Shaking my head, I reached for her, taking her hand and squeezing it. “You didn’t assume. I didn’t know. I had given no thought to where my interests lay because no one ever gave me the chance to explore that part of myself before.”
“I guess that makes sense,” she agreed. To her credit, she rallied pretty quickly, accepting the information without any argument. She drew in a deep breath, then turned the conversation to what was important. “So are you falling for him then? Because I’ll be honest, it’d make my decision a lot easier if you were planning on staying here, too.”
The tangle of emotions in my chest tightened uncomfortably. I’d been both hopeful and afraid of her telling me she wished to stay. “I… I don’t know. I’m honestly really conflicted right now, and I’m having trouble sorting out my emotions.”
Her laughter surprised me, and when I frowned at her, she was almost gleeful when she explained, “Sorry! You’ve just always been my sounding board. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten the chance to be the same for you before. I’m glad. I want to help if I can. So tell me what’s going on. What’s got you conflicted? I’m sure together we can figure it out.”
That hope that had lit while talking to Dras burned a little brighter. If I wasn’t careful, I’d let that hope sway my judgment, and I couldn’t do that. I needed to figure out if it was even possible for me to stay first. Then, once I did, I could figure out how to make it all work. One thing at a time.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
GARRUN
My clan brothers seemed to be aware of my foul mood. Those that patrolled with me stayed silent, and those who didn’t avoided me with a wide berth. For once I didn’t mind the distance. I didn’t wish to speak. I wished only to return to Henry and ensure he didn’t think the worst and ask to leave. I’d finally had the chance to be happy. I didn't want to lose that.
“You are going to overwhelm him by acting like that.”
I’d left Henry with Dras, so I hadn’t expected him to approach me while I was patrolling. I whipped my head toward the direction of my tent, wondering if Henry had gone back there like I asked, but Dras shook his head before I could leave my post to go check. “He’s visiting with his sister. It’s cruel to ask him to avoid her. She’s his family.”
I winced internally. It hadn’t been my intention to keep the siblings apart. I’d only wished for Henry to stay with me because his sister was uncomfortable around me. I didn’t like being near her if I could avoid it. She looked at me like I was some kind of monster. And I couldn’t avoid her if Henry was with her.
“Why are you keeping them apart, Garrun?” Dras asked. “You’ve always treated Henry well. What’s going on?”
My face twisted as I fought the emotions warring in my chest. I didn’t want to say the words out loud so I tried to avoid the conversation, turning away from him to look out toward the forest. “I am on duty. I cannot stop and chat.”
Not easily deterred, Dras fell into step beside me as I marched away, that patient and knowing look he always had on his face pointed at me as he raised an eyebrow at me. “You won’t avoid me that easily. Talk to me, brother. I wish to help.”
“Why?” I snapped. “What does it matter to you?”
It was cruel and unfair of me to say, but I was feeling exposed after the interaction between Henry and Ghil. I didn’t want one more person who might try to chase Henry away from me.
Unlike my other brothers, Dras was not easily riled. He didn’t take offense to my lashing out. He walked beside me, his body relaxed and his tone even as he spoke. “It matters because I have seen you suffering. I know what it means to you that you found your musician. He can make you smile where none of us ever could. I don’t want you accidentally chasing him away because of something that he doesn’t understand.”
It shouldn’t have surprised me that my clan brothers knew just how important Henry was to me. Dras especially was more observant than the rest of us. I swallowed hard, watching the way the sand shifted around my feet as I walked, and forced myself to speak. “I am afraid if Henry finds out how the clan sees me, he will leave. He is the only one who has never been afraid of me. I don’t want them to chase him away. And his sister… She looks at me like the other townsfolk do, like the tributes did before we moved here. She sees a monster trying to win her brother’s heart. She could sway his judgement. I don’t wish to separate them but…”
“But you’re afraid of what she might say if you aren’t there,” Dras finished when I didn’t continue. He nodded slowly. “I understand this fear. Townsfolk don’t treat you well. But your clan brothers know you. You are not feared among us.”
“No, but they make comments that could sway Henry’s judgment. They should keep their mouths shut. It’s not any of their business,” I snapped.
That time, he laughed, giving me a look that said I’d just said something foolish. I scowled at him, but he didn’t let the expression bother him.
“We’re your clan, Garrun. Who claims your heart is our business because they will become clan as well. What was said that’s got you so upset?”
I grumbled out an explanation of the interaction with Ghil, eyes tracking the different clan brothers who passed us for any hints of trouble. Most clans had gathered in this place while we waited for the townsfolk to settle and learn the language of our new home but not all clans interacted well with one another. There was animosity between a few. None of ours had troubles as far as I was aware, but I still kept an eye out to be certain.
“So you are worried if Henry finds out he brings you joy after years of unhappiness, he will no longer wish to spend time with you?”
My footsteps faltered and I frowned at him. “I… hadn’t thought of it that way.”
He nodded, giving me a bland look. “I know. You are not thinking at all right now. You are emotional and too aggressive. Talk to Henry. Tell him of your concerns. He’s spent time with you. He knows you. If you truly wish to claim him, you should trust him with your heart. A good bondmate would treat it gently, no matter the circumstances.”
Dras’s words filtered through my mind as I returned to my tent. He was right. I needed to speak to Henry, to be honest with him not only about my intentions but about my past as well. Ghil’s comment wouldn’t be the last. I needed to inform Henry before more comments were made so he wouldn’t be taken off guard. Perhaps, if it came from me, it wouldn’t cause him to run away.
The sun was just barely rising, and I was fatigued enough that I forgot that I’d asked Henry to rest in my tent the night prior. I’d planned on bathing at the river before going to his tent to bring him to our spot like usual, only to stumble to a halt just inside the opening of my tent. Henry was curled in the furs, his sweet face relaxed as he breathed deep and even. Ekkar, who had disappeared during my conversation with Dras, had tucked his large body behind Henry’s knees. He gave me a lazy look when I entered before closing his eyes again, obviously preferring to sleep over interacting with me.
There was a spot just big enough for me on the pallet of blankets near Henry’s back. I wanted so much to slip into that space and just hold him for a while, but I wasn’t sure I was welcome. Dras had pointed out how rude I’d been to Henry the night prior. Forcing him to stay here in my tent probably didn’t help.
Like he could feel my presence, Henry’s sleepy voice spoke, a tinge of amusement in his tone. “People don’t realize that staring feels heavy even when you can’t see it. Are you coming to bed, or do you need me to go back to my tent?”
