I hunch over farther to escape the pounding rain. Then I close my eyes and shake my head. I’m not in the library. I will not letlightningkill us after everything we’ve been through.
I close my eyes and grit out the mantra that has carried me through so much and hope it will come through for me this time, too.
“Storms pass.
“Pain ends.
“I will never quit.”
I look at Kaelen’s pale, pale face.
“Wewill never quit, prince. Remember that,” I whisper, hoping that someday, somehow, I’ll be as brave as Captain Wavedancer in truth.
Every muscle in my body aches from tension by the time the thunder and lightning move past us, but it’s not like that brings any respite, because now the rain settles down for a nice, long stay pretty much directly over our heads. I can’t remember when I’ve ever been colder than this, except maybe at night in winter, sometimes. At least then I had a blanket on my pallet and Iwasn’t soaking wet.
Wet makes it worse.
So much worse.
My teeth chatter so hard I’m afraid they’ll crumble into dust, so I clench my jaw shut, which gives me a pounding headache to go with the pounding rain. Did I have complaints about scrubbing bookcases? Because on second thought, it wasn’t so bad, and in fact scrubbingbookcases waswonderful, and dry and warm, and there was food, if not a lot and not frequently, at least the promise of food I didn’t have to catch and clean and cook all by myself in a ravens-begotten rainstorm in the woods.
I keep smoothing the men’s hair back, trying to keep the worst of the water off their faces, but my back aches like someone beat me with a hammer—one of the few beatings I’ve never had, but it’s early days on this journey, right? If that draugr had been carrying a hammer …
No.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, I tell myself, teeth gritted, muscles aching, mind swirling with hopelessness.
It rains and rains and rains.
When I’m so cold I even stop shivering, I realize dully that this is a very bad sign. I close my eyes and fight tears, fight despair, fight the seductive promise of the gray fog hovering in the corners of my mind. It’s nothing like the rosy-colored haze that threatened to overcome me in the cave. This fog is insidious, heavier than the rain pelting down on me. Heavier than my heart.
You can’t handle this, Soli.
You were never meant for anything like this.
You’re nothing, Soli Graymind.
They can’t expect you to carry this off.
You’ll never succeed.
You’re a nobody.
I focus every ounce of my will on fighting against the Gray.
But it’s vicious and relentless, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I succumb.
At least I tried.
Sometimes,no matter how hard you fight, the forces of evil gain the upper hand. And then all you can do is endure. Endure and never, ever quit.
—Captain Wynona Wavedancer, writing in her logbook inCaptain Wynona Wavedancer and the Sea of Serenity
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“No!” I scream at the driving rain, the vicious hunger, the miserable cold, and the invasive thoughts. “No! You can’t have me. It’s just rain, and rain always stops.”
It always stops.
