The silence in their place made me twitchy. But I did what they advised me to do. I called my sister.
“What’s up, superstar?” Jiana asked me brightly when she picked up.
“Everything?” I sighed. “Nothing?”
“Oh.” I heard her moving. “Well, you are in luck, because I am in a parking lot, with five grocery bags, a can of soda, and a bag of chips. Lay it on me.”
“Where’s Nicky?”
“It’s Wednesday, he’s with Andy.”
“Right.” I hesitated. “How you doing?”
“No one cares, I’m alone, so tell me what’s wrong with my little brother.”
I fought the smile at her ability to see through my bullshit. “I think I fucked up.”
She was silent for a moment, and then I heard the pop of a can being opened. “Okay, talk.”
I told her everything. In detail. When she hung up on me, I had a moment of true panic that she’d given up on me, and then she FaceTimed me just so she could see my face as she shouted at me.
And Christ, could my sister rage with the best of them. Our mother’s Italian roots manifested in Jiana’s temper, and by the time she was done, I’d been ripped a new one.
“You done?” I asked as I watched her strumming her fingers off the steering wheel, her gaze locked on something outside.
“No.” She took a deep breath. “You aresolucky you are hundreds of miles away from me.”
“I miss you.”
“You don’t trust me,” she said bitterly, glancing toward the phone and shaking her head. “I get it, I do. I fucked up before. But Jesus, D. This is yourwholelife.” I saw her wipe away a tear. “What did you tell me when I woke up in the ICU?”
“Ji—”
“Whatdid you tell me?”
“Knox had too much power over you,” I mumbled.
“Then why thefuckwould you give him that power overyou?” She inhaled shakily. “I will nevereverforgive you if you fuck up your future because of him. Or me.”
“Ji—”
“Don’t talk to me.” She looked momentarily guilty when she heard my grunt of surprise. “I’m going home to unpack the groceries, then I’m going to go get Nicky from his father’s, andthenI’m going to call you later.”
“To yell more?” I guessed.
This time, she did look at me. “Of course I’m going to yell more, are you stupid?”
She hung up. I sat there for a minute, half expecting her to call me back, but when she didn’t, I — selfishly — hoped the hours between the calls were enough for her to calm down.
I got off the bed, put my shoes back on, and headed to the front door.
“Where are you going?” Dustin asked.
“Thought I might go out for a walk and maybe a coffee. Want anything?” I asked them both.
I left the room with their coffee orders, knowing I had no intention of heading to the coffee shop. I did what I always did when my head got loud. I found a ball, a field, and an excuse to burn myself down until I couldn’t think anymore.
I let myself into the training field. Floodlights threw long shadows across the turf as I worked through passing drills with no receivers — just me, the pocket, and the arc of the ball cuttingthrough the night. Drop back. Plant. Release. Over and over again until the unrest settled. I had no one coming to me, no one running to catch, so I could keep my throws light, my shoulder moving but not straining.
