“I have been hiding. But I couldn’t hide from you, could I?”
She turns her head away, staring out the window.
“I’ve spent my life afraid of letting down the one man I could never disappoint.” I shake my head. “Always focused. Never relaxed, hoping to earn my place and gain their respect. It was easier than facing how lonely I’ve always been.”
There it is. My pathetic truth.
“But my dad would be disappointed with how I’ve been living. I know better. I’ve seen how short life can be.” I swallow, a fuzzy flicker of my mom clapping and smiling coasts through my mind.
“It’s been easier to put my head down, drowning everything else out with a game, too damn scared to lose someone else I love.” I huff a laugh, knowing I almost lost her last night. “I have everything a man could want.”
I drag my eyes from my hands to her. “Except I’m learning I don’t really have much of anything at all.”
I pause before finally admitting the last of it.
“I’ve never allowed myself to see anything outside of a hundred yards and what it will take to get to the next win. . .until you.”
I reach for her hand again, and this time, she doesn’t pull away. Tentatively, I lace my fingers with hers, and she stares at our joined hands.
“Ryder, I’m not sure what my life looks like outside of football because I’ve never had one, but you already know that. I think it’s time for me to figure that out. The only thing I know for sure is that I—”
“Don’t.” She squeezes her eyes shut, tugging her hand away and fisting the sheet.
Desperation begins to worm its way in, surrounding my chest. “Ryder, I—”
“Cole.” The way she says my name tells me to brace myself. Her eyelids drop into a fierce glare. “You want your family, friends, your team, and fans to know that you spend your time with a former drug addict? Someone who sold herself by the hour for a quick buck and her next high. Whose body was diseased and damaged. The things I’ve done. . .people can’t stomach to read about, let alone see. You’ll need more than a name and superficial game to hide that sick shit.”
I breathe, letting her words bounce off without even a flinch. This may be how she sees herself. She may think I’ll turn away, but she’s wrong. I see a warrior who bears scars, and I’ll kiss every single one.
The muscle in her jaw flexes. “I am all of those things and worse, and now I kill the people who make those things true. That is all I will ever be.” Her eyes dare me. “Think about it. What will people say? Even the best PR team couldn’t pull the perfect Cole Matthews back from those headlines.”
The force of those words could knock me on my ass, but I don’t move an inch. Her chest moves in and out quickly, and my entire body constricts.
“You need to go now.” It’s only a whisper. “You don’t belong here.”
It’s a spear straight through my already bleeding heart, but I won’t let her fear win.
“Look at me.”
I see her face as I lean over her, groaning in pain, begging her to hang on. Her lifting Matt into my backseat. Her smile. I can feel her in my arms, resting against me like she doesn’t want me to ever let go.
I just need her to hold tight now—to stay with me until I can make her see that she’s still safe with me. She always will be.
“Please go.” Her voice quivers, and she presses her eyes closed, fighting it.
My throat aches and swells. “Ryder, look at me. I’m not leaving until you do.”
I wait until her eyes finally meet mine, red and filled with so much pain I’d give anything to wipe away.
“I’ll go, but before I do, I want you to hear me.” I lean forward, sliding my hands around her face to be sure she hears every word. “You can push me away and shut me out, but I’m here, and I’m staying. I want you. All of you. All of the hurt and the pain. All of the things you just described, I’ll carry those when they are too heavy and hold you through them. They don’t scare me. Not even a little bit.”
It’s the only time I’ll force her to not turn away. “I want you, Ryder, and all that makes you who you are. The beauty and the pain. Every smile and smart-ass comment. Any touch you will allow. All of your nightmares and flashbacks. Every deep, dark, horrific piece that you won’t allow anyone near. I want those. And I won’t turn away. Ever.”
Her eyes glisten with tears, and she does her damnedest not to blink them away. I don’t even try, mine dripping onto her chest.
“I love you. And I’m going to keep on loving you, so you’re just going to have to get used to it.”
Her eyes flick between mine, and I know she’s holding her breath, strangling every emotion, so I spill the last of it.
