“I called the housing office to try to see if we could get on the same floor,” he says, his voice lower. “I thought I was doing something nice. Something that would make you happy. But when I gave them your name, they said they didn’t have a record of Lucy Gold in their database.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. It’s a gesture that in another life I would have thought of as sweet but now feels like one that comes with a collar and a leash.
“Then what?” I ask. “Did you go through my email or something?”
“It took me two minutes to find your acceptance letter,” he says.
“What’s wrong with you?” I’m yelling now, but I don’t care whohears, who knows what Ethan did. “Ever since we got together, you’ve done everything to keep meyours. God, you couldn’t even let me live in another dorm.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway because you won’t be there.”
“Ethan, you lied to me.”
“Andyoulied to me. For weeks. Every single day. I gave you so many opportunities to tell me the truth.”
“So many opportunities?” I ask. “When did you do all this sleuthing?” He shakes his head once and I say it again. “How long have you known?”
“Right before Billy died.”
More than two weeks.
I should be sorry. But the only emotion bubbling up is disgust—disgust that he lied for so long, and disgust that he didn’t have the courage to confront me about college. Yes, I should have told him. We are both in the wrong. We both messed up.
But Ethan’s a coward, and I’m the one who doesn’t want to move forward, so I’m going to have to be the one to break us. I drop my shoulders and steady my breathing as the words crystallize in my mind.
“Ethan.” He looks up at me expectantly, like he’s waiting for a reason, an answer, an apology. But I have none of those things. I wait for the rage and fear to hit me, for all of those base and raw emotions to take over. But the only thing coursing through my veins is relief. “I should have told you earlier,” I say.
“So you’re going.”
“Of course I’m going.”
“But we planned this out. We planned our lives out. Our futures.”
“Youdid, Ethan,” I say. “You had it all set in stone even while I was still with Olivia. You manipulated everything. I’m not going to forgive that.”
“But it was worth it, right? We got together.”
“Youhurtme, Ethan.” My mouth twitches, and a look of recognition comes over Ethan’s face.
“You hurt me, too,” he says, throwing up his hands. “You know what? This is fine. I can get over this. I can move past it. It’s only a four-hour drive. Besides, we’ll both be here for breaks. It’s doesn’t matter. Like when we’re married with a million kids, we’ll be like,That was so hard, but who will care by then?”
“Ethan…”
“I’m serious. I’vebeenserious about you since the day we got together.”
“The day youliedto get us together.”
Ethan shakes his head. “All I’ve ever wanted was you.”
“Yeah, and you’d do anything to keep me just as I am in your mind—like a doll in a box.”
“I’ve supported you througheverything. What made you think that I wouldn’t support you going to Penn? Iwould. I want to be together while you do it.”
A jolt of heat spreads through my body, and everything in me recoils like I’m rejecting his words, the very concepts they suggest. Even though I could picture my future so clearly at Penn, and even though it didn’t feature Ethan, I never imagined having this conversation. Never once, and all of a sudden, it feels like the ground has shifted beneath me.
“What do you want, Lucy?” His words are like little pins pricking my skin, hitting every tiny nerve. “Say it, Lucy.” His voicewavers, and I know that if I look at him, I’ll see the boy with the bright eyes and the dark hair and the smile that’s always been comforting and constant, signaling bliss as soon as he sees me. With only a few words, I’ll change all that. He’ll no longer be the first person I search for across a room. He won’t place his hand on my waist to steady me when I’m wobbly on my bike, won’t high-five me after an excellent serve on the tennis court. With only one sentence—one declaration—I’ll sever the cord that connects us, has held us together our entire lives.
But on the other side of this moment, there is something else. Something new. A fresh start with new possibilities and new people, new adventures. If I’m lucky, that world will include some form of Ethan—maybe not now, maybe not in ten years, but maybe at some point. And I’d hate myself if I didn’t at least venture to see what existed in a world where I’m not defined by Ethan Silver, the boy next door, myboyfriend, my mixed-doubles partner, my intended future.
