “I don’t know if I can forgive Ivy for what they did to you, but Ivy really does care about us, and our relationship. Not to mention their advice was completely on-point.”
Ava giggled just as a frantic knock came at our door. I startled, and Ava asked, “Is some stupid guard here to tell us there’s rules against sex now?”
“Told you that you screamed too loud,” I teased, and Ava snickered.
