“That’s what I mean. We just hung out. He’s nice.” Kai could feel Liam’s stare boring through him but resolutely didn’t look his way. The only way to deal with Liam was to make sure he didn’t get anything he could work with. Jason munched on the overlooked caprese salad, but he was staring at Kai in the same assessing way. Jason was Liam’s polar opposite. Where Liam was chaos, Jason was steady. He was the oldest, at twenty-seven, and ninety-five percent of the reason the adult shit, like rent and bills, got paid. When he stared at Kai like that, itmade him feel like Jason saw more than Kai was ready to share.
“Do you fuckinglikehim?” Liam spat out the word like it was dirty, his face twisted in a mix of scorn and incredulity.
“Liam.” Jason said his name like a warning.
“I’m just saying that if we can’t make rent this month because this guy has a crush, I’d like to know now instead of the last fucking minute.” Jason and Liam squared off, Liam’s face angry and stubborn and Jason’s wordlessly telling him to dial it the fuck down.
“You can’t make rent?” Casey interrupted, eyes wide, worry and fear freezing him in place. Callum stopped mid-chew, immediately concerned.
“I’ll have it,” Kai inserted quickly. “I’ll call Freddy and see if he’s got anything for me.”
Liam stared him down for what felt like a full minute, and this time, Kai forced himself to mirror the glare. Liam scoffed and stormed out, slamming the screen door, letting it ricochet off the porch railing with a crash. The room was silent. Kai glanced at the twins, catching them as they exchanged worried looks. Kai jumped off the couch, wrapping an arm around both of them and ruffling their hair.
“Don’t stress. Liam’s just being a dick. We’re gonna make rent. Don’t we always?” He ignored the hollow sensation in his chest. Sure, it was the twenty-fourth, and he was still three hundred short, but he’d figure it out. He’d done it before.
He thought about the Lego store, how he had been so close to not even having to worry about this right now. Maybe if he’d just asked Nolan for the cash… no. Kai didn’t want this thing with Nolan to be contaminated with money. He didn’t want to feel like Nolan had bought him. Being with him this weekend had felt like a brief reprieve from all of this bullshit and he was desperate to hold onto that feeling for as long as he could.
Heavy rock music from next door blasted into the trailer, and Kai’s stomach dipped even more. This was how most nights escalated. Riley, the twins’ mother, and her boyfriend, Dom, would have a few drinks. Some of their friends would stop by, and when they were all happily buzzed, the music would start and the drugs would come out. By morning, Riley would either be sporting fresh bruises from whatever fight she and Dom had or she’d be so fucked up that she wouldn’t wake up until well past noon.
“Can we stay here tonight?” Casey asked quickly, his face pained as he looked pleadingly towards Jason.
“Of course.” Jason kept his voice light, but when he glanced at Kai, it was all of his own feelings mirrored back at him. Sadness and frustration, wishing they could make things better or easier even while they were barely keeping their own heads above water.
“Let me borrow your phone?” Kai asked. Jason slid it over, and Kai pulled up Freddy’s phone number, taking the call outside. Freddy owned a small handyman shop, but every once in a while he’d have just a little too much on his plate and Jason, Kai or Liam would help him out a bit. Freddy picked up on the third ring and then quickly let him down.
“I’m sorry, man. Things have been pretty slow around here but if anything comes up I’ll let you know.”
Kai thanked him and hung up. He leaned his forearms against the railing, digging the corner of the phone into his forehead like it could mine a solution out of his brain. It was impossible.
His thoughts drifted to the napkin in his pocket. It felt like it was burning a hole there, tempting him to take it out and call Nolan just to hear the sound of his voice, to let him soothe Kai’s anxiety. He slipped his hand into his pocket feeling the soft paper between his fingers.
“Anything?” Jason asked, pushing the screen door open and joining Kai on the landing outside. Kai yanked his hand out of his pocket as though Jason had caught him jerking off. Kai shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out. I’ll reach out to some of the other guys tomorrow, yeah?”
Kai nodded. He could feel Jason’s eyes boring into the side of his head as he leaned back against the railing, watching him.
“So you like this guy?”
“He’s nice.” Kai shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t know why he kept saying that. It was such a tepid description for all of what Nolan was. Strong. Kind. Sweet. Romantic. Sexy. Caring. Gentle. Hot.
Jason chuckled. “I’m glad. Don’t listen to Liam, alright? You’re allowed to have something that’s just yours.”
Kai didn’t even know what that meant. None of them had anything that wasn’t shared. Some of his confusion must have shown. Jason shifted his position, turning to face him. “You know I appreciate everything you and Liam do to help me with the boys, but the truth is they’re not your responsibility.”
Kai felt like he’d been sucker-punched, his gut clenching against the sudden attack, his heart rate ratcheting up as a storm exploded inside him.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Jay? You guys are my fucking brothers. All of you.” Kai glared at him, jaw out, daring him to contradict him. Instead, Jason wrapped a hand around the back of his head, bringing their foreheads together.
“You’re my brother too. Being brothers means wanting everything for each other. If this is your chance to be happy, to get the fuck out of here and you don’t take it because of some misguided sense of responsibility, I’m going to beat the shit out of you. Do you hear me?”
He released Kai and went back inside without another word.
Kai didn’t even know what to say to that. Jason was right, he guessed. He wanted only good things for his brothers. If it had been any of them in his position, he would have been ecstatic for them. It just felt scary, like he was in danger of leaving them behind. That was such a stupid thought. Kai would never leave his brothers behind, but it didn’t quite do away with the anxious feeling in his belly that things could change. And that was terrifying.
11
By Tuesday, Kai was panicking. He’d reached out to almost everyone he knew and still hadn’t found any leads. The last two nights had been torture. The couch was a thousand times more uncomfortable now that he knew what it was like falling asleep with Nolan wrapped around him, feeling the weight of him, his warmth and his protection. Without him, Kai just felt… exposed. He’d been restless all night, struggling to get comfortable, to shut his mind off, thinking about how much it was going to suck to ask Liam for help if he couldn’t come up with his share of rent.
