I eyed her. Holly was a good kid. I knew she didn’t love fighting with her sister. I also knew that Zara pushed her buttons hard lately. “Thanks, Hols,” I said.
She smiled at me. It wasn’t much of one, but it was a smile. “Mum’s lucky to have you.”
I stopped at the red light and looked at her again. “It’s the other way around, kiddo.”
“Yeah, King, I know you think that, but seriously, you’re a good dad and husband.” Holly wasn’t overly affectionate and we’d never had this kind of conversation, so I knew the weight of it. And I fucking appreciated it for what it was. She watched me silently for a few moments before letting her smile grow. “I mean, you just got Zara to tone her shit down and to agree to cook Mum her favourite dinner. That’s some hardcore parenting right there.”
“Christ,” I muttered. “And I’ve still got one more girl to get through the teen years.”
Holly laughed. “I thought you wanted more babies.”
The light turned green and I focused back on the road as I said, “Yeah, but no fucking way am I having any more girls.”
“Ah, I hate to break it to you, but you don’t really get a choice.”
“Lily can research how to have a boy. We’ll make fucking sure she doesn’t have another girl.”
I caught the shake of Holly’s head as more laughter came from her. “Only you would think you can control this, King.” Herphone sounded with a text and I lost her to it for the rest of the drive to the hospital.
With Holly texting, Zara and Robbie listening to music, and Cade engrossed in a cartoon on Robbie’s iPad, I enjoyed some peace and fucking quiet for nearly ten minutes. It was the only ten minutes of peace I’d experienced since Lily went to hospital. Single parents deserved a lifetime of fucking medals for raising kids on their own as far as I was concerned.
We arrived at the hospital, parked the car, and managed to make it to Lily’s room without one argument. Zara appeared to have taken what I’d said on board and was back to being friendly Zara, something I was fucking grateful for. Lily needed space to deal with a new baby; she didn’t need to be refereeing fights between her daughters.
Meredith was asleep when we reached Lily’s room, but Lily wasn’t with her. I found her in the bathroom, sitting on the chair in there, hunched over with her head in her hands. Crying.
Taking one look at her, I exited the bathroom and called out to Holly. “Hols, can you guys take Cade and grab drinks for everyone from the café downstairs?”
Holly read me perfectly and didn’t hesitate to agree. She grabbed Cade and herded Zara and Robbie out of the room, giving me a look that let me know she’d keep everyone away as long as she could. Lily had been struggling since Meredith’s birth and Holly was aware of this.
Once we were alone, I went back into the bathroom and crouched in front of Lily. Placing my hands on her knees, I said, “Talk to me.”
She lifted her head and found my eyes as she took a long, deep breath that had more than a shudder to it. “I don’t think I can do this, King.”
“Do what?”
She stared at me through those beautiful eyes of hers. Eyes that held more doubt than I’d ever seen in her before. Lily was the strongest woman I knew, but I also knew, after going through Cade’s birth with her, that her hormones fucked her up in ways that brought her to her knees at times. I had to tread carefully here. “Meredith is fussier than any of the other kids were. She’s still refusing my boob. She cried all night, and she’s barely stopped crying this morning.” Her voice dropped low and cracked when she added, “We haven’t bonded, and I’m worried we’re not going to.”
I pulled her in close. “She’s three days old, Lil. You’ve got plenty of time to bond, and we’ve got plenty of time to figure this all out.”
She gripped my shirt as she sobbed. “I’m not going to figure it out. It feels different. Something’s wrong.” Her words came out a jagged mess in between sobs.
I smoothed my hand over her hair and let her cry for a good five minutes. I figured she needed that shit out of her, but five minutes was as much as I was willing to give her. She needed to hear what I had to say, and we were on a time limit here with the kids due back soon.
Tilting her chin up to bring her gaze back to mine, I wiped her tears as I said, “What do you mean something’s wrong? Something with Meredith?”
She shook her head. “No. With me.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m broken. Ihavehad five kids. Maybe you break on your fifth one.”
Fuck me, only my wife could say shit like that to me and cause my chest to constrict.
“Lily,” I said with more patience than anyone ever elicited from me, “you’re not broken. It’s your hormones. They’re outof whack. And day three was the worst for you after Cade, so it makes sense that today isn’t great.”
She stared at me in silence for a long few moments. Tears welled in her eyes again. “How do you remember that? I don’t even remember that.”
“The first three weeks were rough for you. After that, shit got better, but it took a good five months for you to feel like your usual self again. Cade wasn’t fussy about your boob, though, so that’s different this time. If Meredith won’t take it, she won’t take it. I don’t want you to get all worked up over that.”
