“Then why does it feel like you’re forcing yourself to go through this alone?”
I tensed against his body, and Ethan said, “I’m not oblivious to your pain, Emma. I see the look in your eyes whenever Delmare or Vara pass. Whenever Gabby’s child is mentioned. You freeze, and you become so far away. I don’t know what I need to do in order to lessen that pain, but I want to help you, so let me.”
My mouth went dry, and I drew closer to him as I insisted, “We can try. We can take the risk. There’s a chance, a good one, our kids will be healthy, and they won’t inherit my disease. My condition is rare. We could have a healthy child.”
“Or one that isn’t, or a genetic carrier of your illness,” Ethan pointed out. “You said before you couldn’t live with giving your disease to a child.”
“Maybe I was wrong to say that. It’s not like living with a disease makes your life less worthwhile, or less valuable. I shouldn’t count myself out of having kids because I might pass on what I have. Suffering happens to everyone, not just disabled people. Any child that is brought into the world will experience pain, at some point. After all, isn’t their life worth something, worth living, even if they end up like me?”
“That’s not a terrible argument, but is it one you can stand behind if you don’t get the results you want, and the worse case scenario happens? Because I could live with that,onawilke, but I don’t know if you could. And I think you’re still holding out for the gamble that they’ll be all right. I could accept having a sick child, and not allow the guilt to eat me alive. Could you?”
That was a tough question. Ethan wouldn’t blame himself, or me, if our children inherited what I had.
Me? I didn’t know. It was another one of those situations where I wouldn’t truly know the answer until I was in it, and playing with someone’s life like that seemed cruel.
“I can’t tell you if I’d be okay or not,” I said. “But I’m certain that children are something that I want in my life, someway, somehow. And I’m not sure if there’s another way to get what I want, except to roll the dice and hope things turn out all right. I recognize that it feels— and sounds— selfish. But I’m just not sure how to move past this pain in any other way.”
“You’re missing an even bigger component. It won’t be a walk in the park,onawilke.”
Ethan’s words were so true. I could become pregnant, technically, but it would be high-risk, and the chances of me dying from childbirth or pregnancy were higher than they were for most women. Ethan and I had made the decision not to have children for my own safety… and to avoid possibly passing my disease down to my child. But if we really wanted to, we could still try.
Honestly, the fact that I still had a choice in the matter made everything that much harder. If it were up to fate, and I was sterile, the decision would be off my shoulders. I wouldn’t be forced to make a choice whether to go through with a pregnancy or not. Every time I thought about having children, I had to consider how much I was willing to risk… my own life, along with the health of my child. The indecision of not knowing what to do or how much to sacrifice tore me in two.
“My doctor approved me for pregnancy. She’ll think I’ll be fine,” I said.
“But we know there will be complications. Possibly life-threatening ones.”
“So the pregnancy will be high-risk. Why not put everything on the line, in order to get what we want?”
“Because it could end with you sicker than you already are, or worse, dead,” Ethan said firmly. “We cannot gamble with your life like that, not only for ourselves, but for Malovia’s sake as well.”
I chewed on my lip as I thought. “This is a tough situation. I don’t want to put myself at risk, and I’m not sure if I could be okay with the possibility of passing on my disease. But at the same time, I don’t know if my life could be complete if I can’t be a mother. And I don’t want to sit here and make you promises that I don’t mean. Words have power. As fae, they’re our intention, our magic. And I can’t swear that you and Malovia are enough without being dishonest, and betraying my heart.”
“The godsmustanswer our prayers,” Ethan said in frustration. “There has to be a way to mend this pain without putting you or a child at risk.”
“If there’s an answer, it’s not clear right now,” I said. “Maybe that’s what we have to live with.”
Ethan nodded. “We’re still so young. We don’t have to decide at the moment. Sometimes the right answer is perhaps no answer at all.”
“I don’t even know if I’d be a good mother,” I muttered.
“I believe you would be,” Ethan said.
“Would I? My mother did the best she could, and she made a lot of sacrifices to keep me safe. But she was also a selfish person. She still is, to a point.” I rubbed my eyes. “I feel awful saying all of this about her, especially after she nearly died in the fire. But sometimes, my mother makes decisions that are best for herself, and not for Arthur and I. I understand what she gave up. Yet I find myself terrified that I’m going to repeat her mistakes. She clung to me and became obsessed with my life because she had to leave Arthur. I wouldn’t want to smother a child like that. It stunted me, Ethan. I’m still learning how to get around that. What if I made the same mistake with my own child?”
“You have to remind yourself that you are not your mother,” Ethan said kindly.
“Am I that much different, though? Having a child with my disease is a fear of mine, but it’s a worse fear that I’ll be a terrible mother. I can’t help but think that Iamlike my mother, because becoming a parent is a selfish decision no matter how you look at it. You’re creating a new life, someone to love that youknowwill suffer, because you feel like something is missing inside of you. What’s more selfish than that?”
“But it’s also necessary,” Ethan pointed out. “The world goes on, with or without us. Children will grow to suffer, but they will also grow to experience joy, and happiness, and will make the world a better place. It’s not selfish to want a child, Emma. And it’s a bit extreme to believe that you’re condemning a child to a life of misery because you’ve brought them into the world. Life is both joy and pain. That’s what makes it beautiful. And worth living.”
“I don’t want to damage my child.”
“Every parent makes mistakes. It’s what you do to repair them that counts,” Ethan said.
I began to shake. “I’m still soangryat my father. And that rage feels unjustified, because he did the best he could, but I’m still mad that he couldn’t be there for me growing up. And I’m mad at my mother, for keeping Arthur and I apart. No matter how much she feared for our lives, that waswrong, Ethan. I’ve tried to let it go, for the sake of my family, but there’s still a part inside of me that resents them both.”
“You can’t reverse the past.”
