The truth was, I didn’t like any of my options because they all involved my living with people who would have to take care of me to some degree. It wasn’t like I couldn’t move — I’d figured out how to feel my way to the bathroom even though the nurse had said I should call for help — but there were things I didn’t yet trust myself to do alone, like cook a meal or take a shower.
Moving in with Bram meant being his little sister all over again. We’d fall back into our old rhythms: Bram sheltering me from the world while I came to view his protection as a safety net instead of a prison.
It would mean going backwards, and even though I was still numb, still wrapped in the strange swaths of cotton that separated me from the rest of the world, I didn’t want to go backwards.
And it wouldn’t be good for Bram either. He needed to move past being my babysitter, needed to live his own life while I lived mine, lives where we could be equals.
Plus, there was a part of me — a distant part shouting at me from underneath all that cotton — that didn’t want to say goodbye to the Hawks. That worried if I left now, whatever had been happening between us would be aborted, gone forever.
I wasn’t ready for that.
“I’m going home with the Hawks.”
Bram cursed. “You can’t?— ”
“She told you what she wants,” Maeve said. It felt like she was twisting the hair tie on the end of my braid, and a moment later she tugged gently on the rope that hung down my back. “You’re all set, Cass.”
“Thanks.”
“What do you know about taking care of someone who can’t see?” Bram demanded.
“Probably about as much as you,” Hawk said.
“We’ll figure it out,” Jagger said.
“Yeah, we know how to take care of our mouse,” Vigo added. “Unrelated, these hospital gowns are pretty comfortable. It’s like wearing a dress.”
“I’m sure Hawk, Jagger, and Vigo will manage,” Maeve said.
“I can’t believe you’re defending them.” Bram sounded wounded.
Maeve rose from the bed and I heard her boots on the floor as she crossed the room toward him. “I’m not defending anyone but Cassie. It’s her decision. She can change her mind at any time and come stay with us.”
“It’s settled then.” I would have known Hawk’s voice anywhere, but I knew he was close because he took my hand. Knew it was him because I recognized the familiar security of it. “Cassie comes with us.”
12
CASSIE
I heldon to Jagger’s arm on the way into the house. It made me slightly motion sick, moving through the dark, trusting Jagger’s guidance, like I was floating on a piece of driftwood in a dark and endless sea.
“You’re okay,” he said. “I’ve got you.”
“I’ll order food,” Vigo said. “Our mouse needs lots of good food after all that hospital crap.”
“Maybe we should move you downstairs,” Hawk said, somewhere in front of us with the bag they‘d brought to the hospital with a few of my things.
He’d been mostly silent on the way home from the hospital, and I couldn’t help wondering if he was having second thoughts about bringing me back to the house. The Hunt — and what came after — was supposed to be nothing but fun for the Hawks. Now they were stuck taking care of someone who needed help climbing the stairs.
It wasn’t fair to do this to them.
It wasn’t the first time I’d second-guessed my decision to come home with the Hawks, but I’d made the decision and I needed to see it through, at least for a while.
“I want to be back in my old room.”
If someone had told me a month ago that I’d pine for my early days in the Hawks’ house — the days when I’d been scared and unsure about what the next three months held — I wouldn’t have believed them.
Now I looked back on them with a kind of longing. I’d been scared and disoriented, but I’d been whole. I felt like a fraction of myself now, like the cliff over which I’d flown had shaved off pieces of who I’d been.
