“I was looking for you.” I stood in front of the staircase, crossing my arms. “Were you riding?”
“I was.” Colin unbuttoned his coat. “I grew weary of spending my mornings at the house.”
His tone was abrupt, as if he wished to keep our conversation brief. He started toward the stairs, but I didn’t move out of the way. “Did you encounter Miss Sharp on your ride?”
Colin smoothed a hand over his hair, which had been rather flattened by his hat. “I did not.” He paused. “But she was at the ball last night.”
My stomach dropped. “The viscount’s ball? Why the devil was she there? Did you speak with her?” The questions spilled out as my panic blossomed. Looking at Colin now, with his languid expression, I didn’t dare imagine how dreadful his interaction with Arabella had been.
“Calm yourself.” Colin crossed his arms, mirroring my posture. “I truly didn’t expect to see her there, but she was attending as Mrs. Ollerton’s companion. I was intent on avoiding her, but she approached me.”
My heart raced. “What did she say?”
He frowned. “She was quite cross with me. She accused me of avoiding her, and then she mentioned that she had no intention of holding me to any obligation regarding something that occurred the day before. I didn’t know what she was referring to, but I suspect you might have an idea.” He gave me a questioning look. “I escaped the conversation as quickly as possible and took my leave. She seemed quite distraught.” His brow furrowed.
“Of course she was distraught!” I buried my face in my hands. I could only imagine the confusion and betrayal Arabella must have been feeling. Colin—mutton-headed Colin—must have made her feel dismissed and forgotten. “I kissed her.” I uncovered my face. “I kissed her the day before and very nearly confessed my feelings.”
Colin stared at me blankly. “Your feelings?”
“I love her.” The words echoed in the entrance hall, and I knew they were true. I had never felt what I did for Arabella for anyone else. Confessing that to Colin hadn’t been part of my plan, but I couldn’t contain it a second longer. The ruse needed to end, and he needed to understand why.
A deep laugh escaped him, his eyes wide with dismay. “You cannot be serious.”
“I am.”
He groaned. “She was only courting you because she believes you have a fortune. I thought you were wiser than that. You cannot love her.”
“I do!” I took a step forward, a surge of anger rising in my chest. “You have made a habit of telling me what to do in most circumstances, but you cannot tell me not to love her.”
Colin searched my features, his own twisted in bewilderment. “What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking.” I raked a hand through my hair, leaving it a mess. My heart ached. I knew what would happen once I told Arabella the truth. It had been tearing me apart.
“The moment you tell her who you are, she will not want you any longer.” Colin’s voice broke through my thoughts, stabbing at the wounds that had already formed in my heart. He examined my downtrodden expression with a look of disgust. “You were meant to be making a fool ofher. Not the other way around.”
“Was there not part of you that wanted me to learn my lesson too?” I snapped. “I led Miss Merrick to fall in love with me, and then I abandoned her. When Miss Sharp rejects me, I will finally understand part of what I caused her to endure.” My jaw tightened, and I looked down at the floor.
“I didn’t anticipate this, though I cannot claim to feel sorry for you.” Colin’s voice grated over my skin. “You were once afortune hunter and so is Miss Sharp. Perhaps the two of you are a suitable match after all.”
I gritted my teeth. I had never defended my decisions regarding Miss Merrick. I had no excuse for my behavior, but Colin had never even tried to understand the reasoning behind it. “I was so envious of you, Colin.” My voice was hoarse. “I wanted the life you had. I wanted the ease and comfort that I had envied for so many years. I had no dreams beyond that, and I was blinded by greed.” I swallowed the guilt in my throat. “That was why I courted Miss Merrick. But I have learned my lesson. Miss Sharp is not rich. She doesn’t have a dowry at all, yet I love her. I wish to marry her.”
Colin stood perfectly still, seemingly absorbing my words one at a time. The shock faded slowly from his features until it softened into a faint scowl. “I have never understood how you could be envious of my position. When Father died, you were allowed to carry on living as you always had. I was forced into a responsibility I had never asked for. I was only eighteen.”
“I know. I was eighteen as well. I lost him, and I lost you at the same time. You changed. You became distant. You did nothing but work and hide away in the study while I looked after our mother and sisters.”
Colin’s eyes darkened with anger. “I enviedyou.” He looked down at the floor in the echo of his confession. “You were free to do as you pleased, relying on me to keep the estate thriving. You never offered to help because the estate was not yours. You were content to rely on me while I had no one.”
I stared at him in silence, the morning sun illuminating the resentment in his expression. “Money isn’t everything.” Colin met my gaze with a deep scowl. “But it seemed that money was all you cared for. You seemed to despise me for inheriting the estate, yet you gambled away what I offered you. When you began your pursuit of Miss Merrick, I could easily see yourintentions. I didn’t stop you, because I thought if you obtained the money you had always wanted, you might become yourself again. You had changed so much after Father’s death. I hardly recognized you, and I wanted my brother back.”
Colin rarely showed emotion, but I caught a flicker of pain in his eyes. The honest, raw words buried themselves deep in my chest. I had never considered that he missed our friendship the way I had. Our childhood had been so full of joy, and then it had all crashed around us.
“We both changed,” I said in a quiet voice. “I understand why you attempted to bury me from existence after what I did, but it still hurt to think that you no longer seemed to claim me as your family.”
Colin looked up, his eyes still guarded. “I was protecting Eloise and Sally.”
I gave a solemn nod. “I understand. And I’m sorry.”
Colin folded his arms tighter across his chest. “I’m sorry, too.”
