“Unfortunately, we don’t get to know that, but how do you imagine your life if you’d never befriended the boy from your block, if you hadn’t gone out for lacrosse?”
I thought about it. “I want to say I would have appreciated my friends and accepted my fate as a loser. But I would have envied the popular kids. And they would have bullied me anyway.”
“What, if anything, would have improved?”
“I would have kept the friends who supported me for who I was. Maybe I’d trust people still. I could have become an expert sax player if I’d stuck with band. I could have become a famous rock star.”
“Didn’t you become somewhat famous anyway?”
I chortled. “Sure. I’m very well-known in some demographics.”
“Now, I want you to compare that imaginary timeline with where you are today. What’s better about this path you took?”
The question shouldn’t have surprised me, but I’d been wallowing in the what ifs and hadn’t considered the flip side of the coin.
“Lacrosse changed my life for the better, helping me build confidence in my body and skills. My relationship with my dad improved. He came to all my games and spent a lot of his time learning about the sport so we could talk about it. And not all of the kids were assholes. I did make some good friends.” I tended to forget that. I’d abandoned them along with the rest.
“That’s all really great, Evan.” She let go of my hand. “It’s okay to question the choices we’ve made along the way. It’s how we grow, how we rectify past wrongs, and how we course correct when needed.”
I hoped she wasn’t going to leave me with that trite advice. “Right. But I should focus on today, on the future.”
She scowled. “I didn’t say that.”
“Sorry. My last therapist was always telling me I needed to find ways to let go of the past because it was ruining my present.”
“Your last therapist wasn’t wrong, but it’s hard to do that when you’re mired, when you feel responsible for wronging someone or you haven’t had closure from those who hurt you.”
That was true. “But what if I want to move on?”
“You’ve already been working on healing through therapy, but if you don’t feel like your personal growth is sufficient to balance out any specific harm you’ve caused, you can be the one to reach out and make amends with your middle school friends.”
“Right.” I thought about how that online chat with Lizzy Grant had ended. “And if they won’t talk to me?”
“Well, your peace of mind should never come at the cost of theirs. You’ll just have to find another way to forgive yourself.”
“How?”
“By understanding the only thing you can control is your relationship with yourself. You do the best you can, Evan.”
I repeated that phrase in my head.Do the best you can.It was so simple, but was that enough? “And am I just supposed to forgive everyone who wronged me?”
“Forgiveness may come in time.” She leaned closer. “But first you need to understand that you are not to blame for other people’s bad behavior.”
Something unknotted between my shoulders to hear it worded that way. “I know.”
“Do you?” She looked at me square in the eyes. “Because I hear you say you’re looking for absolution when you’re owed an apology.”
I released a long sigh. “Can’t both things be true?”
She snort-laughed, then shook her head. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a bit of a devil’s advocate?”
“Yeah, my parents used to tell me I was a little contrarian. I thought they meant because we lived a little bit in the country.”
“Only a little bit?”
“We lived at Lake Monticello.”
“Ah.” She sucked air through her teeth. “I know it well. A suburb surrounded by rural Virginia.”
