“Yes. We want you and Ethan to be the godparents,” Vara added.
Being the godmother was a great honor, but at this moment in time, it almost felt like a consolation prize, and a shitty one at that. Ethan and I had just had this conversation when we found out Gabby was pregnant. We had to revisit the fact that I couldn’t have kids all over again. It had been a hard conversation to have, and now, it was being shoved in my face for the second time— even though I knew my brother and Vara didn’t want to hurt me. Their lives and their decision to have a child had nothing to do with me.
I was really excited to be an aunt. My brother and Vara looked so happy. They were thrilled they were going to be parents, and I was over the moon for them.
So why did I feel like crying?
Arthur hurried to add, “I’ve been researching CVID in our family line, Emma. I haven’t found anything yet, but we’re getting genetic testing done as soon as he or she is born. We’re taking as many precautions as possible, to make sure the baby is healthy.”
I was glad my brother had chalked up my not-so-great reaction to the worry of passing on a family disease, and not what was really bothering me. For a lack of anything else to do, I gave him and Vara a hug. “You two are going to be the best parents. I already know it.”
“It’s all happening so fast,” Arthur admitted. “But I know I have the support of my family, and that’s all I need.”
I kept on smiling, even though it hurt to do so. I wouldn’t let the tears fall. This was my brother’s moment, and Vara’s, and to ruin that with my own pain would be wrong. I was as happy about this baby as I was sad about it. I already loved him or her, because they were my brother’s child.
Still... I feared resenting that little baby, who had done nothing wrong. I was worried I would despise this child merely for existing, for reminding me of what I could never have.
And I hated myself for that. I shouldn’t have mixed feelings about my brother becoming a father, and yet, I couldn’t seem to stop them from washing over me like an uncontrollable torrent of agony. I felt like a complete monster.
“Are you sure you still want to be my handmaiden?” I told Vara. “Being pregnant and serving me at the same time is a lot to ask.”
“Yes. This is my decision,” Vara said firmly. “I need something to keep myself busy, until the baby arrives. I figure the closer I am to you, the safer my baby is.”
That much was true. I had protection as queen, and Vara could take advantage of that. I had a duty to defend this child, and for my brother’s sake, I would make sure this baby was safe.
The door to the Hall of Wonders creaked open. I scowled— I’d told Towman not to let anyone in here, and I was having a vulnerable moment. I didn’t want to be bothered.
But my irritation fell away when I saw Lady Magdalina stroll in, her shoulders thrown back. She must’ve been looking for me, and a mere guard was no match for Magdalina’s blustering stature.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. She stood across from me and patted her hair.
“I created this room,” Lady Magdalina said. “King Lycus asked me to make it for him long ago, an escape from the royal world within the palace walls. I believe it is the perfect place for a training arena.”
“Training?” I asked.
“Of course,” Magdalina said briskly. “I have decided that I will become your mentor, and teach you everything I know about magic.”
I gaped. Lady Magdalina was the most powerful sorceress in the world. To learn from her directly was a great honor.
“Come now, Emmaline, close your mouth,” Magdalina quipped. “It doesn’t become a queen to bob like a fish.”
I shut my lips and held back an angry growl. “I figured my education came secondary, since I’m ruling the country.”
“You still have a destiny as the Worldweaver,” Lady Magdalina said— like I needed a fucking reminder. “It would do you good to begin practicing higher magic as soon as possible, because you are going to need it.”
Magdalina walked to the center of the room. The Hall of Wonder changed, and became a broad dirt arena with wooden stands. It was similar to the Field the King’s Contest was held in. My friends went to the stands to sit and observe, keenly watching Lady Magdalina and I.
I looked down and noticed my queen’s dress had been replaced with leather combat gear, which was easy to maneuver in. Magdalina wore a similar outfit, which I took to mean these lessons would be nothing short of violent.
“Could you teach us how to use the Crystals of Harmony?” I asked.
Magdalina shook her head slowly. “I’m afraid not. I do not know how to harness their power. You will have to find another way, in that regard.”
My hopes fell, but I didn’t allow myself to get too disappointed. We’d figure out how to use the Crystals someday, and any instruction from Lady Magdalina was valuable.
“So what’s the first lesson?” I asked, brushing my hands on my pants. I was ready to kick ass. It’d be good to get out some pent-up aggression.
“I will bring a monster into this room, and you will learn to control it,” Magdalina said simply, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
