“I think you’re leaving out a few crucial details,” she says tentatively, and she turns from scientist to friend again. “Those things may be true. But four years ago? You looked in the mirror and realized you wanted—deserved—more, so you packed up. And you think you waited for a man to tell you it was time to pick up the pieces of yourself? Ren? Look around.” Her mouth wobbles into a smile, and I think tears might sparkle behind her eyes, too. “You found yourself a job. You carved a life for yourself here. You started going to therapy. You have a beautiful—but messy—home. You offered to help Miller first. He got the idea from you. He just ... wanted to help you back.”
Giving her a watery smile, I shrug, trying to avoid the pull on my shoulders back into the line of a grin, even though that might have become their default setting the first time Miller smiled at me. That same smile—wide, stretching with dimples hidden underneath a dusting of dark stubble—flashes behind my eyes, and I feel my face warm when I whisper, “I just don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.”
She starts to shake her head, but her eyes land on the flush searing across my skin and her mouth pops open. Leaning forward, her voice turns into a strangled shriek. “Do you—are you—do you have a crush on him?”
“No!” I shake out my shoulders, slapping my hands to my cheeks. “He’s—he’s obviously very attractive.”
“Obviously!” Imani jabs a finger towards my phone, still face down on the table. “He was named the sexiest shortstop last year, you know.”
Fires light across my cheeks, and I try to give her a flat look. “By what reputable publication?”
She lifts her chin. “Sports Illustrated.”
“Oh.” I deflate, petulant. “I wouldn’t exactly call that reputable.”
“Sorry, were you expecting to find him in theJournal of Vertebrate Paleontology?” Her shoulders roll with barely contained laughter.
Leaning forward, I arch a brow. “Imagine the stir that would cause in the scientific community.”
“Graham would have a fit.” Her laugh turns into a snort, and she covers her mouth, but it’s not embarrassment flaring behind her eyes. It’s something like joy.
My smile turns soft, and I think I’d like to be more like my best friend.
Casting a glance over her shoulder, like Graham might be lurking amongst the college students and could have heard her, she turns back, whispering, “Would it be the worst thing in the world? To have a crush on Miller? Crushes can be harmless fun.”
I don’t think a single step leading down the path of falling for someone like Miller could be considered harmless.
At least, not for someone like me.
“It’s a time-limited thing, really. Us helping each other out. He might move, and I might ... too.” I finally turn my attention back to my abandoned laptop, turning it around so she can see the job posting in Halifax. “Graham offered to put in a good word for me.”
“They don’t have a very big collection.” Imani’s brows draw together when she frowns at the screen, but she looks up at me, curious. “Is that ... The title is something you want so badly you’d give up access to one of the biggest collections in the country?”
“Well, I didn’t get the job here so ...” I trail off. “Going back to school is on my list, but I don’t know ... this makes sense. It would be the next step, career-wise.”
I wait for her to tell me dreams can change and that doesn’t mean you’re not growing, but she murmurs a single word, almost sad, “Hierarchies,” before straightening her shouldersand closing her notebook. “Well, your CV must be up-to-date. You can repurpose your application from the role here. I can look over it, when you’re done.”
“You don’t think I should apply?” I blink at her.
“I didn’t say that.” She shakes her head, slow, bottom lip soft and a wrinkle to her nose. “And it only matters what you think. But you know how sometimes we’re so set on a singular hypothesis, we overlook something else?”
I nod with half a laugh. “Sure. Researchers and scientists are just as fallible as everyone else.”
“Kind of like someone being so careful not to repeat a previous mistake, they end up making an entirely different one.” She exhales, motioning with her hand, leaving her scribbles about whatever mathematical assessment she was doing of professional baseball entirely abandoned. “Here, let me see the job description.”
I slide my laptop across the table towards my best friend, who I love so very much, and I know loves me, even when she thinks I’m going in the wrong direction. But she’ll never understand that there’s this other hierarchy, and it might be the most important one of all: Some mistakes are so horrible and so harmful, you’d do anything and everything to avoid making them again, no matter the cost.
Miller
Ren: glad victor brought you good luck in boston, hope it holds tonight in new york
Frowning, I drop the back of my head against the padded headboard of the hotel room bed.
Miller: who’s victor???
Ren: victor!! victor the velociraptor!! don’t tell me you’ve forgotten our child’s name??
The frown tilts upwards into a grin, and I scratch absentmindedly at my neck before tugging at the hair on the crown of my head while the smile burns my cheeks.
