I tap her name and wait.
“Hey.” Lyla’s chipper voice fills my ear, and I really need her to take it down a few notches.
“I need you to tell me what in the hell I’m supposed to do.”
“Oookaaayy. I need a topic or subject. Something.”
I hear her shuffling around. “Where are you?”
“New York. I’m packing.”
She’s alone. I leave the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bed, running a hand through my damp hair.
I inhale a deep breath. “I think I’m ready.” I shove it out.
There’s only the sound of a zipper. “Ready for what?”
I roll my eyes, really wishing she could see. “Sex,” I blurt, needing her to catch up.
Nothing. Dead silence.
“Wow. Ok. This is big.”
I sense her sitting down to give me her full attention.
“Ry, you know how to do that.”
I groan. “Ly, I clearly know how to have sex, but this is different. What if I freak out in the middle of it or can’t. . . ” My mind spins with all the ways in which I don’t want to screwthis up. “My body wants it, but my stupid brain just won’t shut up. You’re so comfortable with your body. I need that. To be comfortable with something.”
It takes her a second, but then her calm voice takes over. “First, you’re clearly very comfortable if you want to get it on.” There’s amusement in her tone, but this is no time for teasing. “Second, this is different. Standing naked in front of people is one thing. Getting naked with someone, it’s a deep intimacy that terrifies the crap out of me.”
She pauses, and her admission soothes my nerves. “But it should, I think. Otherwise, it’s just a physical act that doesn’t mean anything. I think that might be why you’re overthinking this. You’re not scared of Cole. You’re just afraid of the past taking this from you, too. That it’ll creep into what’s supposed to be exciting and amazing and special.”
“So, what do I do? Just wait until I can’t stand it anymore?”
“Ry,talkto him. Tell him what you want and that you’re nervous. Hell, I bet even people with healthy sexual backgrounds are nervous.”
I slap a hand over my face. “Ha. Just walk out there and say, ‘Hey, I want you, and I’m not really sure how it will be or if I’ll lose my shit in the middle of it. Or, fair warning, I might not like it or be able to relax my body. And if once we’re done, I’ll ever want to do it again.’” I breathe. “I’m certain those are all the things a guy wants to hear.”
Sweat starts to pool underneath my clean armpits. I rest my head in my hand.
“Ry.” Lyla’s got her bossy pants on now. “I’m going to ask a very personal question, so prepare yourself.”
I want to plug my ears, but this is why I called her. “Great. Can’t wait.”
“When you’re making out with him, do you like it and feel safe? When things slow, you don’t want to stop?”
“Yes.” I don’t even have to think about it.
“Then, get your cute behind in the other room and tell him you’re ready. No more thinking. Let him love you like that. Let yourself love him back. This is a huge step. It’s part of the healing.”
She pauses. “Giving yourself to someone by choice, because you want to, is a really big deal. You need to tell your brain to shut the hell up. This is different, Ry. This is about love. The deep, all-consuming kind. You need to remember that and let go of everything else.”
“You sound awfully sure for someone who’s terrified, too.”
“Ry, I am terrified, but mostly that I won’t ever meet someone whom I want to give myself to in that way. Someone I feel safe with. Not just sex, but love. Now, quit stalling and get in there.”
“But, what if—”
