A knock came on her door, but Gwen could no more form the words ‘go away’ than she could stop crying.
The door opened, and Orson poked his head in. ‘Gwen, I was wondering if … oh.’ He stared at her, aghast.
Gwen could only look up at him from the rug, hiccupping slightly, body still shaking with the force of feeling sweeping through her.
Orson hesitated, looking as though he might simply back up, close the door and pretend nothing was happening. But then he slipped inside, closing the door gently and moving towards Gwen. ‘What’s happened?’
Gwen waved a hand at him – Orson was thelastperson she wanted to see, and the last person she wanted to see her like this.
He stopped, but didn’t retreat. Instead, he dropped into a crouch, fingers splayed on the edge of the rug. His eyes were intent, concerned, alarmed – abruptly, Gwen remembered how quickly he’d stepped up to keep her secret in the Darkhaven tournament, how good it hadfelt to be accepted by another knight. In that moment it didn’t matter that he’d turned around and betrayed her later. She just needed someone, anyone, to accept her that way again.
‘Isobelle,’ she managed, her voice thin and high through the lump in her throat. ‘She’s been keeping things from me because she thinks I can’t … and she knows, Orson. She knows.’
He blinked at her. ‘Knows what?’
Gwen thought she wouldn’t be able to get the words out. She thumped her fist against the floor and managed to blurt, ‘That I’m a goddamned coward!’
For a moment, only the crackle of the fire broke the silence.
Then Orson did the absolute last thing Gwen would have expected.
Helaughed.
It was a quick, shocked bark of laughter, and he sat down suddenly and stared at her. Then he started laughing in earnest.
Sheer surprise stopped Gwen’s sobs, and she felt a surge of anger pulling her up out of utter despair. ‘What the hell?’ she blurted, dashing her tears away.
‘You?’ managed Orson, his own eyes wet, but with mirth. ‘You, a coward?’ He started laughing again, burying his face in his hands.
‘Get out, if you’re going to laugh at me.’
Orson shook his head, wiping his eyes and getting himself marginally under control. ‘Gwen, I’ve spent the entire time since the tournament drowning myself in sorrow about my own cowardice. And now I’m sitting here with someone who is, arguably, the bravest person in the entire freaking world, listening to her cry because she thinksshe’sa coward?’ He rubbed his hand over his face, shaking his head again.
Gwen exhaled sharply – not quite a laugh, but the breath eased the constriction of her ribs. ‘You don’t know the truth,’ she mumbled. ‘The dragon … I can’t get over it. It’s inside me, somehow. And since we got here, it’s become worse. Like this place … brings it out of me, makes it stronger. I was trying to hide it from Isobelle, and it turns out, I should’ve tried harder.’
Orson gazed at her thoughtfully. ‘So what happened tonight?’
Gwen gave him a halting account of everything – the nightmares, the hot springs, coming home to find Isobelle’s rooms tossed, and the letter that led to everything coming out.
‘And she kept it all hidden because she thought I couldn’t handle it,’ she finished abruptly, before she could start crying again.
‘Well, you proved her wrong,’ said Orson wryly, eyeing Gwen’s tear-streaked face and crumpled posture.
Gwen shot him a sharp look. ‘Sheliedto me.’
‘Weren’t you trying to lie to her? About your nightmares?’ Orson retorted.
Gwen stared at him.
Orson flashed her a wan smile. ‘All this time, she was trying to protect you while you were trying to protect her. I don’t know, that sounds a bit like two people who love each other and just haven’t figured out yet how that actually works.’
Gwen’s thoughts were still racing, and her body felt as if someone had picked her up and wrung her out like a wet rag, but she could breathe.
‘I wonder,’ murmured Orson, as if speaking to himself.
‘What?’
‘How many of the mistakes we make boil down, in their simplest form, to just that. Fear.’ He hummed a soft breath into the ensuing silence, and then shook himself and looked back at Gwen. ‘So what’s the plan?’
