Slipping off the rock to my knees in front of him, I let my hands drift down his neck and over his broad shoulders. My heart rate picked up, and I felt my stomach flip, but I assumed it was just a normal response to touching someone new for the first time. More scars on his shoulders and his arm felt a little wider and deeper than the ones on his face. I couldn’t make myself touch his chest, that felt too intimate, but I took his hands in mine, feeling the callouses on his large palms and the warmth that seemed to seep out of his skin into mine. “Broad shoulders, warm hands. From what I can see, you’ve got everything people hope for.”
“What do you hope for, erska?” he murmured.
Shaking my head, I smiled. “For me, it’s not about looks. If I had to choose what was most important to me, it would be things like kindness, understanding, patience, maybe a little playfulness. You have all of that and more. Don’t be so sure that someone won’t want you. You’ve got more going for you than you think.”
CHAPTER NINE
HENRY
I hadn’t said the words expecting anything from Garrun. I’d only wanted to give him the same reassurance he gave me when I was spiraling earlier. So when he pushed past my hands and pressed his lips to mine, I didn’t see it coming. I startled a little from the abruptness, but when Garrun pulled back, perhaps to apologize, I reached for him again, using my palms against his cheeks to guide his lips back to mine.
It was an experience like nothing I’d ever felt before. His lips were soft, gently plucking at mine in slow, drugging sips that made my heart pound loudly in my ears, and my body sway in an unconscious bid to be closer to him. The scrape of his beard as it tickled my palms was oddly thrilling, and when I ran my fingers through the coarse hair, he made a low grumbly sound that seemed a cross between pleasure and pain. Like he’d been just as sure as I was that this experience was out of reach, and his heart ached like mine did to finally feel the kind of connection everyone always talked about but that neither of us had the pleasure of discovering ourselves.
One of his large hands came around my back, pulling me closer to eliminate the limited space between us. His other hand cupped the back of my head, thick fingers sliding through my hair and sending a shiver up my spine. I gasped in response, letting out a quiet whimper when his tongue tentatively slid against mine.
I leaned into Garrun a little more, trusting my weight against him, and felt the bulge of his arousal press against mine. Breaking the kiss with a gasp, I sucked in big gulps of cool night air. My skin suddenly felt tight, my knees weak despite me not standing on my own two feet. A fine tremble seemed to overtake my body, overwhelmed by all the foreign sensations.
“Garrun…”
He hummed, resting his forehead against mine. I felt the crease of his brow, my fingers automatically moving to trace the pull of his lips into a slight frown. “It’s okay. You do not need to rush. You are safe.”
My breath left me in a whoosh, a smile overtaking my face. He said the same thing when I was upset, gently reassuring me that I could take my time wrapping my head around my feelings. I appreciated that more than words could say.
“Can I… play you something? I feel like this moment deserves music.”
With my fingers still on his lips, I felt when he smiled, his arms tightening around me in a hug before releasing me again. “I would like that. I like your music.”
A flush burned my cheeks that only deepened when I tried to move back to the rock and slipped. If Garrun hadn’t been nearby, I would’ve likely scraped myself against the side of the rock or perhaps smacked my head on it, which would have been embarrassing. But thanks to the sweet barbarian who was determined to look out for me, I was carefully deposited back on the rock and my violin case was set gently in my lap.
My mood before had been melancholy, the sadness in the notes reflecting how I felt about maybe never feeling the way Alice had described she felt for Vaddarr. But after my kiss with Garrun, I was feeling more hopeful. I let the sweetness of the kiss play again in my head, putting the bow against the strings as I began to play something more upbeat and full of excitement and hope. A smile stretched across my lips, and I swayed with the music, letting my emotions get the better of me.
I never thought the choice to join the barbarians would lead to anything like this. To me finding someone who understood me and supported me. Who looked past my vision loss and saw me for who I was. And who let me see him in the same way.
When Garrun eventually led me back to my tent, the emotional turmoil I’d left with was gone, and in its place was a new hope for the future. I squeezed his arm, smiling up at him, and absolutely melted when his big hand cupped my face and he pressed a gentle kiss against my lips.
“Sleep well, erska. I will see you in the morning.”
“Yeah. See you,” I murmured, forcing myself to release him and duck into my tent. If I didn’t, I was worried I’d never stop kissing him and it would lead to something I wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. I felt Garrun’s words down to my bones. I didn’t want to rush. I wanted to catalogue every feeling, every new experience with him, and I wanted to make sure he felt just as excited about it all as I did. That part would be the hardest for me. I wasn’t even sure how to do that. The only option I had was to ask.
Crawling into bed, I closed my eyes, a smile lingering on my lips as I fell asleep.
After I’d learned to play the violin, my dreams stopped being images or reminders of what I’d lost. I started dreaming in colors, pulses matching whatever musical symphonies were swirling around in my subconscious at the time. I loved it, loved feeling surrounded by the music and colors, and when the dream was intense enough that I remembered it upon waking, I always woke with a song in my heart and a smile on my face.
I didn’t think at my age that the dreams would change. New sensations seemed to follow along with the music, creating the colors I was familiar with; a scrape and tickle against my palms a bright pink, the soft brush of Garrun’s lips on mine more of a soft amber. I felt like I was floating in it, and when I opened my eyes, the feelings lingered long enough that I reached to touch my lips, wondering if I somehow could still feel him hours later.
Scrubbing my hands over my face, I bit back a groan. If this was how Alice was feeling, it was no wonder she was so conflicted about staying. I wasn’t eager to go anywhere either. I wasn’t sure staying would work for me, though. Life was difficult enough without adding constant movement, new arrangements for how we lived every month or so, not to mention the difficulty of trying to keep myself steady in uneven terrains. Was it even possible to have the stability I needed without giving up the sweet man who made me feel seen?
A rustle drew my attention, and I dropped my hands just in time for Ekkar to pad onto my pallet of blankets and lay on top of me. I groaned under his weight, a strained chuckle escaping me as he rested his big head next to mine and sighed.
“Long night?” I croaked, petting the thick fur of his neck down his back. “You’re crushing me, you know.”
Ekkar didn’t make any noises in response, and I realized belatedly that he probably only understood the barbarian language. Garrun and I often spoke in our own languages when replying to one another, so I’d not gotten into the habitof speaking the barbarian language first. It was hard to think straight with a wolf laying on top of me, but I searched my limited vocabulary, telling him, “Ekkar is heavy. Understand?”
This time he huffed but still didn’t get up to move. I gave up, laughing as I resigned myself to being Ekkar’s bed until Garrun came to find him.
“Henry? What’s so funny?” Alice’s sleepy voice asked. I heard her blankets rustle, and when she sat up to look at me, she let out a strangled sound, her tone a little more alarmed when she said, “Henry?”
“I’m fine,” I told her, still laughing. “He’s just a little heavy. Can you get Garrun for me?”
