I rub my eyes to get them to focus in the dark.
She cries out. “No!”
I push to my knees, leaning over the bed.
“Ryder,” I call to her softly. “Hey. Shhh. Wake up.”
She thrashes under the sheets as another gut-wrenching groan fills the air, and it stabs me straight through.
I risk touching her. Her body is slick with sweat. I gently run my hand over her forehead and into her hair.
“Ryder. Wake up. It’s ok.” I stroke her hair, and her arm swings out with incredible force to swipe it away.
She flies out of bed like some kind of ninja. Her breaths come out in pants as she stares wide-eyed at me.
“Hey, it’s ok,” I whisper. “It’s just me. You’re safe.”
She blinks a few times, and then her face falls into her hands as her breathing slows.
“Safe isn’t a place I’ve ever been.” Her soft-spoken words have claws that reach straight inside my chest and tear my heart from it.
I ache to touch her and hold her—to take away all of the things that haunt her. All of the things that have ever made that statement true.
“Do you want me to get you some water or. . . ” I stand.
“No.” She wraps her arms tightly around herself. “I’m sorry.” It’s only a weak whisper.
“Ryder, don’t. Don’t apologize.”
Her weight shifts from one foot to the other.
“Come here.”
She doesn’t move, so I do, wanting to go to her.
“No.” It’s a demand, and I freeze. “I just need. . . ”
She fists her shirt in her hands, watching me.
I sit on the edge of the bed, giving her time.
After a minute, she slowly moves toward the bed, and I push off to remake mine on the floor.
“Stay.”
I pause at her gentle request, teetering on the edge of this precarious moment.
“Please.”
I twist to see her as she straightens the sheet and quilt, then climbs back in bed.
“When I’m home, and I have a nightmare, I go to Jamie’s room and lie with her.” Her voice is achingly soft.
I stare at her, seeing that she never truly escapes.
“Will you. . .stay here with me?”
Just like all the other times, I understand what it means for her to ask me, and I know better than to hesitate. I move to the side of the bed and stretch out next to her on top of the quilt, careful to keep space between us. The bed is instantly so much better than the floor, but it’s the woman beside me who really makes all the difference. Just being near her.
