He lets out a half laugh and rubs his chin. “Do you think it’s possible to make huge decisions when we’re this young?”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
He crosses his legs. “We’re seventeen, still in school. We basically spent the first ten years of our lives just learning to walk and talk. We don’t know as much as we think we do. But then you come across something and it resonates so deeply, you feel it in your bones. But you wonder how this will affect the rest of your life. How the people around you will react.”
I ponder this. “We’re expected to know what we’ll study in college at seventeen. That’ll shape a big part of who we are. A lot of us have heavy responsibilities before we reach twenty. I think in the end, if it makes sense to you, if you feel this huge decision is right for you, then the world will understand it. It might take time, though.”
Jamie’s eyes are full of something I can’t decipher with him sitting so far away from me. There’s no humor but a seriousness in the air.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I think so too.”
I clear my throat. “How… how did you know all that stuff about Islam yesterday?”
He blinks, takes a second to reply. “I like to research.”
I hum. “Good research”
He bites his lower lip, then says, “Did I speak over you yesterday? I didn’t think of it until later.”
I shake my head. “I was frozen. Everyone’s eyes on me; it was heavy. Besides, I think it’s better you’re the one who said something.”
His brows knit. “What do you mean?”
I shrug a shoulder. “It’s less convincing when it comes from me. They all think I’m brainwashed and defending a cult or something. But you don’t look Arab or like what a stereotypical Muslim looks like, so your words hold more weight than mine do.”
He shakes his head. “That’s messed up.”
“I agree. But this is the world we live in. White-passing Arabs have the same privilege.” I stare at my hands, wishing I could see the beautiful brown shade. My skin had a dash of amber and honey, and it wasalive, warm like the sun. I wonder what it looks like now. A husk of a color. “I was tongue-tied back in class. I hate when that happens. Like someone says something horribly racist, and you’re caught in the moment, trying to make sense of it. I only think of a comeback much later.”
“You never have to be hard on yourself for that,” Jamie says.
We smile at each other, and then he says, “On a more fun note, did you do the chemistry homework?”
I stare at him.
A grin tickles his lips. “You didn’t?”
Sweat breaks out on my forehead, and my stomach feels queasy. I haven’t been pulling my weight in this partnership.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, gripping the hem of my shirt. “Iama bother. I know this is a partnership, and I promise I’m not taking advantage of you and the notes you send me every day. I won’t forget next time. I’m really sorry. But I get it if you want to change partners.”
“Jihad, stop.” He shakes his head. “It’s okay. It happens.”
I look away, ashamed.
He gives me a once-over, and I feel like I’m being x-rayed. But it’snot unpleasant. “All right. How about we meet up after school? Go through the notes. I know it’s Friday, so if you have any plans, we can do it some other time.”
My stomach goes back to clenching. Where would he want to go on the Upper East Side? My pocket money is strictly for emergencies, like being stranded in the middle of the night.
“No plans for me. Would the library work for you?” If I suggest a place first, then I have more control.
He nods. “Sounds good. I think it’s about time you had more quality time with your buddy. Look at all the deep, strange conversations we have.”
I roll my eyes but smile nevertheless and stand. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.”
“Oh, I very much am,” he says cheerfully as we move toward the door.
There is genuine kindness here I’ve been looking for all my life. The kindness Alexis would show me when I saw her every now and then. But I want this every day.
