Nobody in the audience seemed to notice anything was amiss, and they all laughed when the donkey cracked a joke that had Harriet in stitches too. Slowly, the wobbles in her lines lessened and she managed a few nervous glances towards the audience. At one stage in the first scene, the oversized papier-mâché donkey head nearly slipped off, but Harrietresettled it back on Spencer’s shoulders and braved the glare of the spotlights to deliver her lines clearly and confidently.
‘It’s time to be brave, dear donkey. I’m ready to take to the high seas all by myself,’ she commanded, dropping Spencer’s tie. She turned, looking into the mirror and striking a superhero power pose, one hand on her hip and the other pointing skyward.
The performance was over in a flash, and Clem struggled to stop the tears spilling over when the whole cast came back on stage for an encore bow, including the donkey on all fours. She watched her daughter, who was so proud of herself she was practically fizzing, wrap her arms around Spencer’s papier-mâché neck and hug him as the curtain closed.
‘Our Harriet did us proud,’ Arthur said, leaning over Clem to offer Hazel a spare handkerchief. ‘I can’t believe I’m sniffing and snivelling at a community play. You didn’t tell me it was going to be such a tear-jerker, Clemmy.’
‘Same! I thought it was billed as a comedy,’ Hazel said, mopping her eyes. ‘That bit about the mean old pirate admitting he missed his dead dad was so sad, and then the heartbroken sailor who fell in love with the mermaid tipped me over the edge.’
Clem let the conversation wash around her, watching the stiffness in Spencer’s gait as he got to his feet, removed the donkey head and leaned down to speak with Harriet. Watching the two of them together, Clem reflected on the themes in the story he’d helped write and the quick thinking that must have occurred off-stage before Harriet’s first scene.
She’d asked him to be vulnerable, attacked him for avoiding tough issues, accused him of the worst possible crime against mankind, but as she’d watched the play, she’d come to realise that she’d been in denial too. Spencer wasn’t the only one scared of opening his heart. She looked around at the familyand friends who surrounded her, all there to celebrate Harriet’s big night.
She’d got it wrong. Not all men left.
Jack hadn’t left when things got tough; nor had Arthur. And after seeing Spencer on his hands and knees up there tonight, and understanding how hard he’d fought to give his wife the dignity and support she needed in her final days, she realised Spencer was one of the good ones. If she didn’t tell him soon, maybe she’d lose him forever. ‘Jack,’ she said, leaning towards her brother, ‘if you’re still heading for ice cream to celebrate opening night, can you do me a big favour? Can you take the girls in my car and I’ll follow behind in yours? I need to do something first.’
After wrapping Harriet in an enormous hug and showering her with well-deserved praise, Clem left her daughter with her family, soaking up compliments from the adoring audience, and slipped backstage.
She found Spencer in the back room, sitting in the paint-speckled swivel chair, his hair sticking up like he’d run his hands through it a million times—or was it from wearing the giant donkey head?
‘That must have weighed a tonne, especially when you were on all fours,’ she said quietly. ‘A last-minute addition?’
Even before Harriet had launched into a story about Canadian wolves and wild dogs and a brave donkey, Clem had known it was Spencer’s doing, another of the ways he’d shown up for her girl, put himself second and done whatever it took to make life easier. Adam Dunkirk hadn’t even made it tonight, even though Harriet had sent him a handwritten invite, and while Clem hadn’t been surprised, it was jaw-dropping to think about the difference between the two men.
Spencer nodded, his smile tight, and she wondered what it had cost him to bare his soul tonight. He looked wiped,the stripes in his shirt matched by the lines on his tired face. ‘Best I could come up with at short notice. It was my fault for not pushing to save the speeches for after the show. Harriet got spooked, waiting backstage for so long, I’m sure she would’ve been fine if we’d stuck to the original timelines.’
‘Stop,’ she said, touching a finger to his lips. ‘You do that all the time, carrying the weight of everyone, and everything. Some things are out of your control. And as much as I hate to admit it, they’re out of mine too.’ She laughed.
‘It was amazing, Spencer, all of it,’ she said, dragging a stool over and sitting beside him. ‘That play was the most beautiful, touching thing I’ve seen on stage, and I can’t thank you enough for giving Harri the boost she needed until she found her feet.’
‘Rookie error. A more experienced scriptwriter would have known the junior actors always need a sidekick in their opening scene. I’m getting used to making an ass of myself.’ He grinned then, and at last, he looked like the Spencer she knew and loved.
The tiredness that had been building up over the past couple of months was humming in the back of Spencer’s head, like a bee caught in gauze netting.
‘And I’m sorry, Spencer, I’m so, so sorry for the way I reacted. I had no right to judge you and run away instead of talking it through, without even empathising, or acknowledging how difficult it must have been to assist Belle in her death.’
He hadn’t allowed himself to hope for this moment, and when Clem had walked into this small room, the room they’d spent so many quiet afternoons in, painting and horsing around, he was wary of how this conversation might go.
Just because he wanted something so badly, didn’t mean he was going to get it. Had his actions at least done what his words had failed to do?
Don’t get your hopes up,he warned himself, ignoring the urge to fold his arms around her and silence her apologies with a kiss.
‘I was wrong, Spencer, so wrong. I found out Jean had also made arrangements for VAD, and it helped me reconsider my position and realise how insensitive I was. I had no right to shame you for protecting your wounds, your family, and no right to demand you share your late wife when you were clearly not ready.’
Spencer dragged his attention away from the soft floral skirt Clem wore, up past her yellow top, and met her gaze.
He needed to be honest too, even if it meant risking everything. ‘For a long time, I thought speaking about Belle was like giving away little pieces of her. I felt like one day I’d wake up and there wouldn’t be anything of her left for me. And you were right, not speaking about her allowed me to bury my head in the sand. I had no more chance of clinging to a ghost than I do of trying to keep high-school kids from flouting the uniform code. And even though I’ve hated watching every episode, especially knowing what it was like for you, I’ll always be grateful toLove on the Landfor bringing you into my life.’
Clem touched the side of his face, her perfume as soft and subtle as ever, and when he searched her eyes, he saw vulnerability and shame.
He felt nervous then. What if he’d left it too late, and she’d already moved on? What if this apology was actually a tender goodbye?
‘You’re not the only one who can do denial,’ she said, tears welling as she struggled to hold his gaze. ‘My dad took hisown life when I was a kid and it took me a long time to talk about him with anyone other than a counsellor. I’ve got plenty of grey zones in my history that I keep bundled up. I still have no idea how I’m going to tackle the topic of suicide when the girls are old enough to hear the truth.
‘I hated feeling vulnerable again, and letting someone in, especially given how spectacularly that backfired with my marriage. Seeing you up there on your hands and knees, after hearing those beautiful words about Belle made me realise I’d fallen for you long ago. I can’t give you babies, but my feelings for you are so much stronger than my fear of being hurt again, and my heart’s all yours.’
Clem reached for his hand and dragged her stool closer, until her knees bumped against his. She tipped her head to the side and looked at him with a soft, shy smile. ‘I just hope I’m not too late, or too complicated for you? Is there still a future for us?’
