No one knew if Sage realized the anchor was disconnected when she threw it in. Either she did, and didn’t care, or she was too drunk to notice to begin with.
In the end, it didn’t matter because it amounted to the same thing.
When I heard the news, when I realized what I had done, I turned off Sage’s phone so it couldn’t be tracked, buried it in my closet, and left the truth there with it.
I erased it from my mind. I erased it from my body. But the soul remembers.
I hadn’t meant it. And Sage played a role in her death too—she wasn’t wearing a life jacket; she might have shrugged off the missing anchor. But it didn’t matter.
Because it was my fault. I killed her.
Chapter 35
“How dare you?” Viv’s voice is hard and bitter, an unripe lemon. “How dare you judge me for what happened with Elena after you killed that girl?”
“It was anaccident. I never thought it would result in Sage’s death,” I defend myself. “And maybe…and maybe it wasn’t my fault—” But even as I say it, I know it’s an excuse. One I’ve hidden behind for months. A tidy loophole I could use to escape the reality of what I’d done.
I was furious with Sage. We’d been so close to a resolution, but she yanked it away again. I wanted to inconvenience her, maybe even hurt her. But I didn’t mean to kill her.
A voice speaks up, finally freed from the depths of my mind:Are you sure?
“That’swhy you got so pissed when I posted that video!” Viv accuses.
I bite my lip. “No one knows what I did. But after her death, I didn’t want to fight for the book anymore. I didn’t want to risk the attention or have people connect me to Sage. I don’t think she told anyone we were meeting that day, and I burned her letter. But I decided to let go of the book anyway, try to move on. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was involved.”
“But youwere!”
“I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t,” I say, fighting back tears.
“You act like you’re above us. You have since you got on board,” Viv hisses. “But the truth is that you’re as bad as everyone else.”
My bones ice over at her words. I hid Sage’s phone; I didn’t come forward and tell the authorities what I had done. I erased it from my mind like a trauma victim blocking out an assault.
Viv’s right—there’s a part of me, a dark, deep-down part, that fears the person I really am. A person who reacts with vengeance after being wronged. I can’t bear to admit the sliver of vindication that lives at the bottom of my soul; the tiny bit of self preservation that whispered,Don’t let Sage’s death ruin your life again. Not after what she did.
I face Viv, a sheet of rain whipped at us by the wind, icy drops pelting my cheeks. “I would take it all back if I could. I would have never touched the anchor. If I could do anything to change what happened, I would do it without a second thought.”
It’s all true, but I don’t say the rest of what I’m thinking. That the worst part, the hardest part, the part that I will always have to live with, is knowing that I hid my involvement because I wasn’t sad that Sage died. I was upset, I was guilty, but I wasn’t sad.
“You killed someone,” Viv says. “You’re not better than me. You’re…you’re justlike me.”
And the way she says it, like it’s the worst insult she can possibly think of, breaks my heart. It’s so clear now: Viv hates herself.
Something rams against the underside of our boat, sending us flying.
Viv screams as the mouse gun sails out of her hand and clatters across the bottom of the boat, spinning on its side toward the stern.
I’m thrown against the control panel, the wind knocked out of me with a sharp thrust. Slumping to my knees, I tilt as the boat shudders again, lurching to the left now.
“What’s going on?” A rogue wave sloshes into the boat and my mouth; I spit out salt water, coughing.
“We must have hit a rock,” Viv says, craning her neck, eyes huge and terrified. “There are big ones near Ligia that are impossible to see in weather like this.”
“Oh, perfect; have I mentioned what agreatidea this was?” I yell.
“Shut up.” Viv stabs her hand out at me as she pulls herself from the floor, but in that split second, we both realize the gun is no longer in her possession.
We stare at each other for the longest instant. Then we both throw ourselves to the back of the boat. The tender slides and rolls beneath us; the world slants, but I somehow keep myself right side up and hurtle toward the tiny gun. If I can get it before her, if I can throw it overboard…
