“Was.”
“Holy shit. Good on you!” She twisted her mouth and muttered, “Mental note to cross him off the list.”
“Ash, I really am sorry. I should have just asked you instead of exploding all over you.”
She leaned forward and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “You know I love you, Layla.”
“Love you, too, Ash.”
“Not as much as you love Shane, though.”
I smacked her. Then I looked into her eyes for some hope. “Help me figure out how to prove I’m not this super fan, that I’m not just using him.”
She shrugged. “Shut down the site.”
The core of the earth could have detonated at that moment, and it wouldn’t have held a candle on the extinction-level event blowing my brain like a fiery comet.
“Shut down the site? My site?” The site I’d built from scratch, cultivated, maintained, marketed, grown, and loved like a best friend. It could be as irritating as a needy toddler, but in the absence of any real friends, the site had been my sole companion. I tried out the suggestion again. “Shut down the site.”
“You keep saying that.”
I was back to talking to myself. “What would it prove? What if I give it all up for nothing?”
“You know, if you have to ask that question, it makes me wonder if Shane might be right. What do you want, Layla?”
It would be a huge gesture, and not one Shane had asked of me. But it couldn’t be for him. It couldn’t just be about winning his trust because I wasn’t sure he could win mine. This would have to be for me. I closed my eyes, sucked in a breath and held it.
Delete my fan site. Of course.
I wouldn’t stop being a fan. I wouldn’t let Shane’s jealousy chase me completely away from the life I’d started to build. But I would prove the fandom didn’t define me. I didn’t need to be Pumpkin39 anymore.
The tears welled again. “If I shut down the site, what about you? What about everyone else?”
She rubbed my knee. “Layla, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there’s this place called Facebook . . .”
Would they all find each other there? Would life go on elsewhere? Would I matter to them anymore?
There it was. I realized it had always been a little bit about me. Okay, a lot. I’d thought by remaining anonymous, I was proving I didn’t care about the notoriety, but that wasn’t exactly true. I’d miss the ass kissing even though I’d demurely told them not to treat me special. I’d miss the feedback on my blogs. I’d miss cracking skulls from time to time and having people do what I said because I was the one who said it.
Everything crystallized around one brilliant realization.
“I need to shut down the site.” It was so obvious. I jumped out of the Uber the second it stopped in front of the address Zion had given me. “Come on. We have an empire to destroy.”
“Whatever you say, Fearless Leader.”
Chapter Thirty
Zion buzzed us up, then gave us the tour, such as it was. Unlike Micah and Shane, Zion apparently lived on normal wages because his place was a small two-bedroom all on one floor. His kitchen and living room overlapped in the same space, like onFriends. He showed me to Jo’s old room where she’d left behind her enormous bed that took up almost the entire space. It was perfect.
With a handshake, we worked out a loose agreement. He insisted on paying more than half the rent owing to a couple of factors. One being that his boyfriend would often come and go. Two being that he expected I might be spending more time away from home once Shane got home.
I explained that we’d broken up already. With a dramatic, “Oh, my God,” he dropped onto his sofa and started grilling me for details.
Ash said, “But she has a plan to get him back.”
I shook my head. “I know it won’t change anything really. Maybe it will make me feel good to show him he was wrong. He might never even know I did it.”
“You’re not going to tell him?”
