He makes a decision, then. If he’s going to move on with his life, if he’s going to leave all of this behind, he’s going to have to put Luke behind him too. He buries all of those feelings and memories–both the good and the bad–deep down where he can’t feel them anymore.
Fuck,he thinks.Is it worth it?
But it’s too late. He has to do it if he’s going to move forward.
He sighs again, and it feels, briefly, like a weight has lifted from his chest.
In the back of his mind, though, Mikey knows he’ll never really get over Luke, and he’ll never forgive himself for what he did today.
He slowly slips back into sleep.
When he wakes up the next morning he’s a bit refreshed, ready to face the day.
Goodbye, Luke Carter,he thinks.And good luck.
CHAPTER 18
MIKEY—2015
Once Luke had escaped and locked himself in whatever room he was going to be in for who knew how long, Mikey decided he was going to have to amuse himself for the time being. He still had absolutely no idea what was going on with Luke, and he had even less no idea what was going to happen with them during the coming week. At first, he’d thought the two of them were actually getting along and he might be making some headway, but then he’d said that stupid thing about Luke Carter liking trouble, and everything had gone to shit.
This is why your mother always told you to be careful what you say,he thought, then mentally kicked himself for thinking about her at a time like this.
It was getting pretty late in the afternoon and, since Luke showed no signs of coming out of his room–maybe he’d just stay there for the rest of the time they were supposed to be together–Mikey decided to just go to the guest bedroom. Once there, though, he was more tired than he thought. Apparently fucking things up with the guy you were trying to get with, the same guy whose heart you’d broken a decade earlier, was very exhausting.
I’m really getting soft,he thought, as he lay down on the bed and put his head on the pillow.
When he woke up, it was clearly several hours later, at least judging from the fact the sun had gone down and the room was completely cast in shadow.
Damn,he thought.How long was I out?
The entire house was quiet, so quiet Mikey got the feeling Luke might have abandoned him altogether. Of course, he didn’tthinkLuke would do something like that, but people could change a lot in a decade.
He got slowly out of bed, his curiosity getting the better of him. He had no idea what he was going to do, but as he turned on the lamp and started groping his way toward the door he suddenly knew he was going to find Luke wherever he was and ask him just what the hell was going on. What game was he playing, anyway, acting like this? It was pretty inconsiderate to just leave Mikey hanging, with no indication of what he was supposed to do.
Mikey made his way through the house until he came to Luke’s bedroom and, for a split second, he thought aboutnotopening it. This was clearly Luke’s way of telling him he wasn’t interested, but something pulled his hand toward the doorknob anyway.
He turned it, stuck his head in, and saw Luke sprawled out on his bed. He was sound asleep, of course, and his vulnerability made him ache. Mikey’s annoyance and frustration dissipated, and he remembered why he was here in the first place, to try to rebuild something with the man he loved.
What is wrong with me?He thought.
The more he looked at Luke, though, the more he found his mind wandering to the past, to those rare moments when Luke would let his walls down and let Mikey see the sensitive soulbeneath. Could he somehow convince Luke to show that part of himself again?
I really am hopelessly naive,he thought.
He stood for another few minutes, just drinking in the sight of Luke, and then he slowly made his way back to the guest bedroom. Despite uncertainty about the week to come, he couldn’t help thinking about what a future with Luke might look like, the two of them forging a creative and romantic partnership.
Of course, he was aware of the danger. Music history was filled with examples of people who’d tried to put their personal and professional lives together, and for a time it might work, but in the end it almost inevitably ended up being a disaster. Did he really want to run the risk it might happen with them, too?
Yes,he thought at once.I messed up once, but I don’t have to do it again.
It was a cute thought, and it filled him with the very particular kind of warmth he’d only known a few times in his life. As he got back into bed, however, he couldn’t sleep, because he kept thinking:Are you sure you’re ready?
Mikey tossed and turned, and once he even about going back to Luke’s room, waking him up, and asking him straight out whether he was imagining everything, but he quickly dismissed the idea. He could just picture the look on the other man’s face if Mikey showed up in his room in the middle of the night without warning.
Finally, after what seemed an eternity, he managed to get at least a little bit of sleep. Even as he dozed off, though, he still found himself thinking about Luke’s eyes, the way they held him, the way they contained so much sadness and yet, deep inside, some joy too.
He fell asleep.
