Nope.
NINETEEN
THE SUN SLOWLYcreeps into view through my window, but I’ve already been up for an hour trying to memorize equations from my Brown scholarship exam study guide, the one I actually made myself. Numbers and facts swim on the page, but I can’t concentrate. Not today.
I set down my folder and flashcards and close my laptop for the morning. There’s no use in pretending to study. Not when something is nagging me about this Beaumont thing. How was I so oblivious back then? There must have been clues—some sort of sign that Shaila left behind.
I tap over to the photos on my phone and scroll frantically, looking for Shaila’s face.Tell me, Shay. Tell me what I missed.When I hit my most recent pictures, there we are. Me, Marla, Nikki, and Shaila getting ready for Spring Fling. The photo I saw in her room. The formal was notorious at Gold Coast Prep. We had been looking forward to it since middle school. Adam had told me that the school spirit council would go all out, renting a fog machine and a fancy DJ. That year’s theme was masquerade.
Shaila and I spent the entire week talking about what wewould wear, what kind of music would be played, and who would hook up behind the risers. She and Graham were still in such a good place at that time. At least I thought they were. The whole night would live up to the hype, we were sure of it.
Shaila dismissed Graham’s suggestion for us all to pregame together, and instead invited Nikki, Marla, and me over to her house to get ready.
“Don’t you want to show up with your boyfriend?” Marla asked.
“I’ve got plenty of time to hang out with him,” Shaila said. “We only get one Spring Fling as freshmen and I want us to enjoy it together.”
My face flushed from excitement and the four of us sat in a little circle on Shaila’s carpeted floor, rubbing gold glitter onto our cheeks. Shaila gave us all matching cherry pouts with a Chanel lip gloss she swiped from her mom.
When I asked for an updo, she piled my hair high on my head in an elaborate curly mess. “Audrey Hepburn with some edge,” she said wickedly. “So you.”
“Do me!” Nikki squealed.
Shaila twisted Nikki’s long mane into a low bun and pulled out some tendrils in the front. “Very nineties-chic.” Then she coiled Marla’s white-blonde hair into a braid crown, making it look like a halo.
When we arrived, Nikki and Marla sprinted into the hazy gym ahead of us, but Shaila looped her arm in mine so we could strut in side by side. When we passed by the trophy case and saw our reflection, she held my gaze in the glass. “Confirmed,” she said. “We’re fabulous.” The gym was dark, and covered in neon balloons so the wooden rafters were just barely visible.Every so often, confetti floated to the floor, making the shiny basketball courts slick. Everyone tied lace masks around their faces, shielding themselves from reality. Shaila marched us to the corner where the rest of the Players gathered in a small section of the bleachers. “Wow,” Henry said when we arrived. He had on a charcoal gray suit, his shirttails hanging over the front. He looked adorable.
“Where’s Graham?” Shaila asked.
“Over there.” Henry pointed to a buffet of punch bowls and cups. “But I’d let him breathe for a bit.”
Shaila’s pink lips turned to a frown. “Why?”
“Well, for one, he’s kind of pissed that you guys didn’t come over before this.”
Shaila rolled her eyes. “He’ll get over it.”
“But, two, Jake just gave him a brutal pop.” Graham was huddled close to Jake, who seemed to be handing over an oversized unmarked water bottle full of clear liquid.
“What’s he doing?” I asked Henry.
“Jake tasked him with spiking the iced tea.”
My gaze shifted to the snacks table. The physics teacher, Dr. Jarvis; the librarian, Mrs. Deckler; and a handful of other faculty crowded around it like bodyguards.
“Isn’t that kind of risky?” Nikki said softly in my ear.
I swallowed hard and nodded. But everything was risky at that point. A ball of terror had developed in my stomach after the sauna incident and it never really went away. There was always something else coming.
Shaila tilted her head toward the rafters. “His funeral,” she said. I assumed she was pissed at him for being pissed ather.Shaila then called out to Marla.
“Come on. Let’s have some fun.” Shaila tossed her hairbehind her shoulder and walked ahead to the dance floor. None of us protested.
Shaila extended her hands and we all joined together, forming a circle in the middle of the gym. Her brow softened and she threw back her head, shaking her honey waves down her back. As the song peaked, she pulled us to her and hugged us hard.
“Look around. Look at everyone else,” Shaila whispered into the huddle. “They wish they were us.”
Marla giggled and Nikki beamed. I loved them all in that moment. I loved that Marla didn’tneedso much. I loved that Nikki just wanted to have as much fun as humanly possible. I loved that Shaila was quick to forgive, and that she did so with her whole heart. I loved that she kept things so wildly interesting, that she kept us entertained, on guard. I loved that there were eyes burning holes into our backs. I loved that we were special. We were watched. We shouted out the chorus and Shaila twirled us around and around, one by one, like we were little ballerinas in a music box. And when I faced outward, toward the rest of our peers, I repeated Shaila’s words in my head.They wish they were us.
