“Because I’ve seen what’s out there.”
“Alexei, I was kidnapped by one of your enemies recently, in case you forgot,” she fires back. “I’ve seen it all too. Close up and personal. And I still don’t think that Nina or Max or this baby, for that matter, will be better off locked away in here their whole lives. And I’m not willing to raise my children like that. It’s that simple.”
Her voice is full of certainty, like a woman who knows what she wants and refuses to budge from it. I close my eyes for a second, clenching my jaw. I know that she is just trying to get through to me, to get me to see things from her perspective, but she is not giving me the chance to explain myself.
“Please, Alexei, just promise me you’ll think about it,” she implores me.
“I’ve already thought about what’s best for my children,” I reply harshly. “And I’m not going to change my mind on that.”
“But why?” she pleads with me. “You’ve got to be able to see where I’m coming from, right? I mean, you must have had more freedom than this growing up, you know how to handle yourself in this world, after all...”
Something at the back of my mind darkens, as memories stir, unbidden, from where I normally keep them locked away. Hearing my father’s wailing as he realized that he had lost her, sensing the weight of it, the weight of his loss, that numb certainty that I would never see my mother again. I had sworn, in every way I could, that I would never endure such pain, that I would never let the people I cared about be exposed to the same danger that had taken her from me.
And nothing is going to change that. Nothing.
“I learned the hard way,” I growl in return. “And I’m not going to leave Max or any of the children to learn the same way.”
Her face drops. It’s not the answer she wanted, but surely, she can see that it’s the one she was always going to get. I’m never going to just take my hands off the wheel and let this world do what it wants to me, I know better than that. I’ve seen what goes down when you are not careful in this life, and I’ll be damned ifI make the people I care about pay the price because I got a little too comfortable.
“What happened, Alexei?” she asks, her voice dropping further, as though aware that she is skirting the edge of stirring up some shit she doesn’t want to know about. I deliberately miss the point, shaking my head.
“You know what happened. You and Nina were taken.”
“By a man you killed,” she points out. “This isn’t just about us. I know it’s not. So what happened to make you like this, Alexei?”
There it is, her words harsh and impossible to ignore. Suddenly, I feel exposed, as though a part of me has been splayed open in front of the world whether I want it or not.
“There are things you don’t need to know about,” I mutter in return. “Go. Rest. I’ll call the doctor to come check on you in a couple of days.”
“No, we’re not done here.”
“We are, Cara.” I put my arm around her and steer her to the door, even as she continues to protest.
“You’re not listening to me-”
“I’ve heard everything I need to. You can’t stress yourself right now. Think of the baby.”
She glares at me for a moment, and I can see it written all over her face, how angry she is, how much she wants to rebel against me in any way she can. I might not know what has made her this way, but I know I need to stand my ground.
“If something happened to any of you,” I murmur, as I gaze down at her for a second. “I would never be able to forgive myself.”
“And if nothing happened to any of us ever again,” she replies, her voice laced with sadness. “Would you like it better that way?”
But before I can answer, she has turned to head off down the corridor, clearly sensing that whatever attempts she has been making to get through to me have fallen on deaf ears..
And, in the silence that follows, I wonder if I’ve just made a mistake that I’ll not be able to walk back.
25
CARA
“Goodnight, honey,”I tell Nina, as I stoop down to kiss her on the cheek. She reaches up to hook her little arms around me, pulling me in closer.
“Goodnight, Mommy.”
I smile as I squeeze her tight. For a moment, I don’t want to let her go; I know once the baby comes along, she will not be my youngest anymore, and I’ll need to face up to the fact that I’ve another little one who needs my attention. But, for now, she’s my perfect little girl, and I would do anything to prove it to her.
But, as she snuggles down in bed and closes her eyes, my heart twists deeply in my chest. I can’t stop thinking about the conversation I had with Alexei a couple of days ago. I can’t stand the thought of the prison I’m raising my children in.
