“Y-Yeah.” Jax shifted, letting out a short gasp before getting more comfortable, letting out a heavy sigh. “I didn’t want this to happen here.”
“How oftendoesthis happen?” Tristan kept his tone low and gentle.
“A couple of times a year, but I’ve always been at home, or I’ve been able to get home before it started.” Staring at the ceiling again, he blinked, fighting back tears. “Four years ago, I woke up after a night out and I couldn’t move. Everything in my back locked up, and my legs wouldn’t work. I couldn’t even turn my body. I was terrified.” He stopped and swallowed, clicking his tongue piercing on the back of his teeth. “After a while, I was able to push myself off the bed and drag myself to my phone, but it was…I passed out a few times from the pain.” He locked his shining eyes with Tristan’s, showing it all to him, and Tristan dove deep, once again wishing that he could rip that agony away. “It’s not great when your Mom has to let the EMTs in, and you’re wheeled out of your place on a stretcher in front of everyone in your building.”
“That must’ve been awful.” Tristan squeezed his hand. “Did your back ever bother you before that?”
“No, that’s why I had no idea what was happening. My leg had been hurting for a month, but I thought it was a pulled muscle, like I’d overdone it at the gym.” He paused again, and Tristan waited patiently, doing his best to radiate calm. “Turned out I had two herniations in my spine, alongwith some degenerative stuff, and it all came together after a long weekend of partying.” He smiled grimly. “You know, the night before it happened, I made a vow to buckle down and get my degree. I was at the end, in my final semester, and I never got to finish. And my last night out dancing was really mylastnight. I had surgery the week after, and for a while I was sort of okay, but now I’m heading back to where I started.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.” When Tristan spoke, it was soft, reverent, because Jax was pouring his heart out, and Tristan wished he had something more to be than sorry. “In a way, I wish I could take some of the pain from you.”
Jax stared at him, shocked, and then his face softened. “You’re doing a lot already.”
“And the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong?” Tristan ventured. He thought it was an innocent question, but Jax’s forehead creased again as he tensed up.
“I’ve tried many rounds ofwhat the fuck is going onwith various specialists, been to PT four times, got the shots, all the tests, but I get zero straight answers. And honestly, the whole system is fucked. Being like this,” he waved his hand up and down his body. “And having to be a functional person through the pain takes all my energy, and on top of that, I have to make appointments and deal with health insurance companies. And doctors who make me wait five months for nothing.”
“I could help. I’m very good on the phone.” Stroking his thumb over the top of Jax’s hand, Tristan kept his tone even.
“I bet you are,” Jax chuckled, but darkness still swirled in his gaze. “And I appreciate it, but the point is that it’s hard. And I’m honestly out of options and fucks to give.”
“But there may be more options than you think,” Tristan blurted without thinking, wanting to help, but that darkness took over and Jax’s gaze turned into a glare.
“Aren’t you optimistic?” It came out sarcastic and barbed, and two seconds later, Jax looked stricken. “No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I need to stop being an asshole.”
Giving another squeeze to Jax’s hand, Tristan smiled serenely. Eve had never said sorry, not once, so Jax’s quick apology meant a lot. “While Iappreciate it, we’ve already established that this is a no-sorry zone.”
Shame lingered in Jax’s eyes.
“You know…I wasn’t like this before the back thing.” The words were filled with vulnerability.
“Like this?” Tristan echoed, confused.
“Angry.” Jax spoke as if the answer was evident.
“I don’t think you’re angry.”
Jax’s eyes grew large with surprise. “You don’t?”
“No.” Tristan tried to be as genuine and open as possible. “I think you’re hurting. You have every right to be upset, and I’d like to help you channel it.”
“So I don’t take it out on anyone,” Jax added in a flat tone.
“That’s one of the reasons. But I also want you tonotfeel that way. Or at least to have some peace, or joy.” He tilted his hand, rubbing the center of Jax’s palm with his thumb.
“I sleep through my pain, so I don’t really get peace.” Jax’s bark of laughter had no humor in it, and Tristan’s understanding rose another level. If he thought he’d had perspective, then he needed to open his eyes even more and learn from Jax every day.
“Then we focus on joy. Let’s start with getting your body to create more oxytocin. It’s a hormone that helps you feel better mentally.”
“How do I do that?” Attention piqued, Jax studied Tristan intently.
“Through meditation, listening to music, laughing, hugging, and…” Tristan could feel his cheeks burning. He should’ve stopped while he was ahead.
“And?” Jax’s lips quirked. When Tristan didn’t answer, Jax pushed with a short laugh. “And?”
“And orgasms,” Tristan blurted, loving Jax’s smile.
“Sweet. I choose that option,” Jax winked, this time giving Tristan’s hand a squeeze. “But not right now.”
