Camila chuckles. “No, I’m not, that would be very silly of me.” She gives Valeria’s hand a reassuring squeeze and lets go before she can focus too much on the tingling feeling moving along her fingers.
Valeria shakes her head, almost defeated. “You are easily the most understanding person I’ve ever met. Anyone else would probably be pretty mad at me right now.”
“Maybe,” Camila admits. “I can pretend if you want me to.”
Valeria lets out a weak laugh, then sighs. “No. I am sorry, though.”
“Stop it, you don’t need to keep apologizing,” Camila says sweetly.
“It feels like I do. I’m so used to fighting for forgiveness with Brooke that I don’t know how to accept it without a little back and forth,” Valeria says with such defeat, Camila can’t help but study her face—the exhaustion there is so clear. Camila wants to fix the mess Brooke has caused somehow, but she knows she can’t; that’s something Valeria needs to figure out for herself. Over-apologizing, the way Valeria is, is her trauma trying to keep her safe.
“Well, that will never be the case with me,” Camila says, trying to untangle even a single strand of what Brooke has ingrained so deeply into Valeria.
“Are you and Brooke okay now?” Camila asks, already knowing the answer. Valeria’s slightly swollen lips gave her away the second she walked through the door.
“I hope so,” Valeria admits. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Camila doesn’t have to know Valeria super well to see that the hope is fragile. She wants to dig deeper, but she doesn’t know how to ask or where to start, so she asks directly.
“Is this on-and-off a common thing between you and Brooke?”
Valeria watches her, the corner of her eyes filling with tears. “Lately, yeah, but we talked, and I think we’re good now. It’s tough to trust it, though. The first few days after we get back together are always the easiest, and just as I let myself believe the worst is behind us, something happens, and we’re right back where we always are. Arguing on aloop.” Valeria looks up, her eyes meeting Camila’s. “You probably think I’m so naive for sticking through this. The girls sure do.”
Something in Camila’s gut twists at her words, a deep, familiar ache. She exhales slowly and shakes her head. “Not at all. I’ve been exactly where you are.”
“You have?” Valeria asks, eyes wide.
“Oh, yeah. I had a four-year on-and-off relationship with a woman named Eileen. We were as toxic as toxic can be. Broke up more times than I care to remember, but always found our way back to destroy each other. Not that I’m saying that’s what’s going on with you and your girlfriend,” Camila adds quickly, worried Valeria will take it the wrong way. “I’m just saying that I get that sometimes you want something so badly you’ll give it everything you can, regardless of how much it costs you. People don’t always understand that walking away doesn’t feel like an option when a part of you is still hoping the good moments will come back ... that this time things will finally work out the way you desperately want them to.”
Valeria’s eyes soften as she nods. “Brooke’s not all bad, you know. But the girls only notice the pain she causes. They don’t see that the pain exists because shedoeshave those great moments, moments that if we could hold on to, would make all the pain worth it.”
“I know,” Camila says quietly.
Hearing Valeria say that triggers something in her brain, and all the excuses she used to make for Eileen rush back—how she tried to make her look better in front of her friends, how she hid things from the people who cared about her to keep Eileen’s reputation from getting any worse, how she dealt with all that hurt by herself. She remembers howexhausting that was, how easy it was to convince herself it wasn’t as bad as it felt.
For a second, she thinks about telling Valeria everything—warning her about how messy it can get, how fast things can go downhill, but honestly? She already knows. She doesn’t need another warning or a speech. She just needs someone to be there for her. Not that Camila thinks the girls aren’t—they don’t strike her as the type to let their friend suffer alone—but sometimes it’s hard for people who haven’t gone through something similar to understand. To empathize with how gut-wrenching it is to think of letting go, even when the person is so clearly wrong for you.
Valeria looks up and catches Camila’s eyes, offering a faint, tired smile. “Thank you,” she says.
Camila nods, returning the smile. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Camila is grateful she gets it now—that what Valeria needs isn’t someone swooping in to fix everything with care packages and a five-step plan for dealing with pain. She simply needs a friend who won’t leave her alone in it.
And as much as she hates that Valeria only came over because she felt she needed to apologize, Camila is thankful that she felt safe enough to open up. When she was going through it with Eileen, she shut everyone out until there was no one.
Camila knows this kind of pain, the way it owns you. She still struggles with it, even years after their breakup. Even now, every once in a while, her phone lights up with a message from Eileen, and no matter how much she’s grown and healed, sometimes it still feels impossible to ignore.
CHAPTER EIGHT
GROUP CHAT
Lily 8:30 a.m.:
Hey, with all that happened last night, I wasn’t able to bring up the idea of a little weekend getaway for my birthday. I know it’s not for another eight months, but I want to start planning and make sure we can all get the time off. I’m thinking we could go camping. WDYT?
Alejandra 8:33 a.m.:
For you? ANYTHING. Clara and I are there!
Valeria 8:33 a.m.:
