“Sorry I … went away.” I can’t look at him. At either of them. They’re so brave, and I fell down into Gray Mindafterthe goddess healed us.
“We tried to help. To talk to you, so you’d know you weren’t alone,” Kaelen says, pained frustration beneath his even tone.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, not knowing what else to say. Nobody but Trick ever cared when or even whether I came back, except in a general “who will scrub the floors if she doesn’t snap out of it” way.
But I’m not back. Not fully. When I come out of a bout of Gray Mind, it’s not a giant leap from one state of being to the next. Instead, it’s a slow, plodding climb, step by tiring step, back into the light. Not the light of day, although seeing the sun is better than waking up to more rain. No, seeing the light break through the clouds of gray in my mind.
Cut through the fog.
Bring me a tiny sliver of hope that maybe the next time won’t be so bad … or that there won’t be a next time.
There’salwaysa next time.
But the only way to reach the other side is to make it through the horrible parts in the middle, as I once read in an ancient scroll. Well, it was more “goeth through that which plagueth you” language, but that’s what it meant.
The only way out is through. One goddess-bedamned step after another.
Pity thatthroughis the hardest part.
“You’ll have to tell me what we need to do,” I say quietly. “It … it usually takes me a while to be fully functional again.”
His dark-purple eyes search my face, and I wonder how bad I look. My skin feels too tight, so I know I’m dehydrated. I’ve eaten nothing in days.
Noneof us look fresh, to be fair. Bern’s plain garb is a wrinkled mess of dirt and bloodstains. Kaelen’s shirt and pants are the same. I look down at myself and realize my boots are off.
“I thought you’d be more comfortable without them,” Kaelen says. “I dried your socks by the fire, too, before I put them back on your feet.”
I’m still too numb to feel humiliation sear through me like it would any other time, so I guess that’s something to be thankful for.
“Is there food?” I croak out the words.
“All the fish you can eat,” Bern crows. “And apples, too!”
“The fish in the river near the bank practically jumped into our hands,” Kaelen says wryly. “Not sure if the goddess had anything to do with that or not, but we’ve kept your fire going and eaten our fill of roasted fish.”
After I eat as much as I can fit into my shrunken stomach, drinking cup after cup of water, we put out the fire and prepare to head out.
I’m not nothing, I remind myself fiercely, not realizing I said it out loud until they look at me.
“No, you’re definitely not,” Bern says hotly.
“Thanks to Sergeant Neville, I made a fire, and I kept both of you as warm as I could, even during the hours-long rainstorm on that first day.” I’m not asking for praise; it’s more that I’m reminding myself just how capable I really am. “Then I madeanotherfire. I bandaged our injuries and stayed awake, watching for danger. I’mnotnothing, even if I am a nobody, and I never will be nothing again.”
The respect I see in Kaelen’s eyes pulls me another step up from the Gray, but I realize I must sound like I’ m boasting. “I know it’s not much. And then I fell … asleep. I didn’t mean to. I was just so tired, Kaelen. Some hero I am, right?”
I try to smile. “Captain Wavedancer would be ashamed of me.”
He crosses the short distance between us and touches my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You were amazing. Few people could have kept it together like you did, especially after what we’d been through. Wounded yourself, and with two injured companions to deal with.”
“Anyonecould have—”
“No. Believe me. Anyone couldnot. And I know those books. I read them to Karrina. You, Solitude Grace, would kick Wynona Wavedancer’sass.”
Bern starts clapping. “Definitely!” Then he looks back and forth between us, grinning, before walking out of the clearing.
Kaelen bends toward me. I’m still in shock over what he said about Wynona Wavedancer, but I snap out of it and cover my mouth with my hand in case he tries to kiss me. “Kaelen! I havehorriblebreath.”
He presses his lips to my neck, instead, and inhales deeply. Then he kisses the curve where my neck meets my shoulder, and there’s a tiny sting that makes me jump.
