“If these people meant a lot to you, tell them how much they fucked up, let them hear how you feel,” he says softly.
I nod. I need to confront Jack somehow.
“You give good advice,” I tell him.
“Thank you, Quick,” Terrell says.
Meow.
The sound startles me, and my eyes dart around the room for the devil incarnate.
Meow, meow.
The cat crosses the floor of Terrell’s bedroom, seemingly appearing from the shadows, and curls up next to his feet. I give it the evils.
“Hey, BS,” Terrell says in a cutesy voice.
“I’m going to head home now, I think,” I say, standing.
Terrell looks up while stroking his cat with one hand. “Let me walk you out.”
He walks me to the door and gives me a big goodbye hug. I hug him back tightly.
“Tell me how it goes tomorrow,” he says as he lets go.
I nod, promising him that I will.
Like this morning, I spent most of the evening in my room, zoned out, thinking about how shitty the world is. Thinking about Jack and how he was the one constant I had in my life.
I’m curled up on my bed, head buried in between my knees, trying to calm down; not feel so lost and out of control. I try to drown, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. I can’t get my head below the surface—something is keeping me afloat, forcing me to deal with the thoughts I usually keep locked away.
Someone with the key has broken in and unlocked Pandora’s box.
I keep wondering why Jack would do this, why he joined in. Why, after everything we’ve been through, did he want to hurt me so bad?
Terrell is right. I need to go and get closure.
I sniff and reach out for my phone on my nightstand. It’s only eleven.
I put my phone into the pocket of Terrell’s alien hoodie. I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I’m slipping into my sneakers, creepingout of my room, down the stairs, and out of the house, making sure to close the door gently. Ma is a light sleeper, and on the rare occasions I sneak out, I need to make little to no noise.
Our neighborhood is never all that quiet at night; there’s always guys doing shady stuff in corners, loud music, and the occasional sound of firing into the sky.
Jack’s uncle lives in the part of our neighborhood Ma never liked me going to, but because it was Jack and I’d known him forever, she allowed it. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep or got bored at night and Dre was busy, I’d go to Jack’s.
There’s a gap at the side of his house, and if you walk through, you find yourself in his backyard. Jack’s bedroom is on the first floor, and he has this huge glass door that you can see into.
Like I expected, the lights are on.
He’s seated on the floor doing homework, eyes focused on the pages. I remember when we were trying to get into Niveus, Jack wanted to prove to himself and his brothers that they were more than this place, this neighborhood, this life. I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn’t get beat up all the time.
We’d stay up until three o’clock sometimes, testing each other, trying to get into this school that was meant to change everything for us. I think that was the closest we’d ever been. I feel tears tickle my chin as the memory floats above the noise, and I wipe my face with the back of my hand.
I used to come here, knock on Jack’s door, and he’d let me in. We’d play video games or talk about stuff we wouldn’t say to other people. Sometimes we’d argue over stupid things, like the world being flat. Jack would say,What if we’ve just been made to think it’s not, and I’d tell him he was stupid, even planes flying around the earthproves the world isn’t flat. Then he’d say, in all seriousness,Pac-Man theory! Maybe the planes just start again from the same point. And I’d burst out laughing, tears streaming down my face, a stomach-aching kind of laughter.
Other times, we’d talk about serious stuff.
Some days, breathing is really fucking hard. I feel overwhelmed by it, you know?Jack would say, and I’d nod, because I did know. Jack hasn’t exactly won the lottery in life either. His parents are gone, his uncle is a drunk, he practically raises his brothers. He’d shake his head, hitting the buttons on the game controller, his eyes glassy as he breathed out, cheeks stained.But I have to keep going, for my brothers,he’d whisper.I don’t have a choice.
