But she suspected his momentary compliance had its limits. As did her sudden bravery. Once they reached her bed, she’d need him to take control again.
Her knowledge also had its limits.
She knew the gist of what carnal actions occurred between lovers. Her cousins were both fonts of information in that regard. Each in their own way, of course. But she had never cared to know about the act in greater detail. She’d always felt that such knowledge would come in its own time.
No doubt Waring knew quite a bit about such things. His charm, his travels, his wealth, and handsomeness…had all likely contributed to a lifetime of experiences.
That realization sobered her.
Pausing at the foot of her grand bed set nearly in the middle of her candlelit bedroom, Eleanor stopped. Her heart raced and her belly twisted. All of a sudden, she couldn’t seem to bring herself to face the viscount.
After throwing herself into his arms, practically begging for a kiss, then leading him to her bedroom, she’d completely lost whatever daring she’d claimed in those brief moments.
Did she think herself a poised and sophisticated lady? A woman of experience and knowledge?
She was neither. And she’d never felt so out of her depth as she did just then.
But she wanted him. So badly. This experience was for her alone. It had nothing to do with her place in the world or her family or the ducal legacy or cursed necklaces.
She wanted this forherself. But she had no idea how to move forward.
*
Phin felt hersudden withdrawal. It wasn’t a physical thing. She didn’t try to pull her hand from his or attempt to put distance between them.
It was far more subtle than that. But no less real and poignant.
Releasing her hand, he stood quiet and unmoving.
His entire body had burst into a fury of elation when she’d taken his hand to lead him to her bed. Lust and yearning and the darkest anticipation had flowed through him in an endless cycle, feeding each other. But he’d quiet it all and walk away if that was what she wanted.
Even after appearing so certain just a moment ago, he understood the complexities of what she was deciding.
It was never simple for a woman.
Most things rarely were.
If he were more of a gentleman, he’d have stepped away from her, given her space, perhaps even left the room entirely.
Phin wasn’t that noble.
He’d never been one to shy away from something he wanted. And he wasn’t afraid of putting in the proper effort to acquire what he desired. Whether it be a skill, some challenging outcome, or a woman.
But with Eleanor…it felt different.
His prior lovers had been women of experience, in possession of freedoms and independence that were not possible for the daughter of a duke. What they wanted of each other had consequences. He didn’t want to assure her with a flashing grin or witty compliments. He didn’t want his practiced charm or seductive kisses to win her over.
He wanted full honesty. Or nothing.
“Eleanor.” The soft murmur of her name brought her shouldersup with subtle tension. But she did not turn around.
Phin cleared his throat and tried to form the necessary words. “I am not meant for marriage.”
She made a soft sound that might have been a gentle snort or a quickly smothered laugh. Though she turned her head slightly to the side, she kept her back to him.
“I like to travel,” he explained. “No. Icravetravel. And adventure. I’m rarely in England for long and am often gone for months or years at a time. That’s not the type of husband or father anyone deserves and I’m content to allow my title and inheritance to settle along another family line.” He paused, his throat oddly tight. He’d never tried to explain himself to anyone before. It felt awkward. Discomforting and vulnerable. “I would not wish to mislead you or hurt you in any way. I respect you and admire you and…” his voice roughened with gravel, “I want you right now more than I’ve ever wanted anything. But I know you have much more to risk in this moment than I do. And I’ll leave you now if that is your wish.”
“It’s not,” she replied quickly before tensing her jaw and pressing her lips together.
