“That was awful,” I say. “I wish we could just get out of here.”
Trevor turns to me and wiggles his eyebrows. “Book Bonanza?”
My shoulders relax, and I place a hand over my heart, a lightness filling my chest. “You think we can get away?”
Trevor’s mouth splits into a smile, but then his phone buzzes inhis pocket. He looks down and shields the screen from me while he checks his texts. “Let’s meet out front in fifteen? That’ll be enough time. We can bike over.”
“Perfect.”
Trevor slips through the crowd, heading toward the beach. When he hits the sand, I watch as he walks over to Erica, Lucy’s best friend. She’s standing by herself, looking out at the water, and when Trevor stops next to her, she turns to face him and nods in his direction.
I fold my arms over my stomach and realize I’m standing all alone while everyone else seems to be deep in conversation or concentrating on their food or offering the Godwins their condolences. Without Trevor as my anchor, I’m unmoored, and I don’t dare look around for fear of making eye contact with someone who’s trying to sneak a peek at the girl who let Billy drown. Even though I know it’s not my fault. Even though Mrs.Godwin just offered me absolution. IknowI couldn’t have helped him. I try to stay calm by breathing in and out, focusing on how nice the warmth of the sun feels on my cheeks.
But my try-to-Zen-out moment is interrupted by the crashing of metal pizza trays to my left, and I glance up to see Frankie leaning forward, helping a caterer pick up the mess. I push my way through the crowd toward her.
“Sorry!” Frankie says, grabbing a few of the trays. “I’m clumsy as hell these days.” She stretches out her arms and shakes her hands. “My mom says it’s because I’m so gangly that I don’t know what to do with my limbs.”
The caterer glares and gathers the rest of the trays. “Don’t worry about it.” But their tone suggests otherwise.
“Whoops,” Frankie mutters.
“You good?” I ask. Frankie smooths her black skirt down over her thighs and stands up straight. But as she does, she slips something behind her back.
“Totally fine,” she says. “Like I said, just making a mess wherever I go.”
“What are you holding?” I ask, motioning to her arm, just out of view.
“What are you talking about?”
“Why are you being so weird?”
Frankie pushes her hair back from her forehead. “Enough with the questions! I’m going to get a seltzer.”
“Whatever you’re doing, don’t let Mom see you!” I call, but Frankie’s already waving me off, heading inside the house. For the best. Whatever she’s up to, I’m not interested in getting involved.
My phone buzzes with a text from Trevor.I’ll be out front in five.I reply with a thumbs-up and make my way inside to use the bathroom before we go.
The crowd is still packed inside the house, and when I reach the powder room, I find a line snaking all the way around the hallway into the foyer.
“There’s an en suite off the maid’s room over on the far side of the house.” A waiter smiles at me, holding out a tray full of pigs in blankets. “That’s where we’re all going.” She winks at me and keeps moving through the crowd.
I follow her advice. There are fewer people on this side of the house, and I poke my head into an open doorway, which must be the maid’s room. It’s sparsely decorated compared to the rest of the home, which is covered in wool wall coverings, modern art, andsleek light fixtures. This room is plain, painted a pale baby blue, and has nothing on the walls. No art, no photographs, not even a mirror.
I step inside and close the door behind me, already feeling calmer now that I’m away from everyone else, now that I can hear myself think, the thumping of my own heart, the reminder that I am here. I am still alive.
I head for the door on the opposite side of the room, which must be the bathroom, and press my hand to the doorknob, but as I start to turn it, I hear a noise from the other side.
“Hello?” I ask, leaning forward to press my ear on the door. “Is someone in there?”
No one answers, so I turn the knob and push the door open slowly, only to find Ethan sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up under his chin, rocking back and forth. His cheeks are red and puffy, and his dark suit is crumpled, his tie hanging sloppily around his neck. He looks up at me with a flash of recognition—relief—and I shut the door behind us.
“Ethan.” His name rushes from my lips.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it and drop down to the floor beside him.
“I had a panic attack,” he says, pressing the heel of his hand into his forehead. “I held it together for a while, but as soon as we got here, as soon as everyone kept coming up to me…talking to me…” He lets out awhooshof air. “I’ve been in here for basically the whole time.”
I rest my hand on top of his and hold his fingers in mine, warmth spreading through me. “Do you want me to get Lucy?”
