There I said it. The three words I’ve wanted to say for weeks. I just hope Sloane registers just how much I mean them.
26
Sloane
I’ve not been myself lately. Not at all. I thought I was getting over…whatever the hell is going on with me. My workload is less. Cheer practice has eased up thanks to Becca and Daniella. I no longer babysit except for the odd weekend here and there. Damn, I was even chilling out about college until Eden’s birthday.
Then I felt like I was spiraling again. It’s ridiculous, I’m used to pressure and overcoming obstacles. It’s how I made it to cheer captain, for God’s sake, yet the second Kiera opened her mouth and started yammering about the statistics I was wrecked. I nearly ruined Eden’s birthday night, even if we did have great sex. She knew there wassomething wrong, but for the life of me I just couldn’t verbalize it.
After that, things got worse. I clammed up—not just with Eden, but everyone. Except Kiera, which looking back pisses me off. I genuinely think I’m having a breakdown. For some reason I’ve been pushing people away, while my mind conjures all sorts of dark thoughts. Losing my friends. LosingEden!
The only reason I spoke with Kiera is because she’s not really my friend, I guess. It sounds wrong, huh? But my brain sees the logic. I’m not afraid of losing her. She distracted me with the 5k charity run organization, and that’s what I needed. Just a break from the constant worry and heartache I felt every time I looked at my beautiful girlfriend or my goofy friends laughing.
Fuck, Eden deserves so much better than what I’m giving her. She’s so thoughtful and patient, and I’m fucking it up. Maybe she’s right and I am burning out, or at least suffering from delayed consequences of years of trying to attain perfection. It’s all self-inflicted. Mom and Dad have never put that onus on me. I wanted to be the best at everything, and for the majority of high school I achieved that…until now. Senior year is great, so many wonderful things have happened, but it’s also kicked my ass. I’m tired.
We’ve still got another semester until summer. I can’t wait to do nothing, hopefully with Eden. Though, in the back of my mind, I know I’m going to struggle to fully relax. College is a massive change, and if I’m panicking now, imagine what I’m going to be like a few weeks before we all leave!
This is the stream of thoughts on a constant loop around my head. The reason I’ve been such a shitty girlfriend. Too wrapped up, once again, in my own anxiety to be there for Eden. I’m not the only one worrying about all this crap.
I hate that my actions have hurt her. I hate that she’s comforting me right now, telling me she loves me for the first time, after the way I’ve behaved. In two weeks I turn eighteen, a legal adult, and yet I’m nowhere near acting like one. Is it possible to regress?
“Sloane?”
Fuck, I’m in my head again. “Sorry…God, I’m just sorry, Eden. I’ll do better. I love you too.” She has to know that, right? This isn’t the most romantic way of telling her, but we’re putting it all on the table. I can’t have her thinking this is one-sided.
She sighs. “Baby, I don’t want you feeling bad. I hate that I can’t do anything to make you feel better.”
Slotting my knees over her hips, I straddle her and wrap myself around her upper body. “Eden, you make everything so much better. I’m just so scared about what comes next. I don’t know why, though. I’ve looked forward to college since the beginning of high school, but now it seems so big. Like everything will change and it’ll be too much.”
“Have you spoken to your mum and dad? Told them how you feel?”
I shake my head.
“Maybe start there. Or make an appointment with the school counselor.”
A part of me feels like I’d be failing by admitting how hard I’m finding things right now. If I don’t, though, I’m going to lose one of the most important people in my life. Eden is amazing, but she’s not a doormat. I know there’s only so much she’ll put up with. Only so much sheshouldput up with.
“Okay, I’ll talk to Mom and Dad. I don’t want to keep doing this to myself, or you, babe.”
We stay snuggled together for a few minutes. Her heartbeat is steady and helps calm me down.
“So…you got into Harvard, huh?”
Another weight of guilt settles. I shouldn’t have gone out with Kiera this evening. Not when I really wanted to behere with Eden, and especially not when Kiera told Eden my news. I’m not blind. I know she did it to be spiteful, something I thought she’d moved past.
This evening will be the last time I hang out with her on a one-to-one basis. I don’t want drama, so I’m not going to call her out on what are obviously manipulative behaviors, but I’m also not going to put myself in a position where she thinks she means more to me than Eden. I’ve learned my lesson.
“Yeah, I did.”
Eden chuckles into my neck. “And are we happy about it?”
I smile to myself. “Yeah, we are.”
Eden’s body shakes as she laughs silently. I’m being silly, I know. It’s a massive achievement and I should be bouncing off the walls, and I will, just…after a little more time in my safe space.
“Okay, then we need to celebrate.”
Pulling back, I look down into her eyes. “It’s a little late to go out for milkshakes, babe.”
