“Honestly, I don’t know, and I just talked to her.”
“She’s not your responsibility, Chelsea.”
“Nope.” I exhaled. It was the reminder I needed. Only my own choices were under my control, and I chose not to talk about my parents if I didn’t have to. “So how’s it going with Evan?”
She half-shrugged. “I’m not expecting anything, but today went well. Might as well see, right?” She poured me a glass of wine, saying, “You’re spending an awful lot of time with Bas.”
“He’s just another distraction.” I took a sip. “It’s no big deal.”
“It is, though. It’s unprecedented for you to let a guy take you out.” She leaned against the vanity.
“This isn’t exactly a real date. If anything, it’s a prelude to a quick hookup.”
She pursed her lips. “I’ve seen the way that guy looks at you. He doesn’t look like someone who’s interested in another hookup.”
“He was the last time.”
I found some coral lipstick and tried it on. It reminded me of my mom somehow, the color staining the butts of her cigarettes while she talked on the phone. I could almost hear her whispering to someone after my dad left.I shouldn’t have let him take all of me. Now there’s nothing left.
“But that was before you spent so much time together. Heseems to really like you.”
“He doesn’t even know me.” The coral made my skin look sallow. I rubbed it off with a tissue. “I have milk older than the time I’ve known him.”
Elizabeth held out a raspberry gloss. “So get to know him.”
“What’s the point? I’ll only end up hurting him.”
“So don’t.”
“Easier said than done.” I dug up a wine-colored matte from the collection and examined it.
“You don’t have to be all love-’em-and-leave-’emall the time.”
I closed my eyes and let the accusation slide off me. She meant it as a joke, but she wasn’t saying anything new.
“Don’t worry, E. I’ll do my best not to accidentally promise him anything I can’t deliver.”
She frowned. “I’m not worrying about him. I don’t even know if he’s the right guy for you, but I wish you’d give him an honest chance. You don’t have to always choose loneliness.”
That’s exactly what Dr. Rubin had said at our last session.
“The way you protect yourself. One day, you’ll be forced to make a choice between all or nothing, and I’m afraid you’ll choose nothing out of some misplaced fear of future disappointment.”
I scrubbed the tears off my cheek, unaware when I’d started crying. Christ, I’d turned into a faucet lately. “Don’t worry about me. I don’t believe in fairy tales. I’ll take what I can get.”
She rubbed my arm. “Keep telling yourself that. I’m not buying it.”
She was right about one thing. Bas was the perfect guy to take for a test run. He’d already confessed to quitting sports and degrees and probably more women than he’d ever admit. He was likely as transitory as I was.
Except for one dangerous detail. He was different than any guy I’d ever known. Calm. Funny. Attentive. He pushed, but ifthis was a dance, he was following my lead. I wouldn’t hurt him for anything. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, either, at least not on purpose. But with his gentle humor and unabashed interest in me, Bas had hooked a finger around my heart, and I wouldn’t give him the power to yank it clean out of my chest. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my mom had.
Elizabeth laid a hand on my shoulder and studied my expression, and I realized tears had wrecked my mascara. I definitely didn’t want her reading into my emotions. So I turned to face the vanity mirror, to shut her out, but then I was left facing myself.
“Got some mascara in my eye.” I lifted my chin and focused on fixing my makeup.
A knock at the door announced the arrival of our dates.
Elizabeth and I stared at each other for a minute, both a bit anxious. When I opened the door, my jaw dropped. This wasn’t ten-in-the-morning-sweats Bas. He’d showered and shaved and futzed with that great head of hair. He looked sharp in his gray sport coat over a white dress shirt that he’d left unbuttoned seductively. And he smelled like someone I’d like to eat with a spoon.
