“You don’t have to make a major impact to change someone’s life. You can make a change by starting small and working your way up,” Emma insisted. “You believe power only lies with one man, but even if you were king, you can’t force anyone to live by your laws. The only person you ever truly reign over is yourself. So what kind of man are you going to be?”
Her question gave me more curiosities than answers. If I stripped away all the expectations that made me who I was, what would be left?
“You’re not the prince, and you’re not the Phantom. You’re justEthan,” Emma insisted. “What happened yesterday doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you do today, and you have to go forward one step at a time.”
I’d mused on something similar months ago. If I was to survive, I had to be born again, and become a different man. Not a monarch or a monster, but merely myself.
Who was I, and what did I want? It was a tough question to answer.
I couldn’t come up with any solution, except I knew I wanted Emma. I wasn’t sure if that was enough.
“Most of my life, I’ve walked alone. It’s what made being the Phantom so comfortable,” I told her. “I had friends and family, but I kept them all at a distance. I never opened up to anyone. That notion was challenged when you came into my life. Hiding things was unbearable. I couldn’t keep secrets from you, though I tried. And my biggest secret blew up in my face.”
“You have to learn to let people help you,” Emma said. “All of us have said it, but I’m done begging, Ethan. Do you want me, or not?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then make a decision to let people in!” Her voice grew even more urgent. “That’s your biggest flaw— that you don’t ask for help, and try to shoulder everything on your own. I’m your mate. It’s my job to be your partner. And I feel so alone when I can’t share our burdens, because whatever you may think, your problems aren’t just yours. They’re mine, too. You always want to play the hero, but sometimes, you’re the one who needs to be saved. My hand is reaching for you— just take it.”
I could hear the genuine love in her voice. She wanted us to be united, and face things together.
My life could be so scary at times. So terrifying. I hadn’t wanted to put Emma through that, didn’t want her to see the dark side.
Yet I couldn’t fight my demons without her. I needed her support if I was going to pull myself out of this.
“I have a duty,” I argued. “I can’t just think of myself.”
“Why not? You don’t have to bring down Gabby and Eli. You don’t even have to help us find the crystals,” Emma protested.
“Emma, the dragon oath will kill me if I don’t own up to my vow,” I told her. “I promised to do whatever I could to find the Crystals of Harmony with the rest of you.”
I sighed. “And I’m tired of making promises and breaking them. When people believe in me, they become disappointed.”
“Try harder,” Emma insisted. “I wouldn’t still be here if I thought you were a lost cause. Our friends wouldn’t be downstairs right now, stealing cookies from a fucking witch if they didn’t think you could be saved. We’re all standing at the door, but you have to be the one to open it.”
Emma was right… but the choice to allow people to help me was a painful one. I was an alpha. I wanted to shield the ones I loved from my pain and protect them.
Yet that urge to protect had turned to poison, and changed into an obsession to defend Malovia at any cost. Even if it hurt someone I loved.
I couldn’t do that anymore. I wouldn’t. But was I strong enough to make the change?
“You have the strength to move on without me,” I said. “Why haven’t you done it by now? Why are you still fighting for a lost cause?”
“I don’t think you’re lost. I don’tneedyou in my life. If this doesn’t work, I’ll carry on without you.” Emma took a breath. “But Ethan Nowak, you are the person I cherish the most, the mate of my soul and the love of my life. Don’t make me move on without you unless you’re ready to let go. Don’t give up on me unless you can’t stand to go on any longer, because I willnevergive up on you.”
Emma placed a coin in front of me— a channel to summon Luka. “I brought this into the spiritual plane when I began meditating,” Emma said. “I’m holding it in my palm in the real world. If you love me, prove it. Use the coin as an offering to Luka, and face your demons. Do the shadow work and forgive yourself for what went wrong in your life. If you want me, fight for me. I’ll wait for you, Ethan. But it won’t be forever, and the first person you need to learn to love is yourself.”
Emma faded away, and I was alone in the room. I reached out and took the coin, turning it in my hand.
This was an exceptionally painful process. But Emma was right. We couldn’t move on and be free unless I became a changed man, and the only way to do that was to leave the past in the past.
I stared at the coin and concentrated. Instead of immediately summoning Luka, I began my shadow work.
I forgive myself for not saving my father.There was nothing that could be done. His time had come, and I had to accept that his death was what the gods wanted. I could not bring him back, but I could keep his memory alive by living out his legacy as his son.
I forgive myself for losing my leg.I was no longer burdened by being an amputee. Losing my leg had ceased to bother me. I had proved I could still do everything I wanted without it, and though there was a piece of me missing, it did not define me, nor make me less whole than anyone else.
I forgive myself for hurting my Emma.This was the hardest. I didn’t want to forgive myself for hurting my mate. But continuing to hold onto my mistakes was hurting her more. I had to leave it in the past.
