“That was even true with Mindy Mace, the one girl I actually did love.”
Thinking of Mindy made him a little sad for how much time he’d wasted living a lie.
“Hey, are you okay?” Luke asked, planting a gentle kiss on his exposed bicep.
Mikey gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile, but he was pretty sure it just came across as pained.
“I guess I am, yeah. I mean, the pain is old. And besides, the guys all ended up being pretty okay with the fact I was pan. When I finally told them, they all did the thing where they were like, ‘Oh, we knew all along and were just waiting for you to tell us.’” He barked a little laugh. “I guess some of them probablydidknow I was queer, but they didn’t ever really want to talk about it. Which, I guess it was nice of them not to try to force the issue.”
Mikey paused, to see how Luke was going to take this, whether he might be treading too close to his own heartache and his own deeply traumatic experience with being outed. To his surprise, though, Luke didn’t look anything other than interested, his eyes holding Mikey rapt.
“How did everyone else respond when you finally came out?”
Mikey sighed.
“For the most part really well. My parents…well, they’re the same as they’ve always been. They just don’t talk about things they don’t want to, and since that means basically anything in my life, we just sort of go along as we always have.
“Other people in my life have been better. Mindy Mace–I’m sure you’ve seen her, even if you’ve never met her–well, she’s my best friend, and she told me as soon as I came out she was always going to love me and be there for me. I swear she’s a gem. I’d be lost without her.”
“And how are things with the guys now?” Luke asked, brushing right past Mindy.
This was the part of the story Mikey hadn’t talked about much, and he shied away from it.
No, we’re going to be honest with Luke,he thought.He won’t judge or be dismissive.
“Like I said, they all said they loved me and supported me. Still, things haven’t been quite the same with them as it was before I came out. I can’t help but think they look at me differently.”
Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, and he looked away, blinking rapidly.
“It’s okay, babe, I’ve got you,” Luke said, using his big arms to pull Mikey closer. That little gesture of kindness, so simple and yet so profound, was all it took to make Mikey start sobbing into his shoulder.
Ugh, I can’t believe this,he thought.Here I am making everything all about me, when Luke’s coming out was so much more traumatic. What do I have to complain about, really?
He finally got some of his composure back and tried to say this to Luke, but he just put a finger softly to his lips.
“No, you’re not going to do that,” he said. “You’re not going to minimize your own situation. It’s hard losing your brothers. Mine…they’re okay with who I am, though some of my sisters-in-law can be a bit of a pain about the gay thing. And my parents, well, they’re mostly okay, now. There’s no worse feeling than knowing, or at least feeling, like someone doesn’t love you for who you are. I’m just glad they responded better than Aunt Patty.”
Mikey wasn’t sure what he’d done to make someone like Luke start falling back in love with him, and he didn’t know what he’d have to do to keep whatever was taking shape between them from falling apart again but, cuddled up on the couch, he made the vow to make sure nothing came between them again.
He once again almost said the three words that would change literally everything about the bond between them, but something kept him from doing it. It was becoming clear Luke also felt something, but Mikey couldn’t shake the fear if he actually put something into words, if he dared to nail down just what it was the two of them were doing and how they were feeling about each other, the whole thing would go up in smoke.
“Um,” Luke said, breaking into his thoughts, “I hope this doesn't come across as too sappy or anything, but I’m really enjoying having you here. I…I didn’t know whether I would or not, but even I have to admit there’s something special to you, Mikey Smiles.”
Mikey’s heart was starting to beat faster again, but he didn’t want to rush this.
“You mean you didn’t lure me up here just for sloppy BJs and musical collaboration?”
He regretted the sarcastic comment as soon as it was out of his mouth. =
“Well, one thing hasn’t changed about you, at least,” Luke said. “You’re still a huge smartass. But, since you mentioned it, that’s pretty much what I mean. Ididn’tinvite you up here just for those things. I…I was kind of hoping we could reconnect, but I didn’t know it would be… like this.” He gestured at theair between them. “I don’t know about you, Mikey, but I feel something. We work together, you know? Not just musically but emotionally.”
Now it was Mikey’s chance to blurt out his true feelings, tell Luke Carter how he felt about him. But, he didn’t, because all the old instincts–to run away from commitments, to not get too involved, to not get his heart broken–reared up, drowning out all of the desires that had raged through him just a short time ago.
Now it was just getting uncomfortable, and the more Mikey thought about this the more anxious he became.
Luke, though, was intuitive, and he sensed something was wrong.
“Hey, don’t get all hung up on what this is,” he said softly. “But I do just have one question. How…how did you do it, with Mindy? How did you stay friends afterward?”
