I cross my arms, trying to hold myself up when it feels like I’m falling. “What changes?”
“She said you’re revising it for the central allegory to be about breast cancer. Retool it to be about your experience with the illness…” Alice continues talking, but my brain is too loud to listen.
It’s not a story about breast cancer. I want to publish the book I wrote before the cancer, not hijack it.
“…will be an easy story to sell. I’ll be able to sign you, once you make the changes.”
Sign you.
This is it, some ambitious gremlin snarls in my mind, holding up the Be Yourself (Again) List, pointing at goal #3. The one that always felt the least attainable.
“That’s…incredible.” I spread my lips, baring my teeth in a smile. “Thank you,” I say, my voice rough.
“It’s exciting, kid! If you play the game, you’ll go far.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I will.”
Alice smiles at me and excuses herself.
I back toward the wall, trying to catalogue this moment. This is the top of the mountain, or at least the top ofamountain.
It’s different from what I expected. Not happy, not sad, just…tangled.
I look for Eitan, a reflex out of my control. He and Josh are by the stairs, and they look like they’re arguing.
“Testing,” someone whispers into a mic. After a sharp pang of feedback and a step back, Calliope speaks from the center of where everyone was dancing. “Thank you, everyone, for coming to celebrate Penelope and Josh tonight.” The room applaudspolitely. “Aunt Lou isn’t feeling well,” Calliope continues. “So she asked me to read this toast.” Calliope looks down at her phone. “Join me in raising a glass to the most beautiful couple,”Calliope recites. “May you enjoy the little moments. Laughter at the dinner table, drinking coffee together in the morning, holding hands during a thunderstorm. And may you never lose sight of all the days before tomorrow.”Calliope’s voice shakes. I know the words are for Penelope and Josh, but it feels like Louise wrote them for me too. “Here’s to you. To life, to good health, and to a love like bedrock.”
The party clinks glasses together, clapping and cheering. The memory of clinking flutes at the dinner tasting with Eitan floods me, and our eyes find each other like magnets.L’chaim,we blink at each other, from opposite sides of the crowded room.Saludozos.To life.
For one pulsing moment, I feel grateful. I’ve been stumbling through the dark, but at least I got to experience sunlight once.
chapter
thirty-one
Aliceand I have a call scheduled at the end of next week. The only thing standing between me and being signed with a literary agent is turning my book into a breast cancer story. I was up for half the night thinking about it. Logically, it’s a feasible change. If I pull a few late nights this week, I can make a sizable dent in the revisions. But…It’s not what I had imagined when I dreamed of Pen introducing me to her literary agent.
“Oh my God!” Pen screeches from her makeup chair. We’ve been in the bridal suite since eight, getting primped and painted and curled.
Lunch just arrived. I haven’t eaten anything yet, since I had to sprint for the train to make it to the country club for the first makeup slot.
“Tuna salad?” Penelope flicks the paper bag away from her in distaste. “ON MY WEDDING DAY?Ew!” Tori, Pen and Calliope’s mom, picks up the bag of tuna salad sandwiches and moves it as far across the suite from Penelope as possible.
“Let’s get room service!” Tori says. Clara and I look at each other, unsure who that was directed at.
Clara hustles to the phone, the satin ribbons of her lavender gown trailing her. “Hi,” she says to the hotel operator. “Can weget room service?” The operator says something. “Anything!” Clara’s voice strains. “Bring us anything that isn’t tuna salad.”
Calliope has already downed half a bottle of champagne. She and Penelope went toe-to-toe in a screaming match a couple hours ago about Calliope wanting to wear flats instead of heels.
I’ve been in charge of coordinating the hair and makeup slots. We’re approaching the finish line. Only Louise and Tori are left to be done up.
It’s about as far a cry from Izumi’s wedding as possible. I’m in the inner sanctum. The coveted circle of Pen’s closest friends. And yet, I don’t feel closer to anyone besides Calliope. Loneliness still buzzes around me.
Nothing is how I imagined it would feel.
I approach Tori, trying to keep everything and everyone calm. “Where’s Louise? Her makeup slot is in thirty minutes.”
“I’m not sure,” Tori says, frazzled. “I’ll give her another call.”
