I let out a sound that is not a laugh and not a sob—something in between.
“I’m breathing.”
“No,” he says softly.“I think you’re just barely surviving.”
I press my forehead to his chest and breathe.His arms come around me in a way that almost feels like he’s saying, I got you.It’s totally fine.
“I don’t know what to do with any of this.”
“You don’t have to decide anything today.”
“I don’t even know who she was,” I whisper.“I thought I did.I thought she was this—this whirlwind aunt who made soup from scratch and hated microwaves and loved to dance when she visited.But she ...she was hiding everything.A whole life.A whole child.”
Me.
Alec doesn’t say anything, just lets me lean on him.
“I feel stupid,” I choke out.“Like I missed something obvious.Like everyone else must have known.Right?Someone must have known.”
“People keep secrets for all kinds of reasons,” he says quietly.“Sometimes to protect themselves.Sometimes to protect someone else.”
“I didn’t need protection,” I state.“Maybe they could’ve?—”
“Shoulda-coulda-woulda isn’t something to speculate.”He kisses my forehead.“We could go with the lawyer, figure out next steps.Then make decisions about how you want to deal with this.”
“I ...”I clamp my mouth because maybe that’s stupid.
“You can tell me whatever you want.”
“What if we find out where they bury Thomas?”I suggest.
He closes his eyes briefly.Then, looks at me and there’s something he doesn’t want to tell me.
“What is it?”
“Remember when Edgar ran a background check of your aunt?”he asks cautiously.
“When he showed up and knew more about me than myself?”I scrunch my nose because I didn’t like it at that time.I was so overwhelmed with everything else that I didn’t tell Eddie to go fuck himself for not minding his own business.“Yeah, I remember.”
“I called him earlier to see what he could find out?—”
“He knows?”I ask, not sure if I’m excited or upset.Everything is too ambiguous.
Alec nods.“Yeah.He told me that Thomas was a prisoner of war for a while but they found him eventually.”
“My biological father is alive?”My head is about to explode, because the letters ...he stopped responding, didn’t he?“I ...does he know about me?”
Alec shrugs.“Probably not.I don’t know if Lina ever knew that he was alive or that?—”
“Of course, it was a secret,” I cut him off, then press my head with both hands because this is too overwhelming.“I don’t understand her choices.”
“You don’t have to,” he says.“You just have to feel what you feel.”
I bark out a humorless laugh.“I don’t want to feel anything.I hate this.I hate feeling like I’m floating outside my own life.”
“You’re not floating,” he says.“You’re coming back down.Slowly.It’s supposed to feel strange.”
Our gazes meet, and all I feel is calm.It’s kind of crazy to remember that this man is supposed to be fueled by anger and the need for destruction.He’s not.He’s probably the gentlest soul I’ve ever came across.Yesterday he let me fall apart in his arms—for the second time.
