Eli was white now. “I cuffed him because he is a criminal.” His voice was hoarse and furious.
“He was yourbest friend.”
“EXACTLY!”
He bellowed it. She was surprised his frustrated anguish didn’t dislodge the squirrels from the trees and send them crashing down.
She didn’t flinch.
She did blink.
It occurred to her she’dneverseen Eli this angry. And that maybe she should be worried.
But she was falling apart, messily, endlessly, recklessly. She couldn’t seem to care. Her voice was a broken thing. “It’s just... I love him, Eli. And my family is all I’vegot, Eli.”
He closed his eyes and his head went back. He shook his head slowly in an agony of disbelief.
“Glory... sweetheart... that’s not true. Good God, you idiot... That’sneverbeen true.”
He startled her by hooking his forefingers into her belt loops and pulling her flush against his body. As if he wanted to literally impress something upon her. As if he could transfer all his strength and certainty to her. His mouth was inches from hers.
“Listen to me. What Jonah did? He might as well have said straight to my face, ‘Eli, I think your whole life is a joke. Your father’s death. Everything you stand for and live for. A joke.’ He knew how I felt about my dad. He knew how hard I worked to be what I am now. He knew what I gave up to do it. But he decided to get involved with that meth ring anyway, Glory. He spit right on everything I am. Call it desperate, call it lazy, call it Jonah. I guess I still love him like a brother, but you just don’tdothat to people you love. And you know what I can’t forgive him for? He did it to you, too.He did it to you.It’s okay for you to be furious at me, Glory, because maybe I deserve some of that. But he did it to you. And that... that about killed me.”
He’d ripped away one layer of defense, and she saw it: he was right. And now that she was holding on to Eli, or he was holding on to her, it finally seemed safe to turn and look head-on into that dark drop that had been dogging her for ages now. But it wasn’t as dark anymore. Eli had gone and blasted the light right into it.
And she knew what to call all those emotions writhing together there: staggering hurt. Fury. Shame. Betrayal. Grief. All of a big, black, entangled, pulsing piece. And it wasn’t just for herself or her family or Jonah, who had unthinkably betrayed her. But for Eli. Who’d been forced to break his own heart and hers by arresting his best friend.
It was just so much easier to blame Eli. To put her burdens on the strongest person she knew because he could bear it, even as he was bearing it now. To avoid her own pain by avoiding him.
“Oh, Eli. I know he did. I’m sorry. I know. I do know.”
He closed his eyes briefly and nodded, as if this was everything he’d so long wanted to hear. She could feel some of his tension leave his body. But he wasn’t done.
“And you want to know what still sometimes keeps me up at night, Glory? You’re right. I humiliated him. Ididwant to humiliate him. I wanted to shame him but good. I was so furious and hurt, there were nights it sometimes felt I couldn’t live with what I’d done. But he did what he did, and my job is what it is. And I woulddo it again. My whole world came down, too. I wanted him to feeleverymoment of shame for that.”
She just let the tears fall. Eli blurred in her vision.
They were so close she could feel his every breath swaying against her chest.
“Doyouthink I’m a joke, Glory?” he said tautly, finally. Softly.
She took in a shuddering breath.
“No, Eli. Never.” Her voice cracked. “Never.”
Her hand went up to touch his cheek. To apologize, to soothe. She thought better of it. Not sure he’d welcome it.
He inhaled at length, and then let it out slowly, like a man taking his first free breath in months.
And then he freed one hand from her belt loop and tenderly drew a fingertip beneath her eyes. First one, then the other.
His fingertip came away shining with her tears.
“So if you think it didn’tkillme, too, well, you’re wrong.” His voice broke. “I know you kept Jonah in your blind spot because you didn’t want to feel that kind of hurt. Here’s what I know: you’re equal to it. You’re equal to anything you want to take on. Whether it’s big, big hurt, or the big, big success you’re meant for. Remember how much you felt watching the tigers pacing back and forth in their cage that day at the zoo?That’swhat it’s like for me to watch you stay here in Hellcat Canyon. Like you said that day, it’s not right. It’s just not right. I’m not Francone. I’m not the person with the golden ticket out of here. You need to figure that out for yourself. But don’t let Jonah oranyonestop you, Glory.”
She knew by “anyone” he was talking about himself.
She tipped her forehead against his chest and heaved a sigh.
