“There you are.” Mom comes up behind me. Her voice is low and sad, and she grabs for my hand, squeezing it in her warm one. “C’mere.”
She pulls me to stand and leads me to the screen door. When we step outside, I find my dad sitting on a picnic bench, his head in his hands. He looks up and the skin around his eyes is red. His bottom lip is trembling.
I’ve seen him cry so many times this year. When he came to get me at the police station. When Stu and Mellie made their offer. When the principal told him I wouldn’t graduate. When the letterfrom University of Vermont came saying they were rescinding my acceptance. But the frequency doesn’t make it easier.
“Oh, Goldie,” Dad says, his voice shaking.
I let myself be hugged, sandwiching my body in between him and Mom. I let them envelop me and rest their heads on my shoulders and whisper sweet sounds into my ears.
After a moment, Dad lifts his head and rubs his face with both hands.
“What happened?” My voice sounds small, almost like it’s not coming from me.
Mom holds me to her, her grip tight on my shoulders. “Levin found him in the lake at dawn.”
That must have been why our boss wasn’t at morning maintenance.
Dad shakes his head. “He drowned, Goldie.”
My head snaps up. “That’s not possible.” Heller was an excellent swimmer. He’d had that dinghy since he was ten. His house wasonthe lake. He won an underwater breath-holding competition when we were eleven.
Dad sighs. “It’s true. Spoke to some of the other nurses at the hospital a few hours ago.”
“Aren’t they going to investigate?” I ask. “To make sure?”
Dad shakes his head. “Stu and Mellie are dealing with the McConnells and the police. It was an accident.”
“There’s a vigil tonight. In town,” Mom says. “We were going to go pay our respects.”
“Can I come?” I don’t know why I ask. The last place I should be is at an event that honors Heller McConnell. I know that everyone will stare and sneer and wonder out loud why I wasn’t theone to die after all the pain I’ve caused. But I need to be there.
Mom and Dad exchange a look. “I don’t know,” Mom says. “Is that really the best idea? After everything that happened between you two...”
I hate that phrase.Everything that happened.As if she can’t say “after he let you take the fall for hitting Dylan Adler.” But I have to keep reminding myself that she doesn’t know Heller was driving. Only Heller, Cal, and I do. And one of us just died.
I grit my teeth. “I have to go, Mom.”
She snaps her mouth shut and tugs at her old concert T-shirt, worn and weathered, faded from years spent washing out sawdust from the woodworking shed.
“Fine,” she says, her mouth a thin line. “I’ll talk to Stu and Mellie.”
---
“Wait, I’m sorry, but you’re going to that douche’s memorial service?” Imogen asks. I’m standing in her cabin, since she’s the only person I know who would bring a black dress to camp in the middle of the summer. Even Ava says black is only for New York. Imo tosses me a simple sheath and I slip it over my head.
“I can’t explain it,” I say. “I... I need to be there.”
“Do you want moral support?” she asks. “We can go with you.”
I shake my head. For one, Mellie and Stu barely let me take the night off to go. There’s still so much to do for the campers’ arrival. Plus, they said, it wouldn’t be good for me to be around all those people mourning Heller. But Mom told them I insisted and finally they relented. And the idea of Imogen and Ava spending any moretime around Roxwood High people makes my skin crawl. I can’t risk it.
The front door of the cabin squeaks open and Ava pops her head in. She’s wearing a tie-dyed sweatsuit and a matching scrunchie, and looks totally unbothered by the weirdness between us at the waterfront earlier today.
“Wanna get seats for outdoor movie night?” she asks. But when she sees what I’m wearing, her face falls.
“Vigil,” I say. “For Heller.”
Ava steps inside the cabin and slumps down on one of the naked twin mattresses. “Thought you said he was a grade-A asshole.”
