Of course he sounds cool and self-assured, while I can barely force his name past the crackling desert of my lips.
“You twoknoweach other? But —” Sabrina’s eyes are narrowed shrewdly, flicking back and forth between us as she sizes us both up. “Oh!Coley, you told me your grandmother lived here when she was still alive —”
“On the hill right above us! Her backyard looked down into ours.” Dad’s voice is always too loud, reverberating through my skull even when I’m not feeling like my insides are about to drop straight through the floor. “Cole, I was so sad to hear that she passed. And I’m sorry that Ezra and I didn’t make it to her funeral.”
“That’s okay, Mr. Callahan.” Cole looks down at the floor. “It was sudden — and my parents decided to keep it small.”
“I know she thought the world of you, and it’s so good to see you again.” Dad lays a hand on his shoulder. “How long has it been?”
“Twelve years,” Cole answers. His tone is neutral, matter of fact, but he might as well be yelling at me. “I headed home right before graduation —”
Dad’s brow furrows, and I know he’s thinking about that night. And everything that came afterward. But he recovers quickly.
“That’s right, I remember now,” he booms. “Ezra moped for weeks after you left.”
Maybe I should go outside and walk directly into the ocean.
Seth is sizing us both up. “That’s crazy — what arethe odds? So you two were — friends? But Cole, I don’t think we ever met —”
“You were off at college, I think? It was just the one school year —” Cole begins, but of course Dad steps in.
“It was the year Hurricane Sandy hit! I’ll never forget that night we spent with you and your Gram, with the wind howling all around.” Dad’s hand is heavy on my shoulder. “And after that, you and Ezra were inseparable —”
“Dad—” I can’t help the warning note in my voice, and everyone stares at me, so I let my eyes drop to the floor.
Sabrina clears her throat and squeezes Cole’s hand. “You two will have so much to catch up on! And we’ll all be seeing a lot of each other in the next few months, won’t we?”
Cole grins down at her, and I think I can see the mask slide back on. “Sure thing, babe.”
There’s more small talk, and introductions and plastered-on smiles, and I feel like my head is too big, like my arms and legs belong to someone else. As we’re moving towards the table, I feel light fingers on my elbow, a voice hissing in my ear.
“I’m so sorry—” Cole always knew how to read me, but I’m not interested in his pity. I nod curtly and step away.
Somehow, we end up sitting next to each other, and I know this is some cruel joke. I order the crab cakes andI keep my eyes on my plate and I try not to notice the way Cole’s leg is jiggling under the table, the way those pink trousers hug his slim thigh. I ball my fist up in my lap and I concentrate on my fingernails digging into my palm and I can’t drown out his voice entirely, so I learn that he and Sabrina met at art school, that they used to model for each other, that they’ve traveled all over the world together and had each other’s backs through it all. I learn that Cole has been in Italy for the past six months, and Sabrina says something about Italian boys that makes Cole chuckle, and I bite the inside of my cheek and savor the rush of metal in my mouth. I don’t care that Dad is talking too loud, that he’s telling Rodney Slade about how Kevin Smith shotClerksjust up the road as if it’s the most important thing that has happened in the movie industry in the last thirty years. I try to pretend I’m not there, and it seems to work, because after the first few one-word answers everyone around me turns their attention towards more interesting conversations. And so I’m left inside my head, which is great because it means I have plenty of time to make a list of every single way I’ve failed, every single fucking thing assholes like me were never meant to have.
When the dinner is over, everyone is standing in the parking lot, making plans to walk up the road to another bar to keep the night going, but I’m ready to get the fuck out of there, so I pull Seth aside.
“Hey, mind if I peel off? I’m ready to call it a night.”
“Sure, I know this isn’t your thing. I’m glad you came at all.” Seth looks me up and down, and I know he’s not going to leave it alone. “You okay? You’ve been kind of weird tonight. Weirder than usual, I mean.”
“I’mfine.” It comes out a little too forcefully, but thankfully Seth lets it go, and soon I’m saying my goodbyes, trudging back up the hill toward the house. The sun is down, and the spring night is no match for the wind whipping in off the water, bringing with it the salt brine that stings my nostrils and always makes me feel like a kid again. I breathe in anyway, embracing the hurt, letting the frigid air fill my lungs, my thighs burning as I take the steepest way up. Somehow it reminds me that I’mreal, while everything else that has happened so far tonight has had me floating somewhere outside of my body, a tiny ant at the wrong end of a telescope.
The house where I grew up isn’t much — a one and a half story shotgun house with a gambrel roof, three rooms on the first floor and three tiny bedrooms above. Dad’s old blue panel van is parked in the driveway, the wordsCALLAHAN AND SONS CONSTRUCTIONoptimistically stenciled on the side, even though he ended up siring two nerds who have no interest in following in his footsteps. There’s a chain-link fence and a deep porch across the front of the house, and I would just have to take a few steps up to let myselfstraight into the living room, to make my way upstairs and throw myself down on the twin bed where Cole and I used to —
But I’m too keyed up, spiders crawling across my flesh, so I let myself through the side gate, into the tiny backyard, a scrubby patch of crabgrass that was always boiling in the summer sunshine and frigid in winter. There’s still an old swingset in the corner, and I’m headed in that direction when I hear the clink of the gate behind me, footsteps brushing through the grass.
“Ezra?”
He’s standing there in the moonlight, the breeze lifting his curls, his outrageous coral suit reading light blue in the darkness, and he’s so absurdly beautiful that I want to throw up.
“What do you want, Cole?” The words cut my lips as they tumble out, and I turn my back, balling my hands into fists and trying to keep the hot surge of anger inside me under control. But I don’t look away fast enough, because I see the way he folds inward, casting his eyes toward the ground.
“Um, I mean —” The seconds tick by, and we’re both breathing hard. “Look, this is hard for me too, okay? I just figured it out yesterday —”
“I findthathard to believe —” I snort, and it feels good to throw myself at something.
“Okay, here’s the thing — Bree is — could youpleaselook at me?” he pleads, and I turn, watching him as hespreads his hands in the moonlight. “Bree is like a sister to me, but she can also be impulsive, and she’s the kind of friend where you don’t ask twice when she calls you up on the phone and tells you that you have to pack up everything and cross an ocean for her because she’s marrying some dude she just met — no shade to your brother. So I did it — and it wasn’t until yesterday that she told me where the party was, and that’s when I put two and two together.”
