"Hold on," I begged, and I rubbed my cheek against the wolf pup’s head. The wolf pup gave a tiny sigh of labored breath. Her eyes glanced up to mine, begging me to do something to save her life. She was wheezing now, as if every breath she took was harder and harder to gasp.
"Don't die." A tear leaked out of my eye and ran straight down my cheek. It landed on the wolf pup’s soft fur, and I realized that my tears wereblood.The tears stained her coat, changing it from the ginger tone it once was to a dark ruby that was deeply unsettling. It was like my tears werekillingthe wolf pup. She yelped in pain as each tear fell onto her coat, her claws digging into my shirt at the feel of the blood landing upon her.
"Okay, I'll stop." I wiped at my face frantically, but I had a terrifying sense that it was already too late.
The wolf pup wavered in my arms. Her eyes began to close, and a terrifying horror welled up within me as her body stiffened against mine, finally going still.
I came to a screeching halt. I looked down upon the frail wolf pup in my arms, and realized that she’d stopped breathing.
"No," I whispered, jostling her in my arms. "Please don't go. Please stay. You canfight. You can do this."
My words fell flat. They could do nothing to bring the wolf pup back. I had failed her. I had failed to find her mother, failed to stop this sickness from taking her life.
She was dead.
Weeping frantically, I fell to my knees, cradling the wolf pup’s body in my arms. Her form was limp, and her tongue lolled out of her mouth as I gently set her on the ground.
I began to dig into the ashen earth with my bare hands. I dug and dug, until my hands grew sore. The blood tears running from my eyes fell onto the ground and created a puddle, one that stained the ashes red.
When I had a deep-enough hole, I placed the wolf pup into the grave, and stroked her fur.
"I'm so sorry," I wept. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't enough."
The wolf pup remained still. I kissed her little cheek, and began to fill in the grave. The dirt poured over her tiny body and soft, beautiful fur. All the while, I couldn't stop crying. It felt like I was burying my whole life in this tiny little grave. Everything I loved, everything I wanted, the person I had become, was being smothered in dirt as I gave honor to the little one I couldn't save.
When the grave was finally covered, I placed both hands over it, as if giving a prayer to the gods themselves. I couldn't forgive myself for letting this happen. I couldn't forgive myself for allowing this wolf pup to slip away… for mydreams to slip away.
If only I had tried harder. If only I had done more. If only I hadbeenmore, this wolf pup wouldn't have died, and I wouldn't have let myself down. I had the capability— I just couldn't push myself that far. I failed myself, and failed everyone I loved, because I just couldn't achieve what I'd always set out to do. No matter what I tried, or what I did, I would always lose in the end. No matter how hard I worked, or what I sacrificed, or what I decided to give up in my pursuit of my goals, my dreams would never come true… because I was cursed.
The gods had damned me to a cruel fate, and there was no overcoming my pain. If I was a stronger person, a better person... hell, even justsomeone else,I was sure that I could save the world, and be everything I needed myself to be.
But I wasn't enough. And I would never be enough. I couldn't be a queen, because I'd fail my people, and I’d fail the country.
At this point, I wasn't convinced that I could save the fae. I was certain that I would mess it up somehow, and damn our entire race to extinction.
I would fail them. Just like I had failed this little wolf pup. And then, once I had failed, people would forget about me, and my legacy would fall to the pages of history. I would be completely forgotten as the Worldweaver who could not rescue the very thing she held dear. I would be forgettable, because there was nothing phenomenal about me. I was worse than average.
I was nothing.
If only I had been born as someone different, and not me. I had dreams, but those dreams were falsehoods, because I'd let them die, and I'd let a million other dreams die before I managed to get close to achieving them. I didn't want to dream anymore, because I always knew the outcome. People like me didn't have happy endings. It was easier for us to be alone, because being alone was all we knew. At this point, it was better to stop trying, to keep reaching for disappointment. People believed in me, but it was only because they didn't know the true me. I knew who I was inside, knew that I didn't have what it took. The darkness wasn't Droga, wasn't Gabby. It wasn’t the war.
The darkness was insideme.
I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to the grave. I smelled the ash in the ground and thought of the wolf pup lying underneath the surface. At least now she would be at peace. At least now that I had let my dreams go, and come to terms with who I truly was, she could lie in rest.
At least she wouldn't be burdened to suffer with the consequences of my mistakes.
I wiped my eyes and stood, knowing that I could not stay here forever. I had to move on. There wasn't any point in lying here and waiting to die. Somewhere out there, there was more for me. Iknewthere was. It was so tempting, the thought of giving up and releasing my life. If I could, I would have given up my soul for the wolf pup’s sake. I would have given everything to gift her just a few more moments of life.
I knew that wasn't possible. I could not move on from this grief, but I could move forward. I had to leave the wolf pup behind, and become someone new. Otherwise, I'd be just as dead as she was.
I turned from the grave and began to walk away, toward the mountains. I didn’t know why I was going there, or what purpose it might have, but taking one step at a time felt like the right thing to do.
As I walked away from the grave, I heard a strange noise. It was the sound of ground shifting, gravel moving. As I turned, my jaw dropped open as I realized the grave was beginning to cave in.
"No!" I screamed. I ran back toward the grave, but came to a skidding halt as I saw a red paw emerge from the hole.
Before my eyes, I watched as a fully grown she-wolf pulled herself out of the grave, shaking the dirt from her red coat. The dirt fell to the ground in clumps as she pulled herself from the grave, muscles bulging, stance proud and true.
