Aside from those thoughts weighing down on me, I was also acutely aware that this was going be Van’s first official instance of being my security guard at a live event. My attraction, thankfully, had taken a back seat to the anxiety I felt over his start to the job he’d been hired for. I was too nervous to think about how close we’d be during the event.
I was excited to unveil the video and to formally announce tour, but my mind was wrapped in a cocoon of wondering where the fuck my mother had gone. A part of me was scared that she was coming to me, to continue her previous plague upon my life.
Shaking myself, I sat down at the piano. I wouldn’t let her win by letting her control my emotions like this. I’d bought this piano for this exact reason. So that when I was feeling inspired, or in this case overwhelmed, I could use my emotions as my muse for future music. The best way for me to deal with things happening in my life was to write and sing about it, so I started strumming some chords on the piano until I had a consistent melody that seemed to fit my mood, and I started singing out loud, bearing my soul with whatever lyrics happened to come barreling out.
I got a call from Kit, you're no longer in town
Don't know where you are, just that you're not around
Now I have a choice, I can come back home
But my star's on the rise, home's not where I belong
Did you leave because of me or
Did you leave because of you
Did you finally let me breathe or
Did you finally need more room
Whatever the case may be
I’ll take the gift you gave me
I’m free
To go where I’m meant to be
I’m free
To go back to Phoebe
I’m free
To go wherever I please
I’m free
To go back to Phoebe
Before I had a proper chance to assess the lyrics that my soul had decided to churn out, I heard the sound of soft clapping. Alert raised the hair on my arms as I turned toward the front door, which shared an open archway with the dining room that I’d converted into my piano room.
Van was leaning against the archway, giving me the soft applause and giving me the cutest smirk he had. Okay, so maybe I still did have access to that instant attraction, but I buried it. I was too self-conscious about the fact that he’d heard me singing and riffing through my feelings to let the spurned excitement come alive.
“Van,” I said, lifting from the piano and smoothing my hands over the silver sequined pants I’d managed to squeeze into. I was glad to keep the aesthetic of theDiamondsera alive, but it was not easy to get in and out of the type of outfits that matched the energy of what my latest album exuded. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Too busy belting.” Van snickered, straightening his stance but keeping the smile on his face. “I knocked, but the door was unlocked. I apologize.”
“No need.”
I laughed it off like it wasn’t embarrassing to have him hear me like that. He’d just heard the recording of me on the music video, all mastered and produced to high heaven. No one heard my raw voice unless I was performing live on stage, not in the comfort of my own home.
Van shook his head. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. You sounded wonderful.” He assured me, but as he walked closer to me, I could see a glimmer of sorrow frost his face. “The lyrics were a little…somber.”
“Yeah, my mind’s doing overtime lately.” A new sigh replaced the one that had accompanied me into the room before I’d started playing. “I was just trying to shed as much of it as I could before the event.”
“Feel any better?”
