I miss you so much, baby. The city is nice, but loud. My roomie is cool, but I wish you were the one sharing my space. I keep picturing your smile. Then I picture other stuff that makes me want to do things. I hate that I can’t reach out and touch you. Why did we think college was a good idea?
There’s more about school and her weird classmate and a funny story about a prank one of the frat bros did, but I can’t read past the first line. “I miss you so much, baby.”
I close the box, swallow the lump in my throat, and stand up. I’ve missed her more than I can describe.
I don’t know if Sloane and I will ever be what we were, or if we even should, but I do know I want her in my life, even if it’s just as a friend.
On my way out, I text her: “Hey. I was cleaning out my closet and found our 10K medal. Forgot how badass we looked. If you ever want to go for a walk, I’m around.”
It’s more than the coffee I suggested. It’s simple, it’s honest, and for the first time in two years, it feels enough.
I leave my parents’ and jog back to my apartment, lighter than I’ve felt in months.
8
Sloane
“Let’s start off with a quick check in, Sloane. Are you still okay with our sessions being conducted over video chat?”
“Absolutely. I feel comfortable with you, Dr. Chen.”
Dr. Chen gives me a smile and nod. “Great, then let’s get to it. How has your first week back in your old house been?”
“Good. Mom and Dad have made me feel welcome without overdoing it.” I laugh. One of my worries was that Mom would turn into a helicopter parent and drive me insane. “They renovated the pool house, so I have my ownspace. It’s like I’m living alone, but I know I have them close by.”
“And you feel secure with that?”
“I do. Although, I feel strong within myself. Stronger mentally than I have in months.”
Dr. Chen notes down what I say. I learned early on in our sessions not to pay attention to it. Once, I asked her what she was writing, and she was happy to show me. I’d only had one or two sessions by then and was still feeling vulnerable and a little paranoid. I’d convinced myself she was making notes on how crazy I was. Of course that wasn’t the case.
“That’s very good to hear. Have you had any moments where you’ve not felt as strong?”
Biting my lip, I think back to meeting Becca and then the run in with Eden. I know both of those situations would’ve triggered me in the past, so I’m pretty proud of myself for working through them.
“I’ve had two highly stressful events in a relatively short amount of time.”
“Okay. Do you want to tell me about them?”
I do because this is what therapy is about. Dr. Chen allows me to purge myself without feeling guilt. Even though I dealt with the situation with my best friend andex-girlfriend, I still have the odd moment of anxiety. It usually comes out of nowhere. Take, for example, this morning when I woke up. Everything felt fine until I suddenly remembered Eden’s text. My mind decided to throw me through a loop and overthink her text message. I’m still trying to decipher it, to be honest.
“Sloane, where did you just go?”
Shaking my head, I take a deep, cleansing breath. “After seeing Eden, she messaged me asking to meet for coffee. I couldn’t answer.”
“Why couldn’t you answer?”
“I think I was still in shock about seeing her.”
“Understandable. Eden has been a huge part of your guilt.”
“She still is,” I interject. “I found it extremely hard when she was being so nice to me.”
“Once again, that’s understandable. You’ve been punishing yourself for the past two years. Of course you expected and possibly wanted Eden to punish you too.”
“I know you’re right. I’m tired of having this lead weight in my chest.”
“It will ease up, I promise you,” Dr. Chen reassures. “You’ve made remarkable progress. How are you feeling on the medication? Any issues?”
