“I wouldn’t say aboyfriend, exactly. More like some fuckboy who keeps making Coley cry because he won’t commit and —”
I’m out the back door before I hear any more.
Purple sky, streaked with the last rays of the sun, long since sunk below the horizon. Pavement scratching my bare feet as I run, then wet grass, the Sound in front of me, waves licking the shore. The whoosh of the glass door behind me.
“Ezra!”
Cole’s voice is ragged with anguish, but I can’t look, can’t turn, can’tbreathe— chesttight, skintight, fiststight, my brain a broken kaleidoscope spitting senseless images, looking for the patterns I missed — have tostopit, have toshutit — fists pounding against the sides of my head —
“N-n-n-n-baby,no!” Cole is in front of me, his hands grabbing my wrists, trying to pull me in, to hug me against his chest. But I’m stronger and heavier, and I break his hold. And we’re a few feet apart, both breathing hard, and the distance between us might as well be a canyon.
“What the — what thefuck, Cole?” It’s all I can manage to force past my lips, my thoughts jamming together, too fast for me to process.
“I’msorry—” He’s already crying, and it feels like a knife between my ribs. “You weren’t supposed to find out like that —”
“Find outwhat?That I’m making you miserable? So much so that you need to tell Bree about it?”
“It’s not like that —please, Ezra —”
“Nnnnnhh—”Then what is it like?The words are right there — I can see them written in the air — but I can’t force them out, can’t form my mouth around them. My fingers are twisting in my hair, tugging at my curls, and Cole steps forward, putting his hands on my shoulders.
The tear tracks are glistening on his cheeks. “Please, baby — you’re freaking out — please just breathe for me —”
“No!” I break away again, and he jumps back like I slapped him. “You’re always —” Wet grass, cool air, dark sky. Lungs full of air. “You always try to smooth it for me — like I’m a child —”
“No—”
“Like I can’t do it myself —”
“It’s not —” He’s gulping for air too, looking up at the sky as if for guidance. “Ezra, I’m in love with you.”
The words burn me like acid. “You’renot.”
“What—” He opens and closes his mouth a few times. “How thefuck—”
“You don’t get to say that to me. You don’t get to smooth this over. Because you fuckinglie—” Somehow it’s easier, the angrier I get, making the words come. “Yousaid you didn’t want a relationship when we started this, but obviously you fucking do. You always tell me you’re fine, but you’re not. Back then —” I wave my hand into the past. “Now— You hide shit from me, because you think I can’t take it — because you thinkI’mdamaged—”
“Ezra, Idon’tthink that —”
“What about last month?” My hands are waving now, my fists opening and closing in midair. “You come out to Brooklyn — something is clearly fucking wrong — but you tell me you’re fine and we fuck and you lose your shit — and I know I’m a stupid fucking asshole and I’m shit at understanding things but I still want toknowwhat’s going on with you —”
Cole hangs his head. “It was the anniversary of the day Gram died.”
It’s my turn to stop in my tracks. “What?”
“Two years.” He takes a shuddering breath. “I just didn’t want to be alone.”
I feel like I’m seeing him for the first time. “And you don’t think I would have understood that. That I would have been able to talk to you about it.”
“Sorry, I forgot that you’re the only one who’s allowed to know anything about grief.”
I open my mouth and shut it again, and I think he sees his mistake, because his eyes go wide.
“Ezra,fuck, I didn’t mean —”
“Go fuck yourself, Cole.” I turn on my heel and stalk back towards the house.
He’s trotting behind me, calling me, trying to pull me back. But I break his grip and I keep walking, through the darkness and into the too-bright house, past the shocked faces of Bree and Seth, up the stairs. Ihave to get out. I can’t stay here anymore, knowing everyone’s looking at me, that Bree knows some version of the story of me and Cole that might or might not be the truth, that Seth is seeing all the worst parts of me. Cole is pleading with me, but I can’t process the words over the buzzing in my ears, over the incessant beating of my heart.
