“Do you cover your laptop camera?” he continues.
I shake my head, trying to calm down and get rid of this feeling of dread.
He hits the table. “It’s them. I’m telling you, man.”
“Thank you, Daniel.”
“It’s okay, anything for mymain man.”
I blink at him a few times, unsure of how to react. Giving up on a reaction, I turn, facing my music, hoping Daniel gets the hint and leaves or shuts up.
It starts raining on my way back from detention. I carry my backpack above my head to try to keep from getting wet, but that doesn’t do much. I can see home in the distance as I walk, but the closer I get, the farther it seems to be. I push through the drizzle and the wind until I finally reach our front door.
Ma’s at the table reading letters. She puts them facedown and smiles at me, but her eyes look sad. No matter what expression she has on her face, I can tell how bad things are when the light in her eyes dims, like it has now.
“Hey, Von, how was school?”
“Good, Ma…” I look at the letter in front of her. “What’s that?”
She shrugs. “I didn’t pay electricity last month, so they’re just writing about that.”
“Ma—”
“No, Von, I don’t want you involved. I’m your mother and I’m meant to take care of you, not the other way around.” She drops her head, which she does when she doesn’t want me to see her cry.
“Ma, please let me help you, okay? I can get the money.”
She shakes her head. “I know what you want to do and I don’t want you doing that ever. I want you off those streets, in that classroom—making your life better, not jeopardizing it.”
I say nothing.
“I’ll sort it out. Borrow money or something,” she says weakly.
“The bank won’t give you any more loans, Ma.”
“It’ll work itself out, Vonnie. God never falters.”
I want to laugh. He never falters, huh? Isn’t our life one big falter?
I stand here, watching her get dragged down by those papers, feeling as helpless as she is. Then I lean in, wrapping my arms around her.
I swear I will do well, Ma. I’ll get you a house, and a life where you won’t have to work.
I pull back, then head for my room, while weighing my options. I could listen to Ma and stay inside; hear her cries for guidance through the walls at night, hear her pleading to a figure who turns away when we need him most. Or I could go to Dre, ask him for help.
I walk into my bedroom, dumping my backpack onto the king bed I share with my brothers, who are watching cartoons on the small TV in the corner. I get lost for a moment, watching with them.Their eyes are wide and innocent. They don’t have to worry about the world yet. They have no clue.I hope they’ve eaten.
Ma has her way of dealing with things—praying to someone who couldn’t give a shit about us and working jobs that don’t pay enough. She always tells me how much she wanted to go to college, but it’s not something you can afford just like that, or something you can aspire to if your teachers—and therefore your grades—are shit.
We can barely afford Niveus, with my scholarship not covering all the tuition fees.
But she wants this for me: college, a degree…
I change into some sweats and get an umbrella from the closet.
“I’m gonna go to Jack’s,” I tell her when I step back into the kitchen. She and I share a look, one we share often. TheI don’t believe you, but stay safe / Don’t cause any trouble / Stay out of areas the police cars park in / Keep your head and hood downlook.
“Okay, Von.” There’s hesitance. “Stay safe.”
