I spin, looking at them, and they’ve adjusted the phone so Lyla can still see me.
“He told me he doesn’t understand, but he wants to.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t understand,” Jamie says carefully, knowing I’m two seconds away from having a raging anxiety attack. “Do you want him to?”
I think about everything he said about not having to hide from him and admitting he’s scared. The man and his self-assurance kill me. But that single statement gave me so much relief because me, too.
I’m terrified of the things awakening within me that challenge what I was sure were long dead and gone, never to be resurrected. It’s disturbing the thing I’ve believed about myself and held onto tightly for security and comfort. But being with Cole. . .they’re starting to fall away just a little.
I sit back down, my muscles vibrating. “I don’t know,” I admit softly because this shit aches in all the places I don’t like messed with, and Cole Matthews is ruffling all of them.
I take some deep breaths, trying to relax my body’s flight response. “He has this way of making me feel so completely comfortable that I end up thinking it might be ok. But then something happens, and I’m reminded of who he is and. . .who I can never be.”
“Two people,” Van says quietly. “You’re just two people with lives. Parts of them you’d probably both like to change.”
That’s a vast understatement. Cole has been through things. I know his mom was killed in an accident, but he’s never talked about it. His dad died, and he has four young siblings. He’s a man who keeps his world small, so he doesn’t have to face the constant disappointment of never really being seen or being enough.
“He doesn’t know the things I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am.” My brownies seriously might make a return. I suck in air and push out. In and out. “Guys, he’s my assignment. It is my job to protect him, and that’s it. When this is over. . . ”
“It’s ok if he’s more than just a job,” Jos says as if it’s that simple.
“It’s also ok if you like how he makes you feel and you want to hold his hand or allow him to touch you,” Lyla adds.
Would it, though? Be ok? I don’t know.
I ease back into the couch. “What if I freak out or I’m not ready for…something?” I think about him lying on the tile floor in the kitchen, holding his side.
“You have to talk to him,” Van says matter-of-factly. “You said he doesn’t push. If he’s really your friend, he won’t. He’ll listen and be patient.”
“This is insane.” I rub my face.
“I think this is how it’s supposed to be. Well, maybe not this hard, but these kinds of feelings,” Jamie says delicately.
I peek at her.
“Ry, we don’t encounter people often who make us feel that safe. We can’t fight it when we do. Otherwise, we’d never trust anyone, and we all know how incredibly lonely that is.”
“So, what? Just tell him everything. Wait for him to fill with disgust and make sure there are two feet between us at all times, never able to look me in the eye again.”
“That’s a possibility,” Van confirms. “Or what if he still wants to hold your hand and. . .maybe more.” Her eyes meet mine.
Both scenarios cause equal amounts of anxiety and make me want to punch something really, really hard.
“Or you can run away. Let TJ take over and put yourself out of your misery.” Jos nabs the pan of brownies out of Jamie’s reach and digs one out with the spatula. “Then we’ll all just go back to believing that no one will ever want us. We’ll grow into sad, miserable old ladies who can kick real ass but never know what it’s like to do any of the things with a man a woman should want to do.” She shoves half the brownie in her mouth and begins to chew.
We all stare at her, except for Lyla, who’s still pointing in my direction, but her eyes are humorously wide.
“What?” Jos says, her mouth so completely full. “It’s true.” She points at me. “You’ve just never allowed yourself to think about wanting those things, and now you might.”
Well, fuck.
The sassy little shit might be right. I throw a pillow at her, and she dodges it.
“Come on, Ry. Do it for us and The Assignment,” Jamie begs. “Just let yourself want one thing at a time.”
They snicker as if my torture is now amusing. I’m terrified to want anything with Cole, let alone the things they might be referring to.
I feel my face heat.
