Too late for that.
Though I’m going to have to work hard to make sure that I donotlet the little girl catch a glimpse of the man I really am, the man who lays beneath the surface. I might have been able to keep Max from it for a long time, but he’s grown up with it, and all the small details that might have come to seem normal to him would stand out like a sore thumb to someone who was new here.
And if she knew... what would she think of me? She must have wondered about her father, in the same way Max had wonderedabout his mother when he had realized she was absent from his life. It’s hard not to believe that she hasn’t noticed how far her life is from that of the people around her, and when she pictured her father, I doubt she thinks of someone like me.
A killer. Someone involved in a darkness that a girl of her age should never be exposed to.
No matter what, I have to protect her. I know I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to her, let alone under my roof. I’m still trying to make sense of what it means for me to have another child all of a sudden, but that part of me burns clear. I want her to be safe. That’s all that matters to me, and there is nothing I won’t do to ensure it stays that way.
Max rises to his feet, and I quickly warm my face with a smile as he makes his way over to me, the fire crackling across the deep red carpet to cast a warm glow into the room. We’re in my living room, an area that only he, I, and Marsha ever come into. It’s somewhere the weight of the real world will never be able to find me.
“What have you got for me?” I ask, as I take the page from him, lifting it up to get a better look at what he has been working on. The picture seems to show two stick figures holding hands, both with big smiles.
“Who’s this supposed to be?” I ask, tapping on the one with shorter hair.
“That’s me,” he replies, peering up so he can confirm for me. “And that’s Nina.”
I glance between the two figures. He’s drawn them with such care, and it’s obvious he wants this to come out perfectly. “Are you going to give this to her?”
He nods. “I want to be her friend,” he replies brightly, in that straightforward way kids do, and I can’t help but grin.
“Yeah, I think the two of you are going to be good friends,” I reply, and I straighten up, offering him my hand. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. You need your sleep. Had an exciting few days, huh?”
He nods as we head through to his bedroom, and, pushing open the door, I feel a wash of calm roll through me. If there’s anywhere in the house that is untouched by the weight of everything I’ve done, it’s his room. The dark blue walls, his toys scattered across the floor, a few clothes spilling out of the closet.
This is where he feels safest, and where I feel most at peace.
“Let’s get you changed and washed up,” I tell him, and I usher him in the direction of the bathroom as I get the bed straightened out from the mess he left it in this morning. Marsha is always telling me that she is more than capable of keeping on top of everything that needs to be done in his room, but I like to deal with it myself where I can. It makes me feel more human, a feeling that can all too easily slip through my fingers when I’m spending so much time at work.
Once he is tucked up in bed, it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep, and I sit there for a moment at his bedside, just watching him while he rests. He has no idea what’s going on. No idea the extent of the craziness that is happening just outside this door. And, eventually, I guess, he’ll have to know some part of it.
We can’t keep this under wraps forever, no matter how tempting it might be to play it just like that. He will start to piece something together, notice how alike he and his new friend are, and when that happens, I’ll have to find a way to deal with it.
But for now, all I want is for him to be able to relax. To leave the world behind for a while, and sleep, and not to think about anything that is weighing on my mind right now. I adjust the covers, and then switch on the nightlight and pull the door shut.
Normally, I would go to my own bed by now. But, instead, I find myself striding towards the entry hall, my footsteps echoing off the quiet walls around me.
I don’t know where I’m going until I find myself keying in the code to her door in the keypad at the end of the corridor. I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m going to say to her, though, at this point, I get the feeling that it might not be anything to do with speaking at all.
I’m beyond the point of trying to explain myself in words now, given the confrontation we had earlier, and I can only imagine I’m the last person she wants to see.
But how can I just lay down and sleep, knowing that she’s here? In the same house as me, for fuck’s sake, the very woman I’ve fantasized about nearly every night since I last saw her.
I move quietly along the corridor towards her room, and knock on the door before I can stop myself. For a moment, I hear no movement, but then there is a rustling inside, and the door opens.
She’s standing there in nothing but a long tee, her hair a mess, her eyes a little bleary from sleep, though that changes the moment she actually locks eyes on me, her jaw dropping.
“Alexei? What are you doing here?”
That’s the question. I stare at her for a moment, at how shocked she looks, the slight parting to her lips as she tries to make senseof this. And then, before I can stop myself, I lean down, plant my lips against hers, and kiss her.
11
CARA
When his lipsfind mine again, it takes me a second to react.
I don’t know what the fuck to make of it. I mean, yes, I’ve been thinking about him all night, ever since he ordered me to go take care of the kids and then left to clean himself up. I’ve been wondering what I’m going to do about what he said to me, how I’m going to handle the enormity of everything I’m facing, if I’m going to able to get my daughter and I out of here.
