“He was kind and giving. In fact I think he first noticed me out of pity. I was a pitiful little thing back then when we met.”
“It was my first year of college and once again I was all alone. I’d won a scholarship and moved halfway across the country.”
“My natural fear kept me timid, so it was easy for others to exploit that. I never stood up for myself back then.”
“One day these girls were making fun of my clothes and he came along and stopped them. I remember standing there scared out of my mind that they were going to do something. That I might get into trouble and get thrown out.”
“After that day it seemed like I kept running into him. I think he’d asked around about me and learned that I was poor, that I didn’t have a lot.”
“I’d found a job at a local restaurant, but I couldn’t keep up with the other sorority types and the trust fund babies. Not that I wanted to, but it was hard always sticking out like a sore thumb.”
“Anyway, Richard was just always there and I guess we just fell in love with each other. When I fell pregnant he decided that we should get married.”
“We’d been together for two years then, but had only started sleeping together a few months earlier. That was one of the things I liked about him, he never rushed me into anything.”
“He knew I wasn’t ready that first year, so we spent that time getting to know each other. Anyway, I got pregnant and again I was afraid, more afraid now that there was a baby who needed me.”
“His parents didn’t agree to us getting married, but Richard insisted they’d come around. They never did, but he didn’t leave my side.”
“Those months with him were the happiest of my life. We had such hopes and dreams. He was so excited about the baby that it helped ease my fear. And then it all came crashing down.”
“Once again tragedy struck and I was left alone. Can you imagine how it felt to be pregnant and all alone in the world with nothing?”
“I knew then that I was never meant to be happy in this life. that whatever happiness I find will be fleeting. Everyone I love dies. This is why, I’m so afraid of what you make me feel.”
“What I felt for Richard was a childish love. It was soft and easy, comfortable. We never fought, never really had any disagreements.”
“He was nothing like you. You’re this huge force that takes me over and makes me want, makes me dream. And I’m so afraid Evan.”
“I’m afraid that if I let myself believe in this, that I’d lose once again. I couldn’t bear it if you died Evan. I wouldn’t want to live if that happened.”
“I’m afraid, and so I have to keep my love for you hidden. I also feel such guilt. I loved Richard with the innocence of youth, but what I feel for you is so much more.”
“Something I can’t put into words because it’s so much bigger than I am. If I love you this much, how do I know that love won’t hurt you too?”
“So I’ll keep you safe by keeping this love for you secret in my heart. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to share this with you.”
“Maybe one day the fear would loosen its grip and I would be free to love, because I want to so badly.”
“I see the way you are with my daughter and my heart just overflows with love. If she can’t have her father, there’s no one else I would choose to take his place but you.”
“But my fear is too strong, please forgive me for being weak.” I felt the first tear fall and my eyes flew open.
I looked down at the top of her head where it rested on my chest, still not letting her know that I was awake. My guts hurt and my heart wasn’t faring much better.
I had tears in my own eyes and I had to stiffen my resolve so as not to give myself away. I wanted to hold her but wasn’t sure I should let her know I’d heard every word.
I pretended to be coming awake with a huge yawn and stretch. “Baby you still awake?” hopefully she didn’t hear the sadness in my voice.
I rolled her onto her back and leaned over her. She’d tried to wipe the tears from her eyes but the tracks were still there and they broke my fucking heart.
I’ll forever remember every word, and use them as a guide. Somehow I’m going to help her get over her fear. Somehow I’ll free her.
I understand her now, and though I’ll always hate that there was ever someone else in her life, knowing that her love for me is stronger is all I’d ever wanted.
Knowing that she loves me as much as I love her has helped tame the green eyed monster somewhat and I felt much lighter as I looked down at her.
I trailed the backs of my fingers down her cheek and looked down at her tenderly. “You’re tired baby, too tired to take me again.”
