But I don’t say any of that.
My cheeks are hot, and there’s a hollowness in my stomach. I feel like an ant under a microscope, the sun’s rays shining through the lens until I burn.
They’re all staring at me, waiting for an explanation.
“I’m…” I croak out, my throat dry. “I’m sorry.”
It’s all I can say. I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. I haven’t done anything wrong. But I think it’s what they want to hear. My thoughts spread like a jellyfish’s tentacles further to the place I keep hidden in the dark. Pressing my fingers to the edge my chair, I will the thoughts to calm down.
Jamie frowns, his jaw working before he gets up, grabbing his lunch, and walks away.
“Great, now you made Jamie leave,” Hayley says, disgruntled, and it snaps something in me.
“I didn’t make him do anything,” I say, voice hard.
“Okay, lay off, you guys,” Alexis says, her voice trembling a bit.
I look up at her, grateful, and she gives me a small nod.
“Jihad had nothing to do with your uncle, Nicole; you knowthat,” she continues. “She’s my childhood friend, and she’s been through enough.”
Hayley’s expression turns from stony to confused before it clears up a fraction.
“Wait.” Nicole blinks at me. “You lost your mom, right?”
I nearly break my fingers from how hard I’m holding on to the chair.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” My voice comes out cold.
Jenny flinches at my tone, and they all stare at me again.
But I don’t say anything else. I pick up my spoon and shove my food around in the Tupperware.
After a beat of silence, Alexis brings up the new Chanel store that recently got remodeled in SoHo. This sparks a new conversation, and I feel as if I’m studying a language everyone knows but me.
Alexis had told me a bit about her friends, but my memory betrays me sometimes. Especially after Mama’s death. Besides, I’m more of a visual learner. Learning through splatters of paint and charcoal drawings. I draw and paint to remember.
The colors paint a story of who a person is. I can imagine Nicole’s colors as raven black contrasted against a stark white. Rigid colors, standing in a perfect line. Hayley’s feel like ash brown and porpoise purple, swishing together to create a muted shade, but there’s nothing warm about it. Jenny’s colors would be a splash of tie-dye—loud pinks and yellows and greens swirling together.
I’m the odd one out. My colors are bleached. They’re a whirlwind of gray when once they were the deepest blue.
They discuss a summer solstice party they attended that, according to Jenny, was at Eric Cabot’s home upstate. Everyone came dressed as Greek gods and goddesses.
“That was a wild night.” Jenny giggles. “We got lost in the woods for hours.”
“And it was so peaceful. Walking under a full moon in that dress.” Alexis sighs. “I channeled my inner Aphrodite.”
“Oh, you channeled her all right.” Nicole winks, all traces of her earlier grievance vanished. I wonder if that will ever be me. A future where the pain glides off my skin like water. “I’m sure Homer wrote a poem about Aphrodite going to town with a guy in Eric Cabot’s parents’ bedroom.”
“Stop!” Alexis shrieks, covering her face with her hands and sliding down her chair.
Jenny laughs.
“It was just that one time.” Alexis peeks through her fingers.
“And the time after that in his car and the time after on your dad’s birthday,” Hayley says. “Look, he’s even staring at you right now.”
All of them turn around in their seats, and I peek at whom they’re looking at. A tall boy with floppy hair is grinning at Alexis. He sits between his friends, who shove his shoulder jokingly. He looks exactly like the kind of person I imagined Alexis would like.
